Joe Davis – Announcer [00:00:00]:

The following content is not suitable for children.

George Faller [00:00:05]:

Can you hear that vibrator? Laurie we’re going to do a show on vibrations. Baby.

Laurie Watson [00:00:10]:

I’m afraid of somebody hearing the vibrator. Oh, my gosh. Welcome to foreplay sex therapy. I’m Dr. Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller [00:00:21]:

And I’m George Faller, your couple’s therapist.

Laurie Watson [00:00:24]:

We are here to talk about sex.

George Faller [00:00:26]:

Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate their body, their mind and their hearts, and.

Laurie Watson [00:00:34]:

We have a little bit of fun doing it. Right.

George Faller [00:00:36]:

G listen and let’s change some relationships.

Laurie Watson [00:00:39]:

Let’s talk about what people are afraid of with vibrators.

George Faller [00:00:43]:

Well, I think we all need some basic education on vibrators. There’s so much people that are threatened by it. Right. And I think we need to help with that. Laurie, so what do you got?

Laurie Watson [00:00:56]:

Yeah, a lot of times when I suggest a vibrator, there’s emotional issues that come up for people, but there are just some physical issues, too. Like, people who have never used a vibrator have no idea how to do it right. I always tell people, start out further from the body. So either touch the vibrator through to your body, through a quilt, through a sheet, progressively closer to the body. Sometimes if you put a vibrator on, your body just cold, it’s not going to feel good.

George Faller [00:01:31]:

Hold on, because, again, I’ve recommended vibrators many times in couples therapy, and I never even thought about somebody would need a lesson on how to work, which is so I think this is great. Laurie we got to help us out because they just think it’s pretty intuitive.

Laurie Watson [00:01:47]:

But maybe if you and which vibrator?

George Faller [00:01:50]:

Which type of vibrator? Right.

Laurie Watson [00:01:51]:

And if you’re a they know what you’re talking about.

George Faller [00:01:53]:

George you’re going right to the clitoris. It might not work so well. So we need some instructions here, Laurie.

Laurie Watson [00:01:59]:

On how to okay, so first of all, a vibrator for a woman, she’s got to drive. So I really would not recommend a man putting a vibrator on a woman’s body as a first move or really kind of ever. It’s like she knows the spot. She knows how sensitive she is. It’s like she’s kind of got to control this whole thing. I mean, maybe later it might be fun. If she’s aroused. Yeah, he can use the vibrator, but really, most of the time, she needs to know where she’s at before she’s ready to use it and kind of where to put it and how to put it and how fast to put it there. And I think she should practice a little of that by herself first before an encounter so that she gets used to it, so it’s not like the very first thing. She feels it in partnership and I don’t know, it could go sideways.

George Faller [00:02:52]:

And what makes the vibrator work so well?

Laurie Watson [00:02:55]:

It basically vibrates the nerves of the clitoris in a way that it goes through your whole pelvis. So it’s the glands of the clitoris, the root of the clitoris, and all of the sort of auxiliary nerves in your vulva that feel that vibration. So everything is happening kind of all at once. So it’s a sure thing to get aroused or to also reach orgasm. I mean, either way or either reason to use it or both reasons to use it, it’s a sure thing.

George Faller [00:03:27]:

Most of the time, I think you become less threatened. And when you understand more about physiology, when you understand most women don’t orgasm during intercourse and they do orgasm during clitoral stimulation. A vibrator is probably the easiest, simplest way to make that happen. Which is why so often that’s your go to first kind of move. If you’re assessing somebody’s not having an orgasm or they’re struggling, like, bring that into the room. Let’s talk about what that does.

