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Laurie Watson [00:01:04]:
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Laurie Watson [00:01:24]:
Children, so pick six, George. The cowboys broke a record. Were you happy?

George Faller [00:01:33]:
I’m very happy.

George Faller [00:01:34]:
Very happy.

Laurie Watson [00:01:36]:
You’re such a cowboy fan.

George Faller [00:01:38]:
How does this New Yorker. A cowboy fan?

Laurie Watson [00:01:41]:
I know. How is that? You’re going to have to tell us that story, but we’re going to figure out what a pick six looks like in our relationships. Okay?

George Faller [00:01:49]:
Bring it on, baby.

Laurie Watson [00:01:52]:
Welcome to foreplay sex therapy. I’m Dr. Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

Laurie Watson [00:01:57]:
And I’m George Faller, your couple’s therapist.

Laurie Watson [00:01:59]:
We are here to talk about sex.

Laurie Watson [00:02:01]:
Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate their body, their mind, and their hearts.

Laurie Watson [00:02:09]:
And we have a little bit of fun doing it. Right, G?

George Faller [00:02:12]:
Listen, and let’s change some relationships.

Laurie Watson [00:02:15]:
Okay, buddy? How in the world does a New Yorker become a Dallas fan?

George Faller [00:02:20]:
It’s easy when you’re a little kid and you grow up playing pop on a football at five years old, and the team you’re on is the Cowboys, even though you’re in New York. This was back when Roger, Starbuck and all those guys were playing America’s team and I got hooked. I’ve been with them ever since. And it’s not so easy going to firehouses in the heart of New York country, Philly country, where they’ve got some diehard fans, if you don’t know, be the Cowboys fan.

Laurie Watson [00:02:45]:
Yeah. So did your father watch football, too? Was he a big football fan?

George Faller [00:02:52]:
Yeah, he was a fair weather fan. I like to call him whoever was good. That’s who he liked.

Laurie Watson [00:02:58]:
I do have my favorites, but sometimes when I’m watching a game that my favorite is not playing, I always ask my husband, so who are we rooting for?

George Faller [00:03:07]:
You just like the entertainment. It’s not that important. My family don’t want to watch games with me. I get too intense. I got to learn to mellow as I get older.

Laurie Watson [00:03:17]:
I know. I thought what was funny was we were watching the Cowboys and they were doing well. This was a couple of games back, and I’m going to, I’m going to text, you know, look at those cowboys. So he texts you something like, look at the Cowboys. And you text back this kind of complicated strategy comment. And my husband is like, wow, look at those cowboys.

George Faller [00:03:42]:
Again. I’ve coached my sons. My brain thinks strategically. It’s not so simple. I always wish I could have a simpler time. And I don’t want any hate mail from people who hate the know. Mr. Bland, my quarterback.

George Faller [00:03:55]:
Mr.

Laurie Watson [00:03:55]:
Bland? Yes. Okay. Explain what a pick six is and what Bland did and why it’s so great.

George Faller [00:04:03]:
Well, first of all, he’s subbing for Diggs, who’s a fantastic player, all pro player. He went down. Everyone’s like, all their seasons done and this guy comes out of nowhere to step in and he just set the record. Never in the history of NFL have people had that many interceptions that they return into a touchdown. So it’s such a huge momentum play. The other teams going in, right. They’re going to score seven points if you don’t stop them. And not only do you stop them from getting seven, but you get seven yourself.

George Faller [00:04:34]:
It’s like a double whip. It totally changes the momentum of the game.

Laurie Watson [00:04:38]:
Yeah. So if you get seven points, why is it called pick six?

George Faller [00:04:42]:
Well, you get six points and you got to kick the extra point.

Laurie Watson [00:04:45]:
Right. Okay. I actually knew that for the record, but I just wanted all our non football fans six.

George Faller [00:04:53]:
It kind of rhymes. Pick seven doesn’t have the same little.

