Conversation is the best foreplay. But to have a deeper, more satisfying relationship you must ask deeper, specific questions. Have you ever wanted to talk to your husband or boyfriend about what he really thinks about what is going on in his bedroom? How to Talk to a Man About His Sex Life (Assessment – Part 3) will give you so good questions to ask and ways to make sense of his answers. In this third episode on assessing your sexual relationship, join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist George Faller as they talk about the kinds of questions they use to understand and assess the depth of a couple’s connection.
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TRANSCRIPT:
Announcer 00:00
The following content is not suitable for children
Laurie Watson 00:02
George So we’re going to talk about more sexual assessment and how to deal with people’s present sexual life with more questions. Part Three.
George Faller 00:11
sounds fine. Let’s get it going.
Laurie Watson 00:15
Welcome to foreplay radio couples in sex therapy. I’m Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.
George Faller 00:21
I’m George Fallon, your couples therapist,
Laurie Watson 00:23
and we are passionate about talking about sex and helping you develop a way to talk to each other.
George Faller 00:29
Our mission is to help our audience develop a healthier relationship to sex that integrates the mind, the heart and the body.
Laurie Watson 00:38
Just as we began, please remember to check out Uber lube it really calm is where you can get this great lubricant and help support for play radio. You know, we get so many cool comments on everywhere. I mean, on our website, we get them on iTunes and a friend of mine said that we really need to read some of them and help people understand what we’re all about what our mission is. So I wanted to read a couple to you, George.
George Faller 01:05
Sounds good.
Laurie Watson 01:07
This first one is titled phenomenal and it’s by Anthony and Daria, thank you so much. This is an April and he says these two are wonderful clinicians and they know their stuff. empathic, kind and gentle. I’ve listened to a lot of folks on the subject and keep coming back to this one. aces truly thank you for your work. Thank you guys so much for your review. And then I want to read one more and then talk about why I think this is important for so this man says incredibly helpful with a real guy male perspective. My fiance and I love this podcast is changed our lives and that’s not an understatement. I’m so grateful. Thank you. I can say so much. But if you want change in perspective, listen to this immediately. It handles tricky topics with grace makes it comfortable and help so much, which Oh, that is so nice. And this is from beta Goldstein. Thank you so much. I think what is important is, you know, we talk a lot about keeping it hot and helping people sexually. But really, when we are talking about what our mission is, I think it’s about stabilizing couple ships, right marriages. And for me, I think, you know, if marriages are stabilized, the community stabilizes, children are stabilized, and they need to be stabilized in two ways, emotionally and sexually, which is, of course what we’re doing.
George Faller 02:31
I mean, this is about not just averages. This is just about engagement in life. So for me, it’s about vitality. I like the word grace in that comment I do to its and I think that our mission is talking is for play, right? That’s a way towards connection. Sex is a great way towards connection. There are lots of different ways of connection, but we’re really trying to help people just have more success in the different ways that we can connect
Laurie Watson 03:01
And I think that what is great about this is it’s a male female perspective, certainly, it’s clinical, but it’s also just our person bringing our, you know, our own experience to talking about it. And so many people write in and say, they’ve never had anybody never heard anybody talk about sex. So it’s like we we get to model it right now. And, and I would just like to invite our listeners to join us if this is your heart, and this is your mission, we do have the ability for you to sponsor us on Patreon. And we have several different levels, just the newsletter, and then we give exclusive content. And we also are doing a Facebook Live, which we’re going to announce probably next week in terms of our first date for that, but if this is what you’re about as well, and you want to help us that would be great.
George Faller 03:52
Right? And that would be a bottom up process to really help people become part of this team. You know, they does take money to produce and then to make it happen. So when we have people join us as patrons and really support our advertisers, you know, Uber lube is doing a great job, really trying to make this message, spread it. And then we really need everyone’s help to do that. And doing reviews is another simple way. If you don’t have money, is there a way you can just do a review or encourage people if you believe in this process, and we’re, we’re all part of something bigger than ourselves when we start to, you know, think that way. And I think these times around COVID-19, and so many of us are looking for, for ways of stay connected of being part of something bigger than ourselves to kind of find a way of changing for the better.