Laurie Watson [00:03:57]:

I used to think that women should masturbate first to orgasm if they didn’t have orgasms. Like they needed to learn their body enough with their hands to touch themselves. But somebody talked to me about that and I really took it in. It was a physical therapist who said, yeah, but Laurie, if they don’t know what it feels like, if they don’t know what arousal is, they don’t know what they’re going for. So that’s like a slow route and I’m like, exactly. I get that. So I almost always recommend vibrators when people don’t have orgasms. Or like you just mentioned, you can use a vibrator during sexual intercourse in certain positions that allow for her to climax at the same time as he is or relatively about that same time, or just to increase the stimulation while she’s having intercourse. It can be used in multiple ways.

George Faller [00:04:47]:

I did a Google search for vibrators and I was like, Holy cow, there’s a million different size and shapes. You got these things with angles that can kind of stimulate the anus, go inside you as it’s stimulating the clitoris. It’s big, it’s small, it’s pocket size. I mean, do you have any recommendations, know where to start? If you were somebody for the first time, you’re getting a vibrator.

Laurie Watson [00:05:10]:

Yeah, I do. So New Sensual is a little lipstick size vibrator. You can literally carry it on the airplane in your purse and nobody would ever know. And it is actually very powerful. I think it’s on Amazon. It has all kinds of different speeds and rhythms. And surprisingly for a small little item, it does have power and that’s important. And then kind of the hitachi wand style. A lot of women start there because it doesn’t look like a vibrator. They’re not embarrassed to have it in their nightstand. It is a back massager. But then they learn to use it on their clitoris and that can be really great too. That’s usually the ones that most women start with. Most women start with vibrators that are clitoral. Why do you think men get afraid of a woman using a vibrator. Like she says, I got toys.

George Faller [00:06:03]:

Yeah. I think the fear of the unknown on both sides, if you don’t have a lot of awareness on how things work, then you think it must be you. The woman thinks her body’s not working right, so she needs this. So the guy thinks he’s not performing right. If he was on top of his game, his wife or his partner wouldn’t need a vibrator. So the vibrator is like a competing attachment. It’s like proof that I’m failing or I’m inadequate. Right.

Laurie Watson [00:06:29]:

And I think it’s a competing penis is what men think. They think about vibrators because they think women often want sexual intercourse, that that’s how she comes. And so they’re thinking, now she’s going to put something inside her that’s going to make her come. And most women don’t even use vibrators inside their vagina. They use them on their clitoris most of the time.

George Faller [00:06:49]:

Right. Well, I like the idea of the small little vibrator.

Laurie Watson [00:06:55]:

It’s less threatening.

George Faller [00:06:56]:

It’s less threatening, yeah. Whenever you bust out that big one, it’s a little bit more that way. But trying to, again, dispel comfort some of these fears. And like anything else, when we’re talking about introducing novelty or toys, it has all got to be aligned with your values. If it’s something you’re not comfortable with, that’s totally cool too. This is all for people are free to choose what they want to do in the bedroom.

Laurie Watson [00:07:24]:

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George Faller [00:07:51]:

But introducing a vibrator, maybe you need to have a conversation beforehand. This vibrator is just because I haven’t really known how to touch myself or to kind of give myself a clear orgasm. I mean, maybe you finally read the statistics that say 80% of women don’t orgasm during intercourse. It’s not the guy’s fault, it’s not the woman’s fault. So let’s have a conversation that could increase. And Laurie always says this. If you increase the amount of orgasms, it’s better for everybody. Right. A woman wants to have more sex if her body is being rewarded for that sex. And so this is in the guy’s best interest to increase the number of orgasms.