Laurie Watson [00:04:57]:
But pick six, it’s like you pick up the ball that’s been fumbled and you run for the touchdown and he ran, what, 63 yards? Holy Toledo, he’s amazing. Yeah, I saw the play, actually.

George Faller [00:05:10]:
But I love that you have some idea to turn this into sacks. So.

Laurie Watson [00:05:16]:
Okay.

George Faller [00:05:18]:
Is that a new position?

Laurie Watson [00:05:21]:
I’m thinking about how when we think we’re doing okay. And we fumble the ball, and then how do we turn the fumble into something that is a huge win, right? How do we change directions when we’re going one direction and we’re going to lose, but we actually pick it up and turn it around, and it’s a big win. And so I was thinking about. Okay, you explain it.

George Faller [00:05:47]:
No, I want to just highlight the opportunity because I always let couples know this. Like, you are both a split second away from turning this around. If you’re willing to kind of look for new opportunities. It’s hard to do with a yellow brain, and you’re getting defensive and you’re getting tunnel vision, and it’s like taking you down the negative cycle. And it’s like, we know this ability to repair is the crucial factor for couples, right? And yet it’s hard to do when your brains are in these defensive places. But just like when you’re calm. Now, listen. And just to think about these things, these ideas are always floating out there, right, in the universe, there are things that could really turn this around, right?

Laurie Watson [00:06:23]:
Exactly. So I was thinking maybe we figure out five ways or five typical ways that we’re about to fumble the ball, especially as we’re in the holidays right now. And just how do we turn it around? So let’s just imagine a husband is approaching a wife, and she’s like, I’m busy. Maybe it’s the wrong time for her. And she kind of turns around and says to him, can’t you see how busy I am? And then immediately, what?

George Faller [00:06:55]:
I want to finish reading this book.

Laurie Watson [00:06:57]:
I want to finish reading this book. Or how about, I got a million things to do before Christmas. That’s why. Yeah. And then she sees the look of disappointment or the frustration in her partner. How can she pick six when she’s like, that wasn’t really what she intended. She was busy, but she didn’t intend her partner. And she’s not necessarily against sex.

George Faller [00:07:22]:
I’m eagerly awaiting your answer to this.

Laurie Watson [00:07:25]:
Okay, so let’s just say a wife has told her partner, maybe given a short answer, like, can’t you see how busy I am? And he walks away frustrated. And she realizes, oh, I do not want to go into the cycle. And I really did. It just wasn’t the right time. So maybe she could say something like, look at. Hey, can I have a pick six? Basically asking for a do over, right? Can I have a pick six? I know, I just fumbled it. What I really meant was, I’m just not interested right now. But look, it let’s get this all done and tonight we’ll go out to dinner and have some downtime and then I’m all yours.

George Faller [00:08:10]:
I like it. I have an image of closing a book, throwing it across the room and saying, let’s do it, baby.

Laurie Watson [00:08:17]:
Okay, now that’s a score, right? That’s a score.

George Faller [00:08:22]:
You want to shock the other person’s brain to kind of recognize that what you’re anticipating is going to happen doesn’t necessarily have to happen.

Laurie Watson [00:08:30]:
Yeah, I like it. Okay, I’m going to do one. That is typical, I think. Let’s say, can we flip it, though?

George Faller [00:08:38]:
Can we flip it? Can we flip it where I am now walking away? Say you say no or it’s not the right time. And now I’m going to walk away frustrated.

Laurie Watson [00:08:50]:
How can you pick sex?

George Faller [00:08:51]:
How can I pick sex?

Laurie Watson [00:08:53]:
Okay, what do you think?

George Faller [00:08:56]:
Well, maybe I could say something like, you know what? I’m going to take this passion that I have for wanting to have sex and I’m going to invest it in what you want to do right now. So you want to do all these kind of hanging of ornaments? Let’s do it, baby. Let’s get a glass of wine and hang those ornaments to throw myself in the direction of where you want to go instead of fighting it, right?

