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Joe Davis – Announcer [00:00:32]:
Not suitable for children.

George Faller [00:00:33]:
Let’s bring on the Riz. How does that sound? Laurie? You want a little Riz, baby?

Laurie Watson [00:00:41]:
I want a little riz. We got to talk. What is Riz?

George Faller [00:00:44]:
What is Riz? That’s a good question. A hot word of 2023, Riz. R-I-Z-Z. Sexy word.

Laurie Watson [00:00:54]:
Sexy word.

Laurie Watson [00:00:58]:
Welcome to Foreplay Sex therapy. I’m Dr. Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller [00:01:02]:
And I’m George Faller, your couple’s therapist.

Laurie Watson [00:01:05]:
We are here to talk about sex.

George Faller [00:01:07]:
Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate their body, their mind and their hearts.

Laurie Watson [00:01:15]:
And we have a little bit of fun doing it.

Laurie Watson [00:01:17]:
Right, G?

George Faller [00:01:17]:
Listen, and let’s change some relationships.

Laurie Watson [00:01:21]:
So Riz means that we are good at chatting up and flirting with, like, a partner. And it is a hot word, and I think it’s a hot topic. Right. How do we get good at chatting up and flirting with somebody that we want to turn on? And what does it mean? Some people talk about this, George, and they say that it’s short for charisma.

George Faller [00:01:46]:
Riz?

Laurie Watson [00:01:47]:
Yeah, Riz. Have you got Riz? Do your kids talk about Riz?

George Faller [00:01:52]:
I haven’t heard them, no. But I’m going to drop it at a Christmas party.

Laurie Watson [00:01:59]:
That’s right. Okay. So if you talk about Riz at a Christmas party, you’re going to be, like the coolest person in the room.

George Faller [00:02:07]:
It’s just a little dropping to let everyone know you’re still hip, right?

Laurie Watson [00:02:12]:
That’s right. Absolutely. Do you think you have Riz?

George Faller [00:02:17]:
I think I have Riz.

Laurie Watson [00:02:18]:
Yeah, you got Riz. Absolutely.

George Faller [00:02:23]:
I’ve only heard you bringing it up, but this idea of charisma, this idea of you’re engaging, you’re interesting, right? You have confidence, you feel like you’re in the present moment. I think it’s like a mindfulness state. You’re just kind of in a flow and just kind of doing you. And how do you package that? How do you help people fake it till you make it? I don’t know. Is this something you’re born with. Is this something you could learn to do? This is a new word for me, Riz. So what do you think?

Laurie Watson [00:02:53]:
I do not think people are born with this. I think that this is, like, social. You know, the confidence. You’re absolutely right. Confidence is a hallmark part of being charismatic. It’s like you’re kind of not self conscious. You kind of say what you think, but you say what you think. And it’s something that resonates with the crowd.

Laurie Watson [00:03:14]:
Right. I mean, sometimes people say what they think and it doesn’t hit, doesn’t land. But with charismatic people, it’s like they kind of sense they’re in tune with the crowd. They’re in tune with the person they’re trying to impress, and what they say really lands. And so I think that they have to do that by getting in tune with people.

George Faller [00:03:35]:
Yeah, that’s a great word. Attunement.

Laurie Watson [00:03:37]:
Yeah. You have to get the mood. So I think when you’re trying to be Rizzy and you come up to your partner who’s kind of distracted and you want to seduce them, it’s like if you don’t get that they’re distracted and they’re in a different place and you try your best move, you’re not really using Riz because you’re not in tune with where their mood is. But if you’re at a sexy party and your partner’s had a glass to drink of champagne or something and they’re looking hot and they’re talking with their friends, and you come up and slip your arms around them and whisper something sexy, you’ve probably got some Riz there because you’re in tune with the moment.

George Faller [00:04:17]:
Rizzy. Get your Rizzy on. Twist to the word.