Laurie Watson [00:08:37]:

Yeah, orgasm is a big physiological reward. And I think, too, the main thing is most women don’t climax with intercourse. Maybe he can get better at touching her and maybe they can use the vibrator during that time too. She can use it kind of get turned on. He can touch her a little bit or give her oral sex and she’s more turned on. One of the big flaws, I think, is men with oral sex is they know women like it, so they go down really quickly because they want to get her going. And they’re often generous lovers. They want to, but she’s not aroused enough for it to really feel very stimulating. So either she says she crosses it off her list, I don’t really need that. It doesn’t do much for me. And he’s like, okay, that doesn’t really work. And they’re crossing off their list something that is pretty exciting. They’re just doing it at the wrong time. So a vibrator, maybe. It’s like she’s kind of starting cold and she wants to get going, and she doesn’t have all day, and it’s Thursday night and she wants to have sex and she wants to have an orgasm, but she also wants to go to bed. And so this is it. This is a great way to have a quickie and maybe then she gets aroused and then she says, hey, why don’t you go down or something like that, where they’re using it as part of their foreplay, too. She wants touch, but she also wants touch once she’s aroused. And that is so hard, I think, because men, they understand they’ve got to touch her and they’ve got to touch her for a long time, but touching her too soon, ironically, doesn’t work. It’s really hard to explain, but if.

George Faller [00:10:15]:

Your body trying, keep trying. We might have thick skulls as men, but if you keep trying, eventually something kind of gets in there.

Laurie Watson [00:10:25]:

Thank you. Yeah, I mean, that’s why I talk about women need this sort of warm up time, because something kind of turns on in your body and then touch feels good. And until that turn on happens, you could be touched and it could hurt. It could not feel good, it could not feel sexy. And then if your partner is touching you and you don’t feel a sexual response, there’s just this thing that comes up and says, oh, this is not working. It’s not going to be my night. Let’s just have sex. Let’s just have intercourse. She gives up on herself, he probably gives up on her. So vibrators are a really good solution on that kind of night when you’re.

George Faller [00:11:10]:

Not getting as you’re talking about it. I think some men feel a disconnect with the vibrator. It’s not just the competition, but a lot of women just kind of pull into their own world as they focus on the vibrator and they pull away from the kind of sexual encounter. So kind of is there a way of staying connected to your partner as you’re using the vibrate? I think that might be an important piece.

Laurie Watson [00:11:37]:

Well, he could stimulate her cheese spot at the same time. That might work. I mean, he could also be stroking her, touching her breasts, whispering in her ear, holding her. All of that is like engagement. That would feel good so you’re not so alone.

George Faller [00:11:56]:

I love what you’re inviting men to do here, which is, when that vibrator comes out, engage even more. This is where your partner needs that kind of emotional bond and to kind of come closer. This isn’t a time to roll over and just give your partner some alone time.

Laurie Watson [00:12:12]:

Absolutely. And maybe tell her, I love that you’re doing this to yourself. It’s so exciting as your body gets excited. I love watching you get excited. Keep doing this. Just let yourself go. All of that kind of talk puts you over the top.

George Faller [00:12:28]:

Yeah. And you can use the vibrator while you have an intercourse, like you said, stimulate the G spot. There’s so many creative things we can do when we’re doing it together, as opposed to an isolating event. So let’s give some examples of what we can do with these vibrators when we come back.

Laurie Watson [00:12:48]:

Zach doc, I know if you’re like me, you worry about little problems in your body and just want to figure everything out. And it’s so great to have an app, ZocDoc.com, that you can just check out which doctors are reliable, which doctors have five star ratings, which doctors have availability, and take your insurance, and you can figure that out on this app. If you’re trying to find a cause for your symptom, you don’t want to look at TikTok, you don’t want to look at Facebook. You don’t want to Google it. You need an expert’s care. So please use ZocDoc. ZocDoc is the only free app that lets you find and book doctors who are patient reviewed, take your insurance, and are available when you need them, and treat almost every condition under the sun. So go to ZocDoc.com, slash foreplay, and download the ZocDoc app for free, and then find and book a top rated doctor today. Many are available within 24 hours. And when you need help, that’s important. That’s ZocDoc.com foreplay. ZocDoc.com foreplay. We are doing a couple’s retreat on September eigth, so please keep that in mind in your schedule. For your fall schedule, we want to give you a heads up. We’re only doing one this year because our training schedule is getting crazy, but we would love to invite you to our couples retreat on September eigth. It’s by Zoom, and you can find it on our website forplacextherapy.com.