Laurie Watson 04:40
Mm hmm. Absolutely. And I do appreciate the many emails that come in. I try to get back to almost everybody, even if it’s just thank you, but sometimes I’m swamped, but overall, I try to say something to you. Many of you write in with questions and concerns and your life’s problems and We try to help direct you to local therapists and things like that. And then I think support from patrons will allow George and I to develop more content, keep this content free. I know that we’ve talked about writing George and about maybe developing who knows, weekends and things like that, we’d like to do that. So thank you.
George Faller 05:19
Thank you, everyone. It is so meaningful when we do get that feedback. I know when I teach all over the world and like, I have an audience, it’s a lot easier, they get that feedback. So a lot of times with a podcast, it feels like you’re speaking into space where we get those human stories back and it really makes this whole thing worthwhile.
Laurie Watson 05:37
Okay, let’s move into our content. George about developing this idea of sexual assessment further, I’m hoping to model for you what we as therapists would be asking people again, we would like to thank three people in this development Dr. Sue Johnson, Mike Moran. He’s an EFT super advisor Sue Johnson is the founder of EFT. And thank you so as Mr. Hot skya, who really is a pioneer in the EFT community about integrating EFT and sexuality.
George Faller 06:11
Yeah. What we’re hoping in these questions is that you’re not so specifically focused on the answer. But it’s an invitation that just kind of explore and, and go places in yourself that most of us never hear these questions, right? So it’s where I’m just going to immerse myself in the different clients that I have and just try to kind of have fun exploring some of these things that we never even think about. There’s no right or wrong answer to these questions. Some of you some of these questions might not be as relevant others are going to hit strike right in the middle of your hearts. Right. And just to give it the space to listen,
Laurie Watson 06:46
and we’re going to just roleplay Yes. Okay. George, I think you need a different name. What name Are you going to be? Jorge? Jorge, Jorge. Okay, so Jorge, how important is sex to you? And your present life. And has this changed all over your adulthood?
George Faller 07:04
I yes, it has. I think it’s pretty important right now. I think when I was young, it was pretty important. And then I got really focused on the kids and work and you know, it’s always been important, but I think now, it just turned 40 it is. It’s becoming more important again, because it’s the one way I feel like I can really connect with my partner.
Laurie Watson 07:28
So you got married, Are you married? Yes. Okay, so you got married, and it was really important and then you kind of got busy with life with raising a family. And now you’re you’re back to thinking about it is very important because it’s, it’s the way you feel so connected to your partner. Right? Okay. So, okay, this is a really personal question, but do you allow yourself to think about and fantasize about sex?
George Faller 07:53
Yes.
Laurie Watson 07:54
Okay. Can you would you feel comfortable telling me like what fantasies are exciting for you?
George Faller 08:00
Yeah, I mean, I like just let my being a very loyal, committed person, and then I wouldn’t destroy my family and have an affair, I think but you know, but I will allow my brain to wander if I see somebody walking down the street that just think what it’d be like to have a conversation or you know, things got a little crazy and spontaneous. And then also, I think those would be my most common fantasies.
Laurie Watson 08:28
So it’s certainly you’re aware of a tract of others. That’s not your intent, but that does kind of excite you and bring sexual feelings out in you. Is that right? Yes. Yeah. And do you share your sexual ideas or your fantasies with your partner?
George Faller 08:47
Not really, I mean, I don’t, I don’t want to hurt her feelings or kind of cause drama and make her feel insecure or there’s something I’m attracted to someone else. It’s just, you know, it’s just that idea. It’s just something fun. It’s not I take too serious, I kind of keep it to myself.