Laurie Watson [00:04:22]:
Well, these are new words. We’re making them up so we can make up more. Riz. Riz.

George Faller [00:04:27]:
I want to highlight what you’re saying. I think super important because I think too often people think it’s an inner state. Right. This confidence, being comfortable in your own skin. And there’s some of that. That’s part of it. But you’re emphasizing there’s also this reading of the room. There’s the timing.

George Faller [00:04:44]:
Like, the person who has Rizzy is taking that into account before they kind of do what they’re going to do. And that’s also super important. This is just not an intrapsychic move. It’s a dance between that person who has charisma and the room that they’re reading and the timing of doing that.

Laurie Watson [00:05:04]:
Right. I mean, how many times have we seen somebody funny who actually we think is obnoxious versus the other person who captures the crowd? They just are funny and they get everybody laughing. That person has riz. And part of it is, yeah, they’re in tune. And when it doesn’t land, they use self depreciation. Oh, I guess that wasn’t funny. And then everybody laughs. Right.

Laurie Watson [00:05:26]:
So that they can actually realign it. And I think another characteristic of charisma is having a clear and compelling vision. So you know where you’re going and you have a passion about it. And I think that sexually, kind of knowing where you want to get to where you’re going and that sort of energy. We’ve talked a lot about how women really respond to that energy from a partner who says wants them in bed. And with that sort of driving energy, they’re going to have to make use of these other aspects. Right. Being in tune, having confidence.

Laurie Watson [00:06:08]:
Also being an exceptional communicator is really a part of charisma. They have to be able to tell a story, to be persuasive. They have to be able to listen actively so that they’re connecting to their partner. If you can’t listen actively or active listening. Right. Which is reflection. All the things we’ve talked about in Rev, which you use reflection validation and little tiny questions to help another person actually express themselves. That’s effective communication.

Laurie Watson [00:06:40]:
So if you want to move somebody into a different direction, you got to kind of validate where they’re at now as you paint the vision to where you want to be.

George Faller [00:06:49]:
Yeah. And if you got Riz, you’re putting out a pretty good vibe. Right. There’s an energy to this ability to read others, be attuned to others, and kind of try to share your vision. I always like, you see somebody with this riz, and then you write down some of their lines and then you tried it. It don’t work the same way. Right. Because it’s more than just the line.

George Faller [00:07:14]:
Right. It’s more than. There’s so much of this other stuff that builds the context that you’re really trying to help us understand.

Laurie Watson [00:07:22]:
Exactly. You have to be authentic to yourself, that charismatic people are authentic, and that sort of says that they’re credible and that they’re trustworthy because they’re expressing who they really are. And so you sense that solid part of them when they’re authentic like that. So you’re right. You can’t just try another line. You have to kind of find your way through to your own line.

George Faller [00:07:47]:
Yeah, we’re always trying to stress the importance of high levels of engagement. So many of us are sleepwalking through our lives and through conversations. People with charisma, they seize the moment. Right? They’re engaging, and it don’t really matter what they’re saying, but there’s something about their presence that pulls people into the conversation.

Laurie Watson [00:08:12]:
Yeah.

George Faller [00:08:13]:
So this is a worthy goal to strive for. Get your rizzy on, baby.

Laurie Watson [00:08:16]:
I, like, know I had a male friend whose wife was definitely a sexual with jar, and I think I asked him, you know, what do you do with all that rejection? He’s like, it’s just a challenge. You could feel his energy about it. He wasn’t blocked. He didn’t take it as rejection. He just like, okay, I just got to find another way. I mean, he really definitely had that compelling vision of where they were going to go and how it was going to connect them and stuff like that.

George Faller [00:08:49]:
Well, it’d be fun to play around with. If you’re a sexual pursuer, how do you get your Rizzi on? Because it’s so easy through the rejections to lose that mojo. Or if you’re the sexual withdrawal, how do you get your Rizzi going? Right? How do you start kind of tapping into that part of yourself that maybe has been a little missing in action?

