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George Faller [00:00:31]:

Children New Year’s resolution. How about the sexual check in, baby? What do you think? Lori?

Laurie Watson [00:00:38]:

Happy New Year. Let’s talk.

George Faller [00:00:41]:

Let’s talk. Let’s talk about sex, baby. Let’s do it. Yeah.

Laurie Watson [00:00:48]:

Welcome to foreplay sex therapy. I’m Dr. Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller [00:00:52]:

And I’m George Faller, a couple’s therapist.

Laurie Watson [00:00:55]:

We are here to talk about sex.

George Faller [00:00:57]:

Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate their body, their mind, and their hearts.

Laurie Watson [00:01:05]:

And we have a little bit of fun doing it.

George Faller [00:01:06]:

Right, g listen and let’s change some relationships. So here we are, end of another year, trying to push this mission forward, getting couples more comfortable talking about sex. Most of us don’t grow up in families talking about sex. It’s awkward. We’re not really sure. But the good news is, when you get some reps, it’s the most natural thing, isn’t it, Laurie?

Laurie Watson [00:01:31]:

So natural. And we’re hoping to help therapists as well talk about sex with their clients just so that this conversation extends and helps heal people’s sexual cycle. And we know that the sexual attachment and the emotional attachment together forms the tightest bond for a couple. So we want to help in both ways. And in the new year, we’re thinking, how would you do a sex check in? How do you think about sex?

George Faller [00:02:03]:

Being really intentional is the goal. That’s how you can measure success and moving the needle. Are you having these conversations or are you not being that intentional? And I think just taking a moment to acknowledge our patrons talking about being intentional, right. Their support really does free us up to kind of throw more of our resources and energy towards this. And we really want more patrons to take us to the next level. Spread the word. Give us your support. Because this is we all want to be part of something bigger than ourselves. And that’s what me and Lori are hoping for here. Like this message, this mission to kind of make sex a more beautiful, comfortable thing to talk about and experience. This world desperately needs it in whatever capacity people get that message out. So whoever’s listening, if you have means and you can give back and kind of help, that would be amazing. If you don’t have means, you could help by just passing this along to a friend and helping to spread that message. We really do appreciate I mean, I know this time of year, everyone’s hitting people up for money. And we’re not doing this to be rich. We’re doing this because somebody has to. And we appreciate you all giving us sharing this responsibility with us to just continue to move this forward. At the end of the day, that’s what we’re measuring. Do we get more listeners? Is the message getting out? There are people sending us emails that, hey, these conversations are changing our lives for the better, right? That they’re able to have conversations with their kids that they never would have had. I mean, that’s the beauty of being part of something. And so much of the feedback that we get from our listeners helps us to kind of brainstorm and keep kind of trying to talk about things we’ve never talked about. So this truly is a partnership. You’re all part of our team, and we just want to take a moment to be thankful for your cooperation and your engagement.

Laurie Watson [00:04:10]:

Yeah. Many times when people write us letters, which we get lots and lots of letters, we use your ideas. Sometimes we directly use your question or your comments in our Q as. But even if we don’t use it that way, we are listening to you and trying to respond with our content to the things that are important and the dilemmas that you find yourself in.

George Faller [00:04:31]:

And it’s about being intentional. So let’s talk about this, Lori. How do we do this sexual check in? Like a New Year’s resolution, right where we are intentional, we think about the new year. Why not add to sexual check in as part of your New Year’s resolution?

Laurie Watson [00:04:46]:

Absolutely. So my husband and I, we do do like a couple review and a family review and kind of think about it. The new year, everything, finances, what we got to get done this year, planning fun things like vacations. And we do often check in on our relationship, what’s happening between us, what are the positive things, what are our challenges, including our sex life? And I think this is kind of what we’re asking our listeners to do. And I guess as I was thinking about it with you, George, I know that as a sexual pursuer, that’s an exciting conversation. I can imagine as a sexual withdrawal, it could be ready for a fail. Like, oh, no, waiting for that score.

George Faller [00:05:33]:

You got a D plus after a year of tried, how’s your D plus hanging?