Laurie Watson 09:03
Okay, I’d love to say something here as a sex therapist. I think what Jorge has said is so common is that if we’re going to be alive sexually to our partner, we’re going to be alive sexually to the world. I mean, we are going to see attractive others. And I think that in some ways, flashes through your mind about sexual encounters is, is pretty normal. And when I ask people this, like, do you share your sexual fantasies? I’m not asking him are you sharing about having been attracted to other women? Because that can be hurtful, but taking capturing the excitement about it, and what he imagines about that and sharing with his wife, so Jorge, I guess what I’d say
George Faller 09:46
just a comment to that on top of that is I totally agree with that the spirit of how do you bring that vitality that playfulness, that fun? And that’s what fantasies are. Right? It’s that’s a beautiful thing. formula is this attraction plus some difficulties, right? some obstacles, right, that creates this excitement. So you can capture that without the vivid details of a fantasy. And it’s also okay, if you don’t want to share your fantasies. You know, there are a lot of people in relationships that, you know, it’s a loving thing they want to keep, they want to protect, they’re there. But that’s the bind. If you hide yourself, then there’s less of you to engage. So how do you how do you hold both of those?
Laurie Watson 10:27
I think certainly everything in our mind doesn’t need to be shared with our partner because some of it can be hurtful. But I think that overall, if we’re committed for a lifetime, we have to find a way to share our erotic mind, the flavors, the things that we think about the ideas that excite us, what turns us on, I mean, that that is so exciting, you know, because over time, probably the body is not as exciting everyone we’re at, it’s not as exciting, but I think the mind can be as exciting. So learning about that. How to do That tactfully with your partner takes a lot of vulnerability and that vulnerability is the risk in long term relationship.
George Faller 11:08
Exactly. And I love the lines from Peggy kleinplatz, his new book, magnificent sex, where she says, low desire may be evidence of good judgment. Right? If the costs of constantly protecting yourself and keeping positive you outside the bedroom just means that the energy levels start to decrease over time. So how do we listen to that? And face some of these tough conversations, which is, you know, how do we bring more more of ourselves towards upon
Laurie Watson 11:37
What’s happening? Peggy Klein, Pat’s on the podcast, she would be a brilliant guest.
George Faller 11:41
There you go.
Laurie Watson 11:45
Again, we’re thanking Uber lube. And it really is sending a package of the product to the first I think 10 or 20 people who sign up with us with Patreon so definitely, you’re going to need to send me your address so I can get it to if that’s okay with you, but really, it is a product that I have given out to every patient for like three years we have a bowl that people can take handfuls of the samples before they’re on their way out so that nobody can see them take it, but it’s it has this long lasting performance because really it’s made from Silicon so it doesn’t get absorbed into the body and it also doesn’t trap bacteria so it’s really safe to use it has like three types of high grade silicone and it has a little bit of vitamin E so that makes you your skin feel good afterwards.
George Faller 12:32
Yeah, I recommend taking a bath tub in it. Just good, Goofy Eskin goofy assault, good face, this kind of sucks like everything’s good, right and it’s sent free and it’s tastes free so you can switch doing all kinds of things sexually. I’m feel good about that. And it doesn’t impact your pH balance or your hormones which is really important for women. It is recommended by thousands of doctors. It’s recommended by a doctor Laurie Watson. And it’s made in the USA. And I’ve said this before, but I really like the packaging, because it’s just clear glass white lettering, it’s beautiful. They’ve done a good job. So please go to Uber lube, calm and use the coupon for play when you check out. And that credits us with your purchase, and we would just love for you to support them. And that helps us to George, you’ve got this whole new website that’s coming up with training materials and stuff. Tell me about it. It’s called success in vulnerability.com. Similar to what we’ve been talking about in the podcast, I’m really trying to train therapists on how to keep their focus in session. And two, if you’re going to invite couples and clients and families to risk doing cleanability, then it’s really critical that they have success when they do it. The reason why people don’t do vulnerability is it doesn’t work out so well for them when they do. So we really want to empower therapists to to know What to do in these critical moments to kind of usher in the transformation that could happen when people go to these vulnerable spots.