Laurie Watson [00:09:10]:
Yeah.

Laurie Watson [00:09:10]:
And I think even because women are often so crisscrossed that there may be emotional pursuers, but sexual withdrawals, it doesn’t mean they don’t want sex, but they often want to be desired. And so how do they kind of let it out a little bit so that they are compelling as a desirable object. Right. I mean, I think I remember this same couple that I’m talking about. She said something about her pussy, and he was like, wait, what did you say? Could you repeat that? Could you say that word again? I mean, they kind of had this little dance between the two of them, and she was essentially letting on that while she was often not as up for it, that she actually did have this really sexual part, and she would use it to kind of hook him in and draw him in. And I was like, good move, girl. Good move. You got his attention with that word.

George Faller [00:10:06]:
Well, grabbing the attention is what people with Riz can do, right? They grab people’s attention and they can adjust kind of what they’re communicating depending on what the timing and reading the room. Sometimes during Christmas, something magical happens.

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George Faller [00:10:32]:
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George Faller [00:10:50]:
So how do we learn how to do this? You got to listen out there saying, damn, I got no Riz, man. I got a little game here in this place, but I want to get better at it.

Laurie Watson [00:11:03]:
Right? Yeah. I mean, that’s another way of saying it. And I like it. I got game, but this is it. If you got game, you got Riz.

George Faller [00:11:11]:
Wait, you got the other side of the argument. A lot of people out there thinking, damn, man, I got Riz. I’m one of the lucky people. Meanwhile, they got no Riz. Right? But they think they have Riz. Some people think they don’t have it. They have it. Others think they have it.

George Faller [00:11:24]:
They don’t have it. Who knows? We’re not here to judge, but I think it’s a fun word to play with.

Laurie Watson [00:11:29]:
I know, and I think for me personally, there are times when I have social energy, and I am absolutely the life of the party. It’s like I can feel the room, I can feel the game, and I’ve got them. But I think other times, maybe when I have lower energy, maybe I’ll go to a party or something, and I just want to fade into the background and have an intense conversation with one person. I don’t want to exercise that part of myself, so you don’t always have to do it. But I think with your know, having Riz and being compelling to them, that’s super important in our sexual.

George Faller [00:12:06]:
It’s one of the things that struck me in the conversation we had Stan tatkin on. Just, you know, there’s an intentionality to be present that Riz gives you. Right. It’s not a sleepwalking. It’s so often with our partner, it’s like we’re just going through the motions and waiting to hit that bed so we can watch a show at night. We miss so many opportunities to be engaged. And if you could just kind of think about getting your Riz on, just even seizing it for a moment or two during a day. I mean, it’s such good energy.

Laurie Watson [00:12:38]:
Exactly. Well, let’s come back and talk about how to help people with beginning Riz.

Laurie Watson [00:12:43]:
And then advanced Riz.

George Faller [00:12:49]:
Laurie, how can a woman have a better orgasm?

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Gee, we have just the product for them. It’s called for you awaken arousal oil. It’s the ultimate pregame. So this is like an oil that can get you kind of juicy and turned on. And it does use CBD oil, which is absorbed through the skin and through the vagina is like a really great way to absorb a substance. And this particular one kind of increases your sensitivity and your arousal. And it’s a great way to get aroused too. So basically it turns you on.

Laurie Watson [00:13:26]:
And I think once you turn on, then you’re on. Go.

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Laurie Watson [00:16:54]:
So I’ve thought about maybe, let’s say this is a slightly more introverted person and how do we help somebody sort of begin to get Riz, particularly with their partner?

George Faller [00:17:08]:
I think it’s hard to have a lot of Riz when you got anxiety and you’re being cautious and you’re walking on eggshells and you don’t want to say the wrong thing. You’re not seeing an opportunity, you’re seeing a threat. So I think the first thing we have to kind of ground ourselves to recognize, all right, what’s the worst that could happen? Listen to the fear. Like, I’m going to make a fool of myself. I’m going to have bad timing. My partner is going to reject me. So what? I’ll get another chance. How do we take some of the energy away from the anxiety so we could redirect it into seeing the opportunity to be more present.