Laurie Watson [00:05:39]:

Exactly. So I guess one thing I’d like to do is how can we make it safe for sexual withdrawals to have this conversation without dread, without thinking? Oh, no. I’m just going to hear the same thing I’ve heard every other conversation, which is I’m failing. I’m not good enough in bed. I don’t bring enough to the bedroom. All that. How can we help them and protect them?

George Faller [00:06:02]:

Yeah, that’s a good question. I think the check in is just to gather information, right? When we know when both people are open to information and feedback. They do better, they have more flexibility. So really building that into the conversation, hey, we just want to see kind of where we’re at, celebrate the progress we’ve made. There’s always work to be done, but that’s not the emphasis of this check in, right?

Laurie Watson [00:06:26]:

I think that there’s three cycles right there’s the emotional cycle, the sexual cycle, and the caretaking cycle, which we don’t talk a whole lot about, but I think people do get lost there in their relationship. They need support. That’s kind of where I know you’ve got my back. I know you’re going to help me pick up the toys, or when I’m dog tired or sick, you’re going to take care of me, that kind of thing. I think if I were a sexual withdrawal, what I would want to hear is just kind of the wants and the wishes versus the complaints. Like, this is resolution, this is intention, this is going forward, not criticism of what I’m not doing well. So I can kind of imagine telling a sexual withdrawal or something like, hey, here’s the three things I’m looking for in our sexual relationship. I’d love a set aside time every other week where we just take an evening and it’s only us together. We get the kids at your mother’s, or if we don’t have kids, we go to a hotel. If you have means, my gosh, please go to a hotel. Something where we just set aside a long time to be together doesn’t mean we’re going to have sex the whole time, but just where we can relax, enjoy each other, let down, let the chores go, let everything go, put the damn phones down, be together, and then have some intention about making love. That would be awesome for me if I knew every other week we were going to just take a couple of hours and be together. And I’m not saying that okay, I’m a sexual pursuer. I’m not saying I only want sex every other week, but I am saying an intention, that would be great. Okay, what would be something positive that you would say, George, that would not hurt.

George Faller [00:08:21]:

I just want to highlight what you’re saying because it feels really important to focus on the wanting and the longing and the positive going into 2023. This isn’t talking about what you don’t have and focusing on the negative. It’s trying to resource both partners to say, we can talk about what worked in 2022 as a way of celebrating, but 2023 is how do we look forward to and I love your idea of taking out the calendar. I mean, we take out the calendar to schedule working out, going to the gym. We take it out to figure out work and vacations. Why are we not taking out the calendar to figure out these moments to recharge sexually. Like, maybe you do need that quarterly or a couple of times a year where you’re like taking a sexual kind of vacation with each other. I don’t know, but these are fun conversations to have with your partner.

Laurie Watson [00:09:21]:

Yeah. And you and I talk about protecting each other. So if I bring that up as a sexual pursuer trying to be positive, how might a sexual withdrawal respond to protect me from starting to feel anxious, like that I’ve been too much or I’m asking for too much? Pretend you’re the sexual with Jar. What would you say to me so that I would feel safe in this conversation?

George Faller [00:09:48]:

I mean, I think the timing matters, and what I mean by that is the person who’s bringing up needs to bring up the protection. So if you’re the pursuer and you’re kind of saying, hey, I want to talk about sex, you got to figure out how to protect the withdrawal to even get their brain open enough to then protect the pursuer back. So what could you say to me in this conversation that would make me not already go into a defensive place? Because when Susie say, let’s talk about sex, my brain is already like, oh, shit, here we go. What did I do?

Laurie Watson [00:10:18]:

Yeah, okay. For me, this would have to be in the context of our relational talk and our planning the new Year and our dreaming and all of that. So I would have also mentioned I want to talk about our couple relationship as kind of the different areas that we want to work on. And certainly emotionally, I want to be responsive to you. Sexually, I want to be responsive to you and just in the things that we are trying to get done, I really want to be responsive. And I know that especially the sexual piece, we get into it a lot, and there’s been so many times you’ve felt criticized and like you’re not enough. And I just want you to know I’m aware of that. That is so not what I want to do to you. I want us to dream in the future this to be positive. I’m going to be really careful when we talk about it. Let’s say maybe next Saturday talk about it. I just want you to know I’m aware of how bad I can make you feel. And so I’m really going to focus and concentrate on being future oriented and positive, and I’m not going to try to push the envelope here where I already know the things you don’t want to do. I want to talk about it and see to form some ideas. And I know it’s hard for you to think of ideas, and that’s cool. I’m not going to ask you to think up new ideas and your three top things you want to see in the sexual relationship. I’m not going to do that to you. I think I just want it to be a gentle, responsive conversation. I’m going to be really careful, and I’m not going to try to push us beyond where we already go and get into trouble.