Laurie Watson 14:07
And this comes out on June 1. A big launch. So therapists who listen to us can go ahead and check it out. And you’ll be doing trainings and all sorts of things. And you have a team of people. It’s success, invulnerability, calm. So we invite all of you to the big launch on June 1, I’m excited about it. I get to learn a bunch more from George,
George Faller 14:31
one of the blessings of COVID-19 I never had time, but we can get creative when we’re locked in a house and come up with some new endeavors. So I’m looking forward to it. And I appreciate any feedback and support.
Laurie Watson 14:45
Or, Hey, tell me about how often you and your wife have sex. And if that’s, you know, as much as you want it and who initiated it. Tell me all about that.
George Faller 14:56
Well, you know, I think we don’t have enough success. Maybe once a week, maybe twice a week on good weeks, but then usually on the one that initiates it,
Laurie Watson 15:08
and Is that okay with you?
George Faller 15:10
Not, not really. I mean, I get, we’re just busy and it’s sorry in this day and not being in a mood, but I think I make a little bit more of a priority than my wife. Mm hmm.
Laurie Watson 15:23
Okay, so I’m, I’m probably not going to delve into this quite as much at this point in a therapy session. I’m listening. But I’m hearing a lot of things that I think are positive one. This guy is not a blamer. He’s not all about anger and blaming his wife for things. I mean, he’s a little bit unhappy. But overall, he tries to see it as two perspectives. You know, he he volunteers, well, maybe we’re just a little busy. I make it more of a priority. You know, but the way he’s talking about it tells me that it’s this is going to be workable is what I’m seeing is a six therapists,
George Faller 16:00
right. And I would probably also jump in and normalize how that discrepancy is the most common thing we’re going to see a lot of people think it’s just them that have this problem. And it helps to recognize, you know, this is the most common problem couples have.
Laurie Watson 16:15
It is, yeah, that the difference between how often somebody wants to and I think in initiation, and again, we’ll talk further about it, and I would talk with his partner about it. But I know, women by and large, do not see their role as the initiator. And I think men want their partner to initiate their female partner to initiate because they too want to feel desired. So it’s a big mess, right? And sometimes it’s talking it through is just enough to make it happen. So how would you rate your own sense of your body? Do you feel like you’re attractive? Could you tell me maybe a scale of one to 10 how attractive do you think you are?
George Faller 16:54
Wow. You know, I don’t look like I did when I was 20 anymore. With a receding hairline and a growing belly, I don’t. But I still think I have good energy. I’m like, fine. And so I would give myself I’d say, six and a half,
17:12
six and a half. Okay.
George Faller 17:15
You should have saw me at 18.
Laurie Watson 17:18
So, are you attracted to your partner? And do you think your your partner is attracted to you?
George Faller 17:24
Yeah, I am still very attracted to my partner. I think I think my wife is less interested in sex. So I don’t think I know it seems like that happens a lot. So I don’t know how personal it is. I think there are times she’s still very attracted to me, which is good. But there are other times where it doesn’t seem like she’s as I talked to her as I am.
Laurie Watson 17:47
And I would say right to many men, first of all, I mean, he has adequate self esteem, but he probably some of it is diminished because As his partner is not as expressive about that, and also it’s good that he’s attracted to her. Again, this is all tied up in how they’re talking with each other, how they’re expressing that. And, you know, potentially, I think you’ve said this before George, going back to you, George, you know that men are so visual and women I think, get going and feel sexual in a broader way, you know, sometimes just the emotional connection is what brings the attraction.
George Faller 18:31
Right. And we have to be ready as therapists, they go in a lot of different directions. I could answer that question by saying, I’m not so attracted to my wife, you know, she’s gained a lot of weight. And I, that’s really important to me. And you know, so that’s all information that’s kind of explaining is this system open? Is it working? Are there blocks that are things getting in the way of it?
Laurie Watson 18:50
Right, right. So Jorge, does it does everything work right for you? You know, it’s your sexual arousal dependable, do you? Do you have good directions Are you able to ejaculate when you want to?