George Faller [00:17:45]:
Worse comes to worse, if your partner can’t, the timing is not right. I still think it’s cool to feel that way about yourself, right? To kind of tap into a part of you that says, I got Riz, I got something interested here. I got this little dance that I’m just holding back on you. How do we tap into that fun energy?

Laurie Watson [00:18:05]:
Yeah. So I think in some ways, if you are a beginner with Riz, maybe the goal is to make the other person feel important to, like, I had a girlfriend who. She wasn’t the funniest person in the world, but, man, she would give you her undivided attention. She would stare at you with these big blue eyes and just listen and hang on every word you said. And it was, like, so fun to be with her because you just felt like you were, like, the center of the universe. So I think that eye contact, super important. So many of us, we’re looking at our phones, for God’s sake. We’re looking at the television.

Laurie Watson [00:18:48]:
We’re distracted. When we’re answering our partner, it’s like, look up. Look somebody in the eyes. It is so sexy to make eye contact. I don’t know. Like, George, think about it. Like at a party, when you catch your partner’s eyes and you hold them for just a second longer than would be normal, it’s like you’re exchanging something, right? You’re exchanging energy. When you look them in the eyes, it’s so sexy.

George Faller [00:19:17]:
That’s really big, what you’re saying. I mean, the eyes are the windows to the soul. As a couple’s therapist, it’s what I’m paying attention to all the time. It’s amazing how often people, partners cannot look at each other, cannot maintain. Because that’s anxiety, right? We’re afraid what we might see or it’s just safer to pull away. But, Riz, you’re not pulling away, Riz. You’re going towards an eye contact is a great measurement, even if you don’t know what to say. Can you look at somebody and what’s in your look, I think is important.

George Faller [00:19:55]:
Can you see that curiosity? Can you see that interest? Can you see that empathy, that people’s eyes can be alive or they can just be kind of, like, checked out? But I think, really, I know we do this at some of our retreats. We just have partners look at each other for a minute, and it’s amazing what that eye contact, just for a minute, what gets communicated. Nonverbally. So if you’re listening, please.

Laurie Watson [00:20:23]:
Totally hot a minute.

Laurie Watson [00:20:24]:
Totally hot. What you’re saying. Absolutely. It’s hot to look at your partner for, like, a long period. A minute is a long time, but it’s like, so much is happening emotionally when you’re giving eye contact. I mean, this does come from right when we’re holding our babies, we’re staring at them. You know how babies just stare back without blinking and they could stare at you for hours? It’s like they’re drinking you in. And that’s what we do when we look at our partner.

Laurie Watson [00:20:53]:
We drink each other in, and it feels like we’re being seen in such a wonderful way. Like, our body feels it. I think when we are given eye contact, I think this is the whole problem with zoom, right? Because if you look at the camera, you can’t see the person’s eyes. And if you look at the person, it doesn’t look like they’re looking at you. This is, like, problematic. Our whole culture is on zoom, and none of us are getting eye contact. We’re starving. So this party, man, give your partner.

George Faller [00:21:24]:
And when you try it, it’s probably going to feel uncomfortable. It does, just because we’ve gotten so used to not doing it. But yes, as Laurie says, I mean, every baby is born needing eye contact. Really, that’s where we learn our value and that we’re loved. And when they’re right, when that baby goes, oh, I mean, it’s just something that’s aliveness in the eyes, that it’s just magical. Right? That’s the power of co regulation. And how do we tap back into that? People with Riz make good eye contact.

Laurie Watson [00:21:54]:
They do.