George Faller [00:14:24]:

All right. Laurie so I think a lot of couples struggle with how to even bring this up, so maybe I will bring it up because I’m the one thinking about it as a guy, introducing it, and then we’ll do it again. Where you want to bring it up. Introducing it.

Laurie Watson [00:14:39]:

Okay, so I’ve never used a vibrator before.

George Faller [00:14:42]:

Never use a vibrator.

Laurie Watson [00:14:43]:

Okay. That’s a stretch. Go ahead.

George Faller [00:14:45]:

All right. We did an episode on this. Do we say it in a critical way, or do we say it in a longing way? I could say to you, I know you don’t like new things, Laurie. And you’re pretty kind of like the routine. And you like a routine, right? So I was thinking we’d spice things up and bust out this lawnmower, whatever the hell we call it, this thing, some electrical gadget. What do you think?

Laurie Watson [00:15:13]:

I think that sounds horrible.

George Faller [00:15:16]:

All right. So, Jane, I was talking to some of the guys on a walk, and shocking as it can be, sex came up, right? And one of them was talking about getting a vibrator with his partner and how much fun it was. Like his wife was more into it. He was more into it. It was like he was describing the best sex he’s ever had. And I was like, I never even thought about that. I was like, you know what? I’m going to run this by chain, see what the heck she thinks about it. Even if we don’t do it, it’d be fun to talk about. What do you take?

Laurie Watson [00:15:51]:

First of all, I can hardly believe you’ve never thought about it. And second of all, I don’t know, it feels kind of weird to me. It’s like I just kind of like it to be you and me. I don’t know, that feels like, I don’t know, dirty or something.

George Faller [00:16:10]:

Yeah, I hear you. Believe it or not, I haven’t thought that much about it because I like me and you, too, and I don’t feel like I need to be distracted with things. But I think as he was talking more, he said he was listening to this podcast called Foreplay and they were talking about most women don’t orgasm during intercourse. I was like, what? I didn’t know. What the hell? And that it’s a lot easier for them to orgasm with clitoral stimulation. And I think that makes sense because that’s why you like oral sex. So that’s kind of what we’ve been doing without even knowing we’re doing it. And if this would help, I think it would be a good thing. If you’re not comfortable with it, that’s totally cool.

Laurie Watson [00:16:55]:

Yeah, I know who it is, too, because she told me she’s using it as I just I feel so weird. Like, where do you get like what if it shows up on my feed and everybody knows I bought Know? The kids know that it’s on our Amazon account. Oh, my know. I don’t know. It just feels kind of embarrassing.

George Faller [00:17:19]:

Well, I could take care of all that and get it discreetly so you wouldn’t have to worry about that. But you are right. I mean, your friend went from zero orgasms to multiple orgasms. That’s pretty cool what this one little thing did for her. So hey, yeah, I get that.

Laurie Watson [00:17:38]:

And I guess it would be good. I guess we could try it. I feel a little anxious about it.

George Faller [00:17:44]:

Well, again, we could just try it. If it doesn’t work, we could put it back at a package and return it.

Laurie Watson [00:17:52]:

Don’t be disgusting.

George Faller [00:17:53]:

Oh, sorry. Well, it’s funny. I’m glad you’re open to it because if you reach on the nightstand, I already bought it. So let’s do it, baby. Sexual pursuer.

Laurie Watson [00:18:05]:

Like a sexual pursuer. He’s already got it.

George Faller [00:18:10]:

All right, let’s switch it around. How about you introduce it? Your girlfriend said something to you.

Laurie Watson [00:18:14]:

Okay. You got to be resistant. Yeah, try to wrap your head around.

George Faller [00:18:19]:

Now I got to bring out the sexual withdrawal in me.