Laurie Watson [00:09:21]:
I like it. I totally like it.

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George Faller [00:10:27]:
A softening?

Laurie Watson [00:10:28]:
Yeah, absolutely.

George Faller [00:10:31]:
And it’s a nice imagery. Can you think in your brain? Pick six. I don’t have to go down this road of being defensive and miserable and taking a whole family down with it. I can just turn it around and head in the other direction.

Laurie Watson [00:10:44]:
Exactly. Okay, let’s say she’s all dressed up. It’s a holiday party, and she has now spent an hour primping. And he’s a little impatient because they’re going to be late. And she comes down and says, how do I look? And he says, you look nice. How do you think that lands in her brain after an hour of primping, trying to look nice for him? Okay, so she could be all disappointed and let down. She could say, thanks a lot, buddy, and the night could be off to the races, right?

George Faller [00:11:24]:
So who’s doing a pick six on this one?

Laurie Watson [00:11:27]:
I think the husband needs to do the pick six first because he can see that she’s deflated.

George Faller [00:11:33]:
Well, again, that would be easy if you’re on top of your game to just say, hey, hon, you know me. I get stressed with being late, and I’m sorry. I was focused on that. But damn, you look good. I mean, we don’t even need to go to this party. We should just party right now. I mean, how. I’m the luckiest man alive.

George Faller [00:11:48]:
How did I get so damn lucky? You look fabulous.

Laurie Watson [00:11:52]:
Right? I think that would work for sure. Okay, what if she’s the one who. He’s still stressed out. He says this, and she says, hey, look it. I know we’re late. You want to be even later? That might be good, right?

George Faller [00:12:12]:
I think it might fall over on that one. I might twist his brain up to be, like, late. I don’t want to be late. But wait. I don’t turn out sex. This is, like, a dilemma that I might freeze on. I would not see that coming.

Laurie Watson [00:12:26]:
Might be good.

George Faller [00:12:28]:
That would be the best way to train me not to want to be late. What a brilliant pick six, Laurie.

Laurie Watson [00:12:36]:
I love it. Okay, how about. Let’s get one more in here. How about when your partner asks you to do something? Maybe not sexually. Maybe it’s just a chore. Would you pick up 16 items at the grocery store for me? I forgot it while I’m making dinner. Could you go out and get all that?

George Faller [00:12:58]:
And the partner is like, seriously, you know what? I got to get done.

Laurie Watson [00:13:02]:
Exactly. So how do we pick six? So you say that, and I could think, how do I change the day? You’re right. I wasn’t thinking about all the things you got to get done. Let’s call grubhub or get it delivered or. I got my mother coming over. She said she’d help me do anything I can call her and have her pick it all up. So that’s kind of solution. That’s not necessarily a relationship thing.

George Faller [00:13:33]:
Well, it’s a shift in energy. That’s what I’m seeing in the opportunity here. If the negative energy is like, I ain’t got time, I’m rejecting you. I’m frustrated, too. I’m defensive. It’s a shift towards positive that can get excited. Like, you know what? I can do these things. I could be on your team.

George Faller [00:13:51]:
I could take something off your plate. I can feel good about my contribution. You’re so important to me. I want to make you feel better. Like, there’s that opportunity here that most of us are missing in those moments because we get caught up in our own selfish, kind of. Kind of just framework, which is normal and natural. Right. But again, that shift in energy, that can say, wait a second, I can be excited here.

George Faller [00:14:14]:
I don’t have to go down the negative road.

Laurie Watson [00:14:17]:
Good. I mean, the energy is already shifting as you talk about it.

George Faller [00:14:21]:
And that’s what if you see the pick six in football, it’s like there’s so much stress that the other team’s offense might be moving a ball. And all of a sudden, when the defense not only stops them, but runs the other way for a touchdown, there’s like this huge celebration. It’s like, can you look in the world? Do you see what I just did? Who thought this was going to happen? And then the whole defense comes and runs and they have this party. It’s that idea of positive aspect, like kind of, how do we celebrate, baby?