George Faller [00:21:55]:
They went in, they’re looking around. Their energy is trying to pull people in. They want people looking at them, because looking at them is, again, feeding that energy. Energy grows energy. That’s the cool part about when I train, right? If I’m on Zoom, I was like, I have to work so hard, and I’m back in person. It’s like, oh, this is amazing, because you got the crowd, you got people just kind of looking at you and you’re looking at them, and that just builds such good momentum.

Laurie Watson [00:22:24]:
Oh, I agree 100% about teaching people in person. And it’s the same thing in a crowd, right? Or with your partner. When you give them attention and it resounds and it comes back to you, it’s like, boom, your energy starts to grow. Both people, I think one way that is not necessarily being clever, but just asking interested questions. My husband and I, for advent, we’ve been sharing little tiny exchanges. In the morning. We have a little reflection that we read, and then we talk about our feelings about it, and we ask each other a few questions. And sometimes we take 20 minutes, and sometimes it’s like, we got to get to work.

Laurie Watson [00:23:02]:
So we only take five minutes, but it’s been fun and it feels good. When my husband asks a clarifying question, it’s like, oh, he’s interested in my mind, thinks, that’s so cool. That’s so exciting. And we don’t always have to be. Go ahead.

George Faller [00:23:19]:
No, I like too, when you use your partner’s name, there’s something about that that’s also engaging. George, when you’re able to know Laurie, I hear you.

Laurie Watson [00:23:33]:
Are so good. George, my buddy, you are so good at saying my name. You say my name all the time, and I know I don’t say people’s names. In fact, James Hawkins and I were talking about how George always says our names and how good that feels to us. It is. It’s like, very nice. It’s part of your wrist. It’s part of your Riz man eye.

George Faller [00:23:57]:
Contact, using names, showing interest. These are all things that are pulling people into your conversation. It’s not like this person has magical powers. They’re just kind of doing things that are, that’s what attunement made. If you want somebody to show interest or to engage, you’ve got to do your part to do that. Right?

Laurie Watson [00:24:17]:
Right. And I think, you know what? You don’t have to be clever all the time. You can laugh at other people’s cleverness. Be a good audience. Encourage somebody who’s, maybe they don’t hit it right. Maybe they’re a little corny, a little goofy. I mean, people, oh, God, at parties, they’re always telling me sex jokes and sex know, most of them are so dumb, George. But I always know because I know people are.

Laurie Watson [00:24:46]:
They are trying out how to talk about this openly. So I want to encourage that. So I always laugh at their silliness. And I think laughing at other people is a way to have Riz. You’re giving them attention. You’re giving them encouragement.

George Faller [00:25:03]:
Laughter is so important. Play right. There is something about, it’s just easier to engage when you have that lightness. And so many people try too hard. They talk too much. They’re trying to impress too much. That’s not Riz. When you’re not reading how what you’re doing is landing, you can’t notice people looking away looking over your shoulder.

George Faller [00:25:26]:
Who else can they talk to? People with Riz are picking up that vibe. Right? They get a shift.

Laurie Watson [00:25:33]:
Yeah, exactly.

George Faller [00:25:35]:
But when we talk sexually, how do you get your, if you’re a sexual pursuer who wants to kind of be playful, but you’ve been shot down so many times, how do you tap back into that?

Laurie Watson [00:25:47]:
Riz, are we going to do a whole new episode? No, I think it’s really hard. Right. Thank you for the laugh. It’s really hard. I think this is a tentative exploration, again, like, give the eye contact, ask the questions, laugh at your partner. Stay attuned to their mood and their moment. It’s like if you are complaining and saying, we never have sex right? Before you go out to a party, bad timing. Go out to the party, have some fun.

Laurie Watson [00:26:20]:
Engage with your partner. Make them feel special. Like worst thing in the world at a holiday party is to just ignore your partner and go talk to everybody else. It’s like, no, you got to pat them on the butt and look at them across the room and have those little special moments and drop a compliment to their best friend who it gets back to your partner about, that’s so sexy. There’s so many opportunities coming up at the holidays that you can demonstrate that well.