Laurie Watson [00:18:23]:

Yeah, bring out the sexual withdrawal. So, Han, I was talking to Susie the other day and of course we started talking about sex.

George Faller [00:18:36]:

You two talk about sex?

Laurie Watson [00:18:38]:

No, we talk about sex. Anyway, she bought this vibrator and she’s been using it and she doesn’t have very many orgasms. Her partner just not that great in bed. But she brought it into the bedroom and they’ve been using it and she says they use it during sex and sometimes they use it during when they’re warming up. And she said she uses it by herself sometimes, too. And I don’t know, I was just thinking maybe especially during sex if we could use it. And then I’d have an orgasm, too, at the same time. Or close to you. I don’t know. How would you feel about that?

George Faller [00:19:23]:

I think you already identified the problem. Her love is not so good. I think we got something different going on. I don’t think we need that. You usually always orgasm. Maybe a little. Not the same time, but we have great sex. Are you saying it’s not so great you need something else to help? Like it’s not good enough for you?

Laurie Watson [00:19:44]:

Yeah, that is definitely not what I’m saying. You’re great and bad. I was just thinking maybe something that would be fun as something different, some variety.

George Faller [00:19:56]:

But if something’s great, why mess with it?

Laurie Watson [00:19:59]:

Yeah, there’s that. And I can hear that we do have something good, so I could imagine. I know a lot of people. I’ve heard them talk about, oh, the woman’s going to get dependent on that. But, honey, I’m never going to be dependent on a vibrator. I love being with you. That’s the most important thing to me. That’s what feels so good to me. But I was just thinking, and we don’t have to do it as something new, something to try. Maybe when we go on our weekend away, spice it up. Bring other things, scarves or handcuffs or something. Just do something crazy and wild and see what happens.

George Faller [00:20:39]:

You’re not going to try to touch me with it, are you?

Laurie Watson [00:20:44]:

I promise I won’t. If you don’t want me to, I won’t.

George Faller [00:20:48]:

You might tap into a whole nother side of me if you do. Bring it on. Let’s do it. I couldn’t stay in a role anymore.

Laurie Watson [00:20:55]:

I’m sorry. That’s funny.

George Faller [00:21:00]:

Well, I know you talk, but I.

Laurie Watson [00:21:03]:

Felt that wait, let me respond to you for a minute. I felt that like oh, my God. I just told him he wasn’t a good lover. I could hear my language going, that as soon as you responded that way, I’m like, oh, it’s like that is so not the message I wanted to communicate to him. And I think I really kind of lacked a little bit of vulnerability about kind of got excited about this. I thought it might be fun for me to try. I wasn’t quite as vulnerable in that. So suddenly he made it like it was about him and he wasn’t enough. And that is actually a vibrator conversation gone bad, I think.

George Faller [00:21:43]:

Well, it’s likely to happen when you’ve never done this and you don’t know how to do it. And it’s why we do a lot of these role plays for our listeners, because we’re not perfect, we’re not really sure, and it’s something in the practice and the doing that makes us become clearer and we’re hoping as we get clearer, we can help you all get a bit clearer. It’s a tough thing to bring up as a woman to introduce it without it feeling like a threat. A lot of men love it. Most men I work with, they’re so happy their partner brings in a vibrator. They like the spice and the fun of it too, and more orgasms the better. So it’s a victory, but if you haven’t thought about it, it can land as a threat. So we want to learn how to speak to that, how to talk about. This is really about increasing your levels of engagement so you can be more present with your partner. This isn’t something competing and you are very respectful of my concerns and you tried to help with that, so I felt that and I felt myself shifting as the conversation went. But you’ve also talked a lot about, just in general, trying to help couples see the benefit of just not limited their sexual encounter, their intercourse. There’s lots of other things that can be going on that really just increase levels of engagement. To me, we’re in the business of increasing levels of engagement. Whatever we study, people that have high levels of engagement thrive and people that have low levels really suffer and struggle. So if this increases level of engagements, I’m all for it. So talk to our listeners a little bit about that. You were saying with the four hands.