George Faller 19:05
Oh, yes, I think for the most part, everything works. I mean, there are some days I think it’s, it goes too long. And whereas we maybe it seems like she kind of wants me to kind of be quicker, and I don’t that that that sometimes doesn’t work so well. But, you know, for the most part, I think everything works. And once we get going, we enjoy the process.
Laurie Watson 19:28
Okay, so sometimes it goes a little bit long.
George Faller 19:31
I mean, if I drank, then, you know, maybe sometimes it don’t work as well as I’d want. But
Laurie Watson 19:37
so one of the things I know as a sex therapist, there is such a myth that women want men to last forever. And the reality is, is most women don’t want men to last forever. And so he seems to be aware of this like, Oh, it’s lasting a little bit too long for my wife, right? Why would he say that if he doesn’t already know that, that somehow or another it takes too long. Or maybe he it takes longer than it used to for him or like he mentions with alcohol he can’t ejaculate as quickly. And so he’s a little concerned about that. I think about this. I also, as soon as I hear this, I think, Okay, why is it taking so long? Sometimes men de eroticized the particular encounter in many ways, they, they worry, you know, they get anxious about their performance, and that just messes everything up. Or maybe he’s watched quite a bit of porn, and so he’s comparing either his own performance or his wife’s responsiveness. So it’s not as exciting because he’s like, Ah, you know, she’s not moaning the way they do in porn or whatever. And that could take him longer to reach climax. So in an initial session, I’m just listening for that I’m not necessarily going to dig in, because I want it to be really comfortable, I guess.
George Faller 20:58
So just to make sure I’m here. You’re right, you’re saying premature ejaculation so good thing.
Laurie Watson 21:03
Okay, so this for some women
George Faller 21:09
Alright, so short not too long, just perfect and now I’m just making sure
21:25
okay,
Laurie Watson 21:26
how do you tell your wife what you need and what you desire sexually?
George Faller 21:31
I don’t know I don’t do we probably don’t do such a great job with that because we don’t know it feels like words talking about things mess things up. It’s like when we were younger it all worked well we could kind of just figure out what each other light and you know that’s kind of what I still try to do. Mm hmm.
Laurie Watson 21:46
So whereas could mess it up. You think that wasn’t the way it needs to be? So do you think that what you guys do in bed is erotic does it is it mostly mechanical? Is it boring?
George Faller 22:00
Have it’s a little I think we’ve fallen into a rut like the same thing over and over. But I think we love each other. So it’s, I don’t know, it could we could probably do some things differently.
Laurie Watson 22:12
And have you ever communicated to your partner like explicit things about how you like to be touched maybe or what you want to do?
George Faller 22:19
I mean, I, I remember most of the times he tells me it’s not a good time to talk about it feels like a critique or something. So I don’t I just don’t I’ve words and I’m okay, not talking about it.
Laurie Watson 22:30
Okay. Do you ever shower? Do you ever move your hand or anything like that? Because this question is basically saying, you know, have you ever communicated it to your partner, but this is my side to our audience? Not necessarily have you told your partner and, and maybe I should have been more, especially since he’s already told me. You know, he doesn’t like words. I should have given him a break here and helped him with this. So I mean, even with touch, do you guys help each other understand what you like?
George Faller 22:56
I mean, I think it’s pretty clear, isn’t it Laurie? When you Like something you should pick that up. So I don’t I mean, I don’t know, I think we both kind of figure it out with each other.
Laurie Watson 23:08
So it sounds like overall, you figure it out, I would say just from my perspective as a sex therapist, no, it’s not usually clear to a lot of people that I see. You know, like they, they make a lot of assumptions. And that’s really normal. But there’s so much more that can happen when people aren’t really communicating well, and maybe together, we can all talk about that. And we’ll see how it goes.
George Faller 23:31
And it’s really cool. What you’re doing is we are trying to get people to become more explicit about their assumptions. You can’t challenge something or stretch it or grow it if you don’t even know what it is. Right. I would never know that I don’t really talk about this stuff. But this these questions to start to make me realize is Jorge, wow, words are not that communication is not an area we really thrive in around our sexuality.