George Faller [00:26:47]:
So many partners take for granted the relationship, and they don’t put the work in and they just expect the engagement. Right. When they were dating, they were putting a lot more effort in. And I think a lot of sexual pursuers, they use humor to kind of not feel the hurt of rejection. So, hey, what do you think tonight? Will you get a little lucky? And they say it in a joke, but that’s not the same, Riz. Right. They’re trying to be like, but if you were going on a date with somebody, would you try that?

Laurie Watson [00:27:17]:
No.

George Faller [00:27:18]:
What would be different? If you were on a date, you would invest very differently to get that person to engage. So how do we tap back into that energy that says, I need to do more to kind of pull this person in to want this with me? It’s not just like they should just do it because I’m in a mood for it. It’s like.

Laurie Watson [00:27:38]:
Exactly.

George Faller [00:27:39]:
Yeah.

Laurie Watson [00:27:40]:
I asked a guy who was a sexual pursuer and his wife was a sexual withdrawal, and I’m like, when you were young or whatever, could you pick up a woman in a bar? Could you get her to want you? He’s like, absolutely. I’m like, how’d you do that? Do you still do that? Do you still do any of those moves. He’s like, no. I’m like, but you know how to do it. And I think some of it is they listen for innuendo. They hear. It’s like, to me, innuendo is the sexiest thing. I think I was very schooled as a christian woman not to hear innuendo.

Laurie Watson [00:28:17]:
And once I gave myself permission, it’s like the whole world turned on for me. I hear innuendo in every single conversation that I’m in ever. And most of it is just like, I just have to hold back. It’s inappropriate for me to respond to it, so I don’t. And it’s so stifling. I think men have a little more opportunity with their guy friends to play on that innuendo, and women friends don’t do that with each other, and you don’t want to do it with a guy that’s not your husband. So you’re just stifled. You hear it.

Laurie Watson [00:28:51]:
But I think hearing innuendo and being able to make something funny about that is a really advanced Riz move as a sexual pursuer.

George Faller [00:29:02]:
Bring it on. Tap into that riz. Tap into it. It’s there. That’s the good news we all have. It’s about being more intentional. I know after this little podcast, I’m going to try to get my Riz on. I like the word.

George Faller [00:29:18]:
Let’s get Rizzy, baby.

Laurie Watson [00:29:19]:
You’re going to be so rizzy this Christmas.

George Faller [00:29:22]:
Okay, well, thanks for listening and keep your Riz on.

Laurie Watson [00:29:27]:
Okay, so tell us about your cutting.

Laurie Watson [00:29:31]:
Edge training that you’re doing on success and vulnerability.

George Faller [00:29:33]:
Laurie.

George Faller [00:29:34]:
We just keep pushing it. Coming up with a new module on the playbook of a pursuer. Playbook of a witcher. Really practical, moment by moment moves of what a therapist can use. We’re so focused on what’s happening in session enough. There’s talk about theories and these global things I think most therapists are looking for. What do I do in this moment? Give me a tool, George. So that’s what we’re trying to do.

Laurie Watson [00:29:59]:
That’s awesome. I am so glad you guys are doing this work. I think it helps us be organized to see you do it. You do demos, you do explanations, teaching. It really is interactive, and I think that so many trainings that we sit through don’t give us an opportunity for that. So what you’re doing is really important.

George Faller [00:30:19]:
No, we try to emphasize the teach it, show it, do it model of learning. You need to have some ideas, so we try to teach those, and then we try to show what it looks like implementing those ideas. But most importantly, you now got to practice it. That’s how they become yours, and that’s what we want our listeners and watchers to do and become their own moves.

Laurie Watson [00:30:37]:
Find George and his [email protected] call in.

Joe Davis – Announcer [00:30:43]:
Your questions to the foreplay question voicemail, dial eight three three my foreplay. That’s eight three three my the number four play, and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by foreplay media.

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