George Faller [00:12:10]:

I appreciate that. Just that you’re keeping me in mind as your energy kind of comes forth, because sometimes it can feel, like, pretty overwhelming. And to know that you want to protect me from the message that I’m failing or coming up short just makes me a little bit more motivated to kind of want to hang in these conversations. So thank you. So let’s come back and talk about how I can protect you back.

Laurie Watson [00:12:40]:

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George Faller [00:12:50]:

Lori I’m so proud of our partnership with Uberlube. They really are making a difference, helping people feel more, enjoy more. That’s all what we’re about, too. So we just really appreciate our partnership with them.

Laurie Watson [00:13:05]:

Exactly. Uber Lube. It was created with sex in mind. Its formula is pure. It’s basically silicone based, smooth and silky, and it’s body friendly, so you don’t have to worry about yeast infections or glycerin or parabens. And it’s got a perfect pump for the perfect experience every single time. OOH, that’s kind of sexy. Uberlube.com with the code Foreplay for your discount.

George Faller [00:13:29]:

Hey, we love Uber Lube. And thank you, listeners, for supporting Uberlube, who supports us.

Laurie Watson [00:13:35]:

Uberlube.com with the code foreplay. Okay, it’s Christmas, and we so want you to focus on your relationship now and in the new year and for all time to come. And we really have a cool tool to share with you about. It’s called the lasting connection system. It’s by one of our own. efters dr. Rebecca Jorgensen. And I really want you to look at the couple connection system. It’s a groundbreaking, kind of innovative method that guides you as a couple through how to connect, be more fully authentic, deeper, and have more meaning in your relationship. It’s something that will help you outside of therapy, basically teaches you how to communicate from that deep, vulnerable place that we keep talking about, and also helps you later on with conflict resolution. You use your body to stand on a mat, do different exercises with you. It’s perfect to use as homework between therapy sessions. Or if you’re not in therapy, we really encourage you to use it. And also, if you’re an EFT therapist, there’s also a Mentor Connection System so that it’ll teach you how to use it with your couples and use this tool. I just think so many of us are starved for deeper, more meaningful connection with our partner, and this is a way to do it. Take some time over the holiday. Take some time over Christmas to use this system.

Speaker Ads [00:14:53]:

Go to buildingalastingconnection.com and use the coupon foreplay for 20% off that’s buildingalastingconnection.com. With the coupon foreplay, get your connection.

Laurie Watson [00:15:03]:

System today and help learn how to regulate emotion and share your deeper feelings with each other, the things that really matter, and we all want that. At this season, so I think right there, the fact that the sexual withdrawal said responded to my efforts of protecting him. Just saying something like, I appreciate you acknowledging our conflict. I appreciate your effort at trying to keep me safe. I mean, that right there is responsiveness in the sexual attachment cycle.

George Faller [00:15:41]:

Great.

Laurie Watson [00:15:42]:

That is good. That is good news. It’s like an openness it isn’t a wild sexual openness, but it’s an openness to the conversation. It’s an acknowledgment of my trying. That helps right there. I think if you’re a sexual buy.

George Faller [00:15:57]:

In to have this conversation exactly. Why not take the time to be proactive in the beginning to set yourself up for more success? You know each other’s triggers. So to be able to say, I know your trigger and I’m going to do my best to protect you from that happening, that feels really good to me, and I want to return that favor. So for me to be able to say to you, I know my hesitation or my caution around these conversations can be a big trigger for you when you’re already doing more than your fair share of work to kind of push for an agenda in these conversations. And it doesn’t seem like I’m meeting you. It kind of sets you up to protest, and then I get annoyed at your protest. So I really want to learn how to do better at protecting you from feeling like you’re too much, that there’s something wrong with you because you want this, because what you’re pushing for is beautiful. It’s healthy, it’s important, it’s needed. And a lot of times I lose sight of that when I’m feeling kind of the tunnel vision of the message that I’m doing something wrong or coming up short. So I do want to protect you from feeling like you’re too much when all you’re trying to do is kind of get us closer together.

