Speaker Ads [00:00:00]:
You seeking the truth? Never gets old. Introducing June’s journey, the free to play mobile game that will immerse you in a thrilling murder mystery. Join June Parker as she uncovers hidden objects and clues to solve her sister’s death in a beautifully illustrated world. Set in the roaring twenty s, with new chapters added every week, the excitement never ends. Download June’s journey now on your Android or iOS device or play on PC through Facebook games.

Joe Davis – Announcer [00:00:30]:
The following content is not suitable for.

Laurie Watson [00:00:32]:
Children okay, G Dog, we got A-Q-A and this guy’s going to talk. Know his wife doesn’t want to get blowjobs, and I want to help him and I want to help her. And then I really think we should also talk to men who don’t want to go down on her.

George Faller [00:00:50]:
All right, are you ready for this? Yeah, I can get my pen out and make sure I get some notes here.

Laurie Watson [00:00:58]:
Welcome to foreplay sex therapy. I’m Dr. Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller [00:01:03]:
And I’m George Faller, your couples therapist.

Laurie Watson [00:01:06]:
We are here to talk about sex.

George Faller [00:01:08]:
Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate their body, their mind, and their hearts.

Laurie Watson [00:01:16]:
And we have a little bit of fun doing it.

George Faller [00:01:17]:
Right, G. Listen and let’s change some relationships.

Laurie Watson [00:01:21]:
This is the last chance you all to sign up for our class. Unleash the power of sex and eft for therapists. We are doing this on January 19 and 20th.

George Faller [00:01:30]:
Come on, therapists. This is the front line. This is how we help couples in the area they need it most, and most of us don’t have the training we need. So every one of these trainings, we learn so much more. It feels like we’re pushing this model of sex and emotions and attachment in a direction of more safety and security.

Laurie Watson [00:01:49]:
Yeah. And we want to help you feel proficient, feel at ease talking about it. We’re going to go through anatomy and physiology, kind of talk about the basis for talking about the sexual cycle, how you do it, when you do it, going through EfT stages one and two, it’s going to be exciting, and it’s going to be online, so you don’t have to travel to do it. This is our Winter class.

George Faller [00:02:12]:
Be there, be square, people.

Laurie Watson [00:02:14]:
January 19 and 20th, sign up on fourplacextherapy.com.

George Faller [00:02:18]:
No, I think this is, again, people have good reasons. They don’t want to do things, but then they lose a tool. That’s pretty important. Right. And we don’t even know why. I think that’s half of the battle. We just know. I don’t like doing it.

George Faller [00:02:32]:
And we don’t even talk about why. There’s no exploration.

Laurie Watson [00:02:35]:
Yeah. And if we don’t talk about why and what’s actually happening for us, then there’s no solution. Maybe. I think a lot of people can work through these issues and then their sexual repertoire can grow.

George Faller [00:02:47]:
So can we start with that? It’s okay to say no, you don’t want to do something, but if you say no, you got to be open to explore why you can’t say no and just not talk about it.

Laurie Watson [00:02:57]:
Right.

George Faller [00:02:59]:
Then that’s a deal break. Right. There’s no way of you’re ever going to make progress on that topic.

Laurie Watson [00:03:03]:
Right. And this guy who wrote in, he’s actually a longtime listener and he was really hurt. He didn’t get the blowjob he was expecting. I think it was his birthday or something, maybe it was Christmas and didn’t know why. He could feel the avoidance. And finally he asks his partner about it and she sends this kind of really rejecting thing. I don’t like you in my mouth. When your penis is very central to your being and your partner rejects that.

George Faller [00:03:36]:
And has its own name and not take that personal.

Laurie Watson [00:03:43]:
The little guy has his own personality.

George Faller [00:03:46]:
Little guy, a big guy. It’s probably called big Petey. Not little Petey, but whatever works for you, Laurie.

Laurie Watson [00:03:53]:
Okay. We’re having fun, and this was not fun for this couple.

George Faller [00:03:57]:
No, we have to have fun because we’re too serious around these conversations. It is a big problem and it hurts. He’s being rejected. There’s no way around that. But we got to figure out what’s going on, what makes her not want to please him and make him get more enjoyment out of sex and for her to get more enjoyment out of it. There are plenty of people giving blowjobs who love giving blowjobs. Right?

Laurie Watson [00:04:20]:
That’s right.

George Faller [00:04:20]:
What’s stopping that natural process from happening?

Laurie Watson [00:04:23]:
Yeah, I think that, first of all, it was really brave of him to ask what is happening here? Like, instead of just feeling withdrawn and not saying anything about the clear absence of what he had expected, he brings it up. And that’s pretty darn brave.

George Faller [00:04:42]:
It is. And it’s also, though, Laurie, it is also brave for her to say no.

Laurie Watson [00:04:46]:
It is.

George Faller [00:04:47]:
If she’s going to do something that repulses her and makes it worse, that’s going to train her body not to want to have sex. So she’s putting up a boundary here saying, I don’t like this, which is healthy. We just need to know what’s stopping it?

Laurie Watson [00:04:58]:
Yeah. And I do think it’s brave of her, and I think that it shut them down and they couldn’t really go any further, couldn’t repair it. And I think if for some people, oral sex is kind of everything in their sexual life. And it’s like if I’m with a partner who doesn’t want to do that, and maybe they did do it before when we were early together or something, but suddenly that’s not going to be happening. That could be bad news.

George Faller [00:05:27]:
Bad news?

Laurie Watson [00:05:28]:
Yeah. It could feel like the relationship is over, especially if I’ve committed to monogamy.

George Faller [00:05:34]:
It’s like, okay, the rest of my life without a blow job. I can’t imagine it.

Laurie Watson [00:05:38]:
Yeah, I know lots of people who have not had blowjobs just, woof. Tough. Really tough.

George Faller [00:05:44]:
Well, again, my first question is, what is it that you don’t like? Is it too big? You can’t breathe? Is it smelled your hair stuck in your teeth? What is it about the process that she. Does it feel dirty? Does she feel ashamed?

Laurie Watson [00:06:01]:
Does it feel denigrating?

George Faller [00:06:03]:
Did she used to like it at one point and now doesn’t like it? What has changed, exactly? I had my friend who tells this story, he’s like, when I was dating before my wife, she was like, super into it. She would make love to my penis. She would play with my balls. It was a spiritual experience for him. Now after all these years of marriage, she’s like a deer in headlights. She just like, halts it and kisses every once in a while. She’s looking for the kids. Maybe they’re going to knock on a door or something.

George Faller [00:06:36]:
And she’s like, not into it at all. And he’s like, what the hell changed here? Maybe it’s just those environmental things. It’s the kids. It’s the stress. What has changed that somebody was so into it is now like, smacking it on