Laurie Watson [00:14:51]:
Okay, so you are the one who’s asked, let’s pretend that. And you’re all stressed out and you give a defensive answer and then you think about it. How could you turn it around?

George Faller [00:15:05]:
Yeah, it’s that shift.

Laurie Watson [00:15:08]:
I got lots of ideas for you.

George Faller [00:15:11]:
I should roll them.

Laurie Watson [00:15:14]:
I think if you go, wait, you are the mastermind of this party. I know that I got a lot to get done, but I love how you plan parties. I love the way they turn out. If this is what is the priority, we can do it. I’ll do it. I’ll do that first. Is that what you want me to do first? Just to me, like, getting in the spirit of it, because oftentimes in this situation, right. She is the one planning the party.

Laurie Watson [00:15:46]:
She kind of knows the order of how things need to go.

George Faller [00:15:49]:
Yeah, I like it first. It’s also not only saying, I want to do this now, but I’m available for other things. Like, it’s such a patient, open ended statement.

Laurie Watson [00:16:02]:
Yeah, I like that.

George Faller [00:16:04]:
Well, you always got the smile on your face. Laurie, I’m going to make Derek listen to this. Aren’t you?

Laurie Watson [00:16:11]:
I am, actually. He is very amenable to errands and stuff like that. He’s awesome about this.

George Faller [00:16:19]:
Yeah.

Laurie Watson [00:16:20]:
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Laurie Watson [00:17:55]:
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Laurie Watson [00:18:18]:
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George Faller [00:18:38]:
Well, I think maybe we can go back into the bedroom where you’re maybe fooling around and your partner tries to do something a little bit different that you’re not so interested in, right so, hey, can you switch positions here?

Laurie Watson [00:18:54]:
And then you get back from the partner? Just like, you know I didn’t want to do that. Right. I feel like you’re taking advantage of this, like, my vulnerability here. Just asking right now, why would you ask right now? That could kill this session. That could kill the time.

George Faller [00:19:19]:
I think that it’s okay if somebody’s asked you something that doesn’t feel safe. Of course you should say no to that, right?

Laurie Watson [00:19:25]:
Yeah, but absolutely.

George Faller [00:19:27]:
That doesn’t mean saying no has to lead to this other process. You can say no and still say, but I love that you’re trying to mix it up, baby. So how about we try this instead? Right? Or what else? Kind of interesting. Maybe we should get out of this bed altogether and go into the closet and try something in there. I mean, if you’re going to say no, you got to have an idea of something new that’s going to be fun, that captures the energy of what your partner is trying to do.

Laurie Watson [00:19:55]:
Right?

George Faller [00:19:57]:
Yes to the energy.

Laurie Watson [00:19:59]:
Yes. That’s the pick six. Right? That’s the touchdown that’s going for it. Rather than just the turnaround, it’s actually the touchdown. When you take the energy and you suggest something else, that’s a huge win.

George Faller [00:20:13]:
Yeah. And as we’re role playing this, I’m like, damn. This is not just a huge win for the person who’s kind of getting a different experience. It’s a huge win for you to not have to go down the negative road. Both people win from this. Pick six.

Laurie Watson [00:20:30]:
Yes, exactly. Okay, so let’s say that I was asking for something that is really not an unsafe thing. It’s just a different thing. And now I got to be the one who turns it around and says, when my partner is a dead no or a stop, how do I save the day? You know what? Wrong move.

George Faller [00:20:54]:
Wrong move.

Laurie Watson [00:20:55]:
I’m so sorry. Let’s do the exposition that they love, and let’s keep going. I got carried away in my head because you’re so beautiful and you were so exciting, and I wanted to go for it. But you know what? Let’s not. Let’s go back. Let’s have a do over. Let’s go back. Do you think that would work?