Laurie Watson [00:17:16]:

Nice. I mean, all those words from a withdrawal that’s a lot of words from a withdrawal about a subject that is tense. So that feels really good. It’s not. Okay. Sure, we can have that conversation. It’s a lot of acknowledgment about what I might feel. So I think that’s really great.

George Faller [00:17:41]:

Yeah. I mean, this isn’t rocket science. Our couples listen and need to get better. It’s the same trigger over and over again. Pursuers, hear the message, they’re too much. withdrawers, hear the message, they’re too little. It’s the same dance. Why not speak to that upfront to each other and say, I don’t want you to feel too much in this conversation. I don’t want you to feel too little. Right. We want to meet in the middle where it’s just right.

Laurie Watson [00:18:05]:

Baby bear.

George Faller [00:18:06]:

Baby bear.

Laurie Watson [00:18:07]:

Baby bear. Right.

George Faller [00:18:08]:

The porridge is warm.

Laurie Watson [00:18:11]:

Yeah, exactly. We both got hoarse voices. George, I’m still recovering, too.

George Faller [00:18:16]:

The whole world is recovering.

Laurie Watson [00:18:18]:

Yeah.

George Faller [00:18:19]:

Everyone I know is sick or coming over is sick or just getting sick.

Laurie Watson [00:18:22]:

Yeah.

George Faller [00:18:23]:

Fun times.

Laurie Watson [00:18:24]:

Fun times.

George Faller [00:18:25]:

But you still need sex.

Laurie Watson [00:18:26]:

But we still need sex.

George Faller [00:18:28]:

Even sick sex, right?

Laurie Watson [00:18:31]:

Do you ever get so sick that you don’t want sex?

George Faller [00:18:33]:

Never, I’m sure, when you’re barely surviving.

Laurie Watson [00:18:41]:

Barely surviving. Okay, so let’s go back. Let’s go back. Come on. Enough about our sickness.

George Faller [00:18:47]:

Trying to drag our listeners down, especially we’re trying to get them to be more intentional.

Laurie Watson [00:18:52]:

They’re all like, yeah, I love the idea.

George Faller [00:18:54]:

I do get excited. It’s cool that you do that with your husband. You do a check in on how you do with finances, how you’re doing with the family, how are you doing with your relationship? And how are you doing sexually? I really just love how clear that is to prioritize. We know that attention is the oxygen in a relationship. There are no shortcuts to giving something attention if it’s important. And if you don’t, if you wait till the time is left over, you never really get there. This is a couple being proactive, building in the importance of this and taking out their calendar and saying, like, what are we doing about this? Even to have that conversation around, discrepancy how often, how much, what works, what doesn’t work. And we need to come up with a questionnaire here to just help this process. What do you think, Laurie?

Laurie Watson [00:19:47]:

I think that’s a good you know, we are having our sex retreat, our couple’s retreat about talking about sex in September. We have canceled the spring one, basically because of our training and our busyness, but we’re going to do one this year, September eigth. So put that on your calendar of therapist. Great sex, great love. And we do have our therapist training in March still.

George Faller [00:20:12]:

So that’s still on third and fourth.

Laurie Watson [00:20:15]:

Yes. And you can find it on forplaysextherapy.com that’s where you find it. So, George, let’s pretend you’re the withdrawer and you have some responsibility in this. You how might you talk about the sex life and a projection into the new year?