Laurie Watson [00:23:18]:

Yeah, I think sometimes people get anxious. It’s like, if I’m using a vibrator, am I masturbating? And a lot of them have taboos in their heads about masturbation or certain positions. It’s just easier for a woman to touch her own clitoris or a man sometimes. Maybe he’s losing it and he just needs extra stimulation. So touching himself for a little bit helps him get hard again. And I just think when we’re making love, we are one body. That’s what the purpose is. We are one body. And so we have two backs and four hands and whatever is most convenient to use, to touch yourself or to touch your partner. That’s the way it should be. And I got a really strong message when I was a girl, when I was getting married, my minister’s wife said to me, the doctor had said something like you can touch yourself too, and that this would be really good when you’re making love or something. And I told my pastor’s wife this and she said, oh, no, you need to let him do that. You need to let him touch you. I mean, it was this direct message that said that would be a bad thing that you would circumvent becoming good lovers or all of this. And I felt guilty. It was like, oh, I didn’t touch myself for probably years when I was making love because I had this strong message. And then I realized when you’re making love and I was raised in a pretty religious tradition, but one of the good things was that there was this other message that said the marriage bed is undefiled. And that means in the way I took it and I’m not that religious anymore, you all but that whatever you’re doing in bed is good as long as it’s consensual, you are not getting hurt and you both enjoy it. That’s a good thing. It’s like, don’t worry so much. There’s no such thing as masturbation when you’re making love. It’s like, yeah, your hand is touching your body that’s still making love because together you’re one beast.

George Faller [00:25:20]:

I love that one being, yeah, that’s sexy. I work with another couple where both of their values were masturbation is wrong and they had amazing sex. So it’s about whatever you consent and adults want to do in your bedroom. But I love that you’re inviting our listeners to think about a vibrator. Could that be something that increases levels of engagement, right? To have a conversation that protects each other from that? Because there are risks with all these things. And we know great lovers are great communicators. They can talk about themselves and do it in a way that protects their partner. And in the conversation, both people feel more seen and more known and isn’t that the whole damn point?

Laurie Watson [00:26:06]:

It’s the whole damn point, right? Sexual engagement is so sexy. You don’t have to just 1st, 2nd, third home. It’s like you can do all kinds of things in bed that are exciting. And I think people should sometimes I tell people, not very often anymore, but sometimes I say, okay, like no intercourse, just drive yourselves crazy. Or no orgasm. Like bring yourself right to the edge and don’t go over the edge. Do you know how sexy that is to all day long you’ve kind of made love in the morning and you didn’t come. And then all day long you’re thinking about how can I get back in bed because I want to complete that thing. I mean, it can just sort of leave your body on fire. And I think sometimes people got to switch it up, do something different.

George Faller [00:26:53]:

Switch it up, do something different. There’s your homework assignment if you want.

Laurie Watson [00:26:58]:

To do it, if you want to. Vibrate is for everyone.

George Faller [00:27:03]:

Put it in your Christmas stock and see what happens. Or Hanukkah gift way you celebrate. Yes. Thanks for listening, everyone.

Laurie Watson [00:27:12]:

Keep it hot.

George Faller [00:27:14]:

Woo.

Joe Davis – Announcer [00:27:16]:

Call in your questions to the Foreplay Question voicemail dial eight three three my. Foreplay. That’s eight three three my. The number four play and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by Foreplay Media.

Speaker Ads [00:27:39]:

Hi, I’m Sarah May, and I’m the host of your new favorite show, help Me, Be Me. It’s a self help podcast for people who hate self help. Help Me, Be Me is full of practical tools to help you overcome a variety of emotional challenges delivered in a way that’s caring but frank. So if that sounds up your alley, I would invite you to check out Help Me, Be Me on the Iheart app on Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Thanks.