Laurie Watson 23:54
Right. And a lot of what I hear from Jorge is he’s afraid to talk And on some level, you know, cuz he could mess it up. He’s like, Well, you know, used to work good. And I don’t know, you know, so he doesn’t, he doesn’t have a lot of hope inside that this could make it better,
George Faller 24:10
right. And as a reluctance to really want to go deeper. It’s like I want to sprinklin a couple of fun things. And that’s really all I’m looking for these these deep questions of like, Whoa, it is.
Laurie Watson 24:22
Right. So Jorge, back to you. Are there any sex acts that you desire and your partner doesn’t or things that your partner would want to do that you don’t want to do?
George Faller 24:32
I would like again, I think we’ve we fall into a pretty typical routine, and I just would like it, maybe some different positions, or I would like some more oral sex, both giving it to her and getting it myself. I just think we’ve gotten away from some of that.
Laurie Watson 24:47
Okay. Okay, so we will talk about all of that. We’ll find a way to talk about all that. So I’m just wondering, and this is again, a all of this is personal stuff, but do you ever use porn to sort of create arousal or has your partner also has your partner expressed concerns about your use of porn.
George Faller 25:07
We don’t really talk about it. I think when we go through dry spells, then I will, I will look at some porn and, you know, it’s just a way of not putting pressure and just kind of getting a quick release, but I don’t think it’s that big of a problem. We don’t really talk about it.
Laurie Watson 25:24
Okay. So what I would say, right is a lot of men, surprisingly, are really honest about this question when it’s just with one person. And as a sex therapist, when I do individual assessments, my contract, my goal is to help the couple. I don’t necessarily want to hide information, but I want them to learn, I want to coach them essentially about how to reveal relevant information. This probably is not relevant. In my mind. He uses it for himself. He’s not overusing it. She doesn’t know or they don’t talk about it. I mean, Maybe it will come up. But I would, I would wait for her to bring it up versus try to insist that this be some theme of discovery between them.
George Faller 26:09
Right. Last question.
Laurie Watson 26:12
Okay. Are there any medications or health conditions that I should know about? Do you have like high stress? Or do you take high blood pressure medicine? Anything that is getting in the way maybe of expressing yourself fully sexually?
George Faller 26:24
All right. I’ve a few times had some, some medicine for for a bit of anxiety, trouble sleeping when work gets really stressful, but that’s about it.
Laurie Watson 26:36
Okay, okay, that’s great, and just for our listenership. If a man is taking high blood pressure medicine, he’s going to have erection difficulties.
George Faller 26:45
I think a lot of men when the doctor is given that information, can I tune some of that out? Yeah, I don’t not make the connection. I
Laurie Watson 26:52
don’t think many doctors tell them explicitly, hey, by the way, this is going to impact your erections. So but it does and some of them have lesser degrees of it, but all of them do. Okay. Well, thank you, Jorge, so much for sharing this with me, we will get back together with your wife in our next session and, and I’m going to have a meeting with her. And we’ll just kind of talk about some of this together and see how much progress we made. I hear that for you, man words have not necessarily been your strong suit. But we’ll see if Together, we can make things a little bit better.
George Faller 27:26
Great. And back is George now it’s less about the information. It’s more about the therapist starting to plant seeds starting to kind of touch base on these topics that have been chronically avoided, right. And I really want my clients to have success in answering these questions like, you know, there’s no judgment or you know, we’re just trying to understand who you are so we can help you become more comfortable with your sexuality and communicating that
Laurie Watson 27:52
right. And also just to have a more expansive experience with your partner. Thanks for listening to four players. Radio. Keep it hot.
Announcer 28:03
Hey patrons Laurie is offering a Facebook Live on Friday night June 12. Starting at 6pm. Eastern Sign up today.
Laurie Watson 28:10
For those of you who are listening today, we are also going to send out some free Uber lifts. Those of you who sponsor us on our Patreon page,
Announcer 28:19
calling your questions to the foreplay question voicemail, dial 833 my four play that’s 833 the number four play and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor.