George Faller [00:20:35]:

I don’t know how I keep getting a role of the sexual withdrawal here, but shout out to you all, I love you. Again. I think the more the sexual withdrawal sees the value in doing this not as a way of placating their partner, but as a way of standing up for themselves and having more vitality in their lives. That’s why the withdrawal initiating is so important. So having this annual check in that says, how are we doing sexually? As a withdrawal, I really do want to say, all right, can we start off by celebrating? I’m more responsive in my kind of love making. Right. And that makes it a little bit harder for me to initiate. And you’re acknowledging that, which is really helpful. And you’re appreciating that I’m being more proactive to really celebrate and tell me I’m doing something right. It’s harder for me to be proactive than it is for you. I don’t have the drive that you have. So when we go into this conversation acknowledging that and saying, hey, thank you for making this more of a priority, of putting more of your energy towards it, you’re doing a good job. That good job really does a lot for withdrawers and helping them kind of be motivated and relaxing a little bit. We want them relaxed in this conversation, not tense.

Laurie Watson [00:22:00]:

Wait, I’m confused. Are you the withdrawal or are you the pursuer? I’m the withdrawal and you’re saying good job to the pursuer.

George Faller [00:22:08]:

No, I want you to say good job to me.

Laurie Watson [00:22:10]:

Okay, I’ve already said that. Now I want to know what you’re going to say to me that makes me feel safe about having this conversation. One suggestion might be the framework for the best sex conversation that we have on our couples retreat. And we have episodes on this too, so you all can look this up. But best would be the body, the emotions, our spirits, and our erotic thoughts and sexes.

George Faller [00:22:36]:

Sex is a sexual cycle. Exploring some kind of history, bringing external things like toys or kind of having a drink and just having these conversations with each other, really thinking about it in a mindset of gas pedals and brakes. What are some things that turn you on and what are some things that you turn you off? When couples can do a more thorough assessment with each other, they could identify some areas for the year that they want to improve. Maybe they recognize, you know what? We’re not really so in touch with our bodies. We’re so focused on our erotic kind of brains and fantasies that we kind of disconnect. So what are some ways that we can connect more to our bodies? And having a massage or putting a candle, scented candle or putting lights on eye contact? I mean, there’s things that they can do right? And that’s really what we’re hoping, that couples are just going to come up with a plan. There’s no right or wrong way of doing this. It’s just about saying, all right, let’s think about our sex life in the broadest expansion. We can and are there things we can do that turn off? Things that kind of are turn offs and turn up on, things that turn us on. And couples that can do that at the end of the year in 2023, they can even have more to celebrate.

Laurie Watson [00:23:48]:

Yeah, I think when I work with sexual withdrawers, especially females, many times, they actually do have thoughts inside about how to make it better. And they might have said it, they might have whispered it earlier in their sex life and somehow or another that went away. So this is kind of I would encourage you as a sexual withdrawal. This is your moment. It’s like, hey, I like to make love at night when I still have energy. I love it by candlelight. Or why don’t we do it in front of the fire, all the lights off, all the curtains closed or whatever, just some way that you can maybe access the body, which is our sight, our hearing, maybe. I like music or soft music or something that puts me in the mood. If you have anything that you can offer your partner that you might have offered in the past, hasn’t been heard. Just, again, a positive way to say that is, I think, for me, and maybe I’ve said this before, but I’d like to emphasize it again versus you didn’t hear me the first time, so why should I say it this time? But just this is something that I do want to bring up about how I participate in my body with my different senses, and that kind of helps me. So anything that you can offer in that way. What about emotional connection? What might we say there in best sex? I think as a pursuer, I might say, I just want you to know sometimes maybe I’m in a bad mood. And I can imagine you not wanting to have sex with me when I’m in a bad mood. But if there’s ever a moment that you can come up and touch me and hold me, my bad mood just kind of melts away. And sex is a great way sometimes for me to expel that energy.