George Faller [00:21:20]:
It could. It’s an attempt, right? It’s an attempt at repairing. I still feel like that I rejected you and saying, no, there’s not something else. That gets me kind of excited.

Laurie Watson [00:21:36]:
Right.

George Faller [00:21:36]:
And maybe that’s the opportunity to put it on me and say, hey, I get that. That’s cool. Anything that you’d want to do to mix it up or maybe that puts pressure on the other person. I’m not really sure what the person who’s getting rejected can do differently, because with all these things we play around with, we don’t have all the answers. We just try to get people to think about this and play with it.

Laurie Watson [00:22:03]:
Yeah. I think that sometimes during arousal, our brain short circuits and we forget sometimes what we know about our partner. And I hear this a lot. I’ve told them how to touch me. I’ve told them what I like. I’ve told them what I don’t like. Why wouldn’t we, in the middle of it? Would they ever suggest this? Or would they ever do that? Or would they forget to do this? And I really do think sometimes in that aroused state, it’s like we’re just so immersed in our bodies where we’re not thinking as much as we need to be thinking. Right.

Laurie Watson [00:22:35]:
I think that the thinking again, like, oh, my gosh. Or a sense of humor, I will say that’s Derek’s saving grace, is he’s funny, and oftentimes says something funny to me that saves the day. So maybe it’s like, let’s see, I’m not as funny as my husband. I got to think of something funny to my. That was my lizard brain. That was my lizard brain. I’m coming back into being human again. Let’s switch it up and do this.

Laurie Watson [00:23:10]:
I really want to make you happy. And my lizard brain just took over for a minute, and I don’t want to do that thing anymore at all because it’s going to shut us down. Let’s do this thing. All right, so you kind of save the day.

George Faller [00:23:26]:
Exactly.

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George Faller [00:24:22]:
I like to use the image of a soldier. A lot of clients will use the same imagery to just recognize that protective part that’s starting to emerge. That’s just trying to do good things, but it’s going to really totally change the direction of the time together. Do you actually need that soldier? Or can you say, can you stand down? Can you just take a seat for a second? I get that your partner asking you to do something you don’t want to do is a threat, right? So that soldier comes up and says, hey, I don’t like that. Why do you got to bring that up, right? And do we actually need that soldier, or can we do that own internal work to say, thank you, buddy, thanks for protecting me, but I want to actually have some fun right now. So step. Sit down, and if it continues to go bad, please come back in. But I think making that choice to take the defensive part of you and sit it down makes the space for this shift towards the good energy that says, and what’s the opposite of the soldier? This more playful, kind of fun side of you, actually, you want that side to come up, right? And that’s all we’re trying to play with here is that opportunity in these misses to actually shock your partner and shock yourself with something extraordinary cool.

Laurie Watson [00:25:35]:
I like it. I think that understanding is helpful because you’re talking about, you’re using a metaphor, the soldier, as the protective part that may or may not be useful in this particular situation. And there’s other parts that we have access to as adults that are not necessarily just the survival mechanisms that we learned maybe earlier in our lives. So maybe there are other parts that are playful, that are funny, that we can access, that maybe are even open, that we might be able to access in the moment instead of the protective soldier.

George Faller [00:26:10]:
Yeah, I have the image of vacation George. I want vacation George to show up who don’t have a lot to do, who’s relaxed, who’s had a nice workout, had a nap. I mean, it just wants to dance, have a drink. That’s who I want to show up in this place. I don’t need the Navy Seal. Can vacation George show up? Right? And being able to kind of make that choice, I love it.

Laurie Watson [00:26:31]:
I love that. And I actually know vacation George. I love vacation George, too. That’s great.

George Faller [00:26:38]:
He needs to come out more, that’s for damn sure.

Laurie Watson [00:26:40]:
Yeah. Well, you’re about to go on vacation.

George Faller [00:26:43]:
You’re working too much. This is getting too hard. You got to do something right, because it is hard when we’re overworked, when we’re running out of gas. It’s so easy for the soldier to just be on duty. Twenty four seven. And then we lose access to these freer parts, these more playful, joyful parts. And it’s just a good reminder that you can always access them if you make a choice. If you just sleepwalk through the day, chances are the soldier is going to kind of run the whole day for you.

George Faller [00:27:09]:
Right? Or you can say, and I get the soldier on limited capacity. You got to be efficient with what energy you have, but that’s hard for the people around you.

Laurie Watson [00:27:19]:
Yeah, I think that that is a good lesson. I’m hearing you’re learning for yourself, too. Working too much. How do I shift? How do I shift? And you’re going on vacation. Yay. Some work, some vacation. Yeah. So happy for you guys.

Laurie Watson [00:27:37]:
That’ll be good for you. Okay.

George Faller [00:27:40]:
Enjoy the process. Right? The journey. Don’t have to get so focused on the outcome that we don’t enjoy the journey. So all you listen, and at any moment when you find yourself getting pulled into the negative cycle, either person could say, not only I don’t want to do this, but what can you do differently? That’s a pick six for the other person. That shows them a very different energy. It doesn’t mean they’re always going to respond, but it gives you the best chance of going down a very different road.

Laurie Watson [00:28:09]:
Right. That is the goal, is especially when we’re trying to break the cycle and we know our patterns. I mean, these are all so typical. And if we can think ahead, I especially think that sometimes we’re blindsided. But if we already know our partner always does this and says this and pushes me in this way or doesn’t respond to me in that way, it’s like we can think ahead. What am I going to do the next time that happens? How can I pick six? How can I turn it around? Yeah.

George Faller [00:28:37]:
Blindsided. You’re just bringing. You’re speaking my love language. All these football analogies, Lori. You can get the sack, you can make the tackle.

Laurie Watson [00:28:47]:
You can run for exactly.

George Faller [00:28:50]:
Who don’t want a celebration dance? I mean, is that not fun, love when you’re both in the end zone dancing and kind of.

Laurie Watson [00:28:58]:
We did it. We did it. We turned it around. Yeah. We were going to lose. We were going to lose, and now we’re winning.

George Faller [00:29:07]:
So listen, as you got homework, just try one of these pick sixes. Life’s going to throw you something today that your brain could easily take in defensive ways. And can you just stop yourself and say, you know what? Let’s try this wacky thing let’s do a pick six and see what happens.

Laurie Watson [00:29:25]:
Yeah, just imagine the one that usually happens and figure it out. Figure out a different move. Okay. Thanks for listening.

George Faller [00:29:35]:
Keep it hot, y’all.

Laurie Watson [00:29:37]:
Okay, so tell us about your cutting edge training that you’re doing on success and vulnerability, Laurie.

Laurie Watson [00:29:43]:
We just keep pushing it. Coming up with a new module on the playbook of a pursuer, playbook of a witch, or really practical moment by moment moves of what a therapist can use. We’re so focused on what’s happening in session enough. There’s talk about theories and these global things I think most therapists are looking for. What do I do in this moment? Give me a tool, George. So that’s what we’re trying to do.

Laurie Watson [00:30:09]:
That’s awesome. I am so glad you guys are doing this work. I think it helps us be organized to see you do it. You do demos, you do explanations, teaching. It really is interactive, and I think that so many trainings that we sit through don’t give us an opportunity for that. So what you’re doing is really important.

Laurie Watson [00:30:28]:
No. We try to emphasize to teach it, show it, do it model of learning. You need to have some ideas, so we try to teach those, and then we try to show what it looks like implementing those ideas. But most importantly, you now got to practice it. That’s how they become yours, and that’s what we want our listeners and watchers to do and become their own moves.

Laurie Watson [00:30:47]:
Find George and his teaching at success and vulnerability.

Joe Davis – Announcer [00:30:52]:
Call in your questions to the foreplay question. Voicemail, dial eight three three my. Foreplay. That’s eight three three my. The number four play. And we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by foreplay media.