George Faller [00:25:47]:

Yeah, you’re introducing the romantic and the importance of that. Some couples get stuck in a rut, and it’s just they’re going through the same motions all the time. So to step out of that, maybe you put on some music and you do some dancing with each other, you take out an album and you look through your honeymoon. I mean, these things prime the heart, right? It brings another element into the bedroom that’s really important. So encouraging couples to just be more intentional. Most people want to, they just don’t know how to do it. Best sex conversation just gives you a lot more tools to work with, to be able to talk to each other, to think about, well, do we share our fantasies? Do we talk about that? Do we want to bring in a vibrator? Have we talked about our sexual history? These are all things that a lot of couples never have talked about with each other. Right. And you want to be intentional. You want to be able to assess, is this going to help us? Is this something that could turn us on more, give us more to work with? But equally important is trying to figure out things that turn you off. Having sex at the end of the night when you’re exhausted, that might not be so great. Can you find ways of limiting that? Or when the kids are home next door? What are these different things that turn you off to be able to talk directly to your partner about it? I’m always looking for measurable things. All right, if that’s a turn off. Let’s try not doing that and measure does that increase sexual engagement? That these things are not rocket science. There’s practical things that both partners can do that will definitely move the meter in the direction of better sex if they will put the work in to do it.

Laurie Watson [00:27:32]:

So maybe what we’re suggesting is in the best sex conversation as a sexual check in is try to especially if you’re a withdrawal, trying to make it as concrete as possible. I’m thinking about it ahead of time. I want to say I have a low score here, here, and here. And maybe I can think about having a higher score if we’ll move our late night love making to early morning or Saturday when the kids are both gone at sports events. Let’s try to sneak in a quickie there so that we go into the weekend and we have the weekend kind of feeling connected. Because again, the good thing might be for a sexual withdrawal is I do feel connected after sex, I feel better.

George Faller [00:28:17]:

Exactly.

Laurie Watson [00:28:17]:

But this conflict between us is what puts me off. So I would just think about if you’re a sexual withdrawal, be as concrete as possible. If you’re a sexual pursuer, definitely protect your partner, set them up well, and no matter what, don’t get mad in that conversation. No matter what, just make this a happy conversation.

George Faller [00:28:41]:

Exactly. And this is a win win situation. We know anticipation is a huge turn on for a lot of people waiting for sex. That is foreplay, getting your brain and body primed and ready to go. And if it’s not, if anticipation starts to bring up dread or worry, that also is a doorway to connect. Maybe you don’t have sex, but you take that opportunity to talk about the fear and not wanting to let your partner down, that’s really important too. We win either way. As long as the couple has a conversation, the only way we lose is we just don’t talk about it.

Laurie Watson [00:29:18]:

That’s right. So happy New Year and thanks for listening.

George Faller [00:29:22]:

Keep it hot. Here we go. 2023.

Laurie Watson [00:29:25]:

Okay, y’all, if you want to improve your couple relationship at home, we have a beautiful program for you. It’s called buildingalastingconnection.com couple connection system. This is where you find it. And it is this basically a manual, prepared exercises, conversation starters. And you actually move around a mat like you’re actually taking literal steps as you take emotional steps to communicate better with each other and also to learn better conflict resolution. This is from an EFT therapist.

George Faller [00:30:02]:

Yes. Dr. Rebecca Jorgensen, who’s an EFT trainer, and Dr. Debbie Gilmore, an EFT supervisor. Both really creative, brilliant minds that have a passion for helping couples have these conversations in their own home and have fun while they’re doing it. The mad thing is a great idea, really.

Laurie Watson [00:30:19]:

You can begin sort of how to share these feelings. You can use it with therapy or without therapy. It’s so reasonably priced you can find [email protected] coupleconnection system, but we’ll have it on our website and if you use the code Foreplay, you’ll get 20% off, which is a generous offer. This is a super affordable, super great way to begin deepening your connection emotionally and also learning better conflict resolution again buildingalastingconnection.com and P s. They have a.

George Faller [00:30:53]:

Cool little premarital program. Always nice to start a new couple off with that secure foundation. Check it out.

Speaker Ads [00:31:00]:

Call in your questions to the Foreplay Question voicemail dial eight three three my foreplay that’s eight three three my the number four play and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by Foreplay Media.

Speaker Ads [00:31:25]:

Hey, guys. I’m Natalie Pouche, and I’m the host of your new favorite podcast, humble and Hungry. It’s time to grab your cheese board and your favorite bottle of wine because we’re having a girls night, and we’re about to embark on a whole new journey as we juggle motherhood and blindfully navigating through our 30s. We’re talking life, drama, dating, and everything in between. I recommend listening to Humble and Hungry on the Iheart app on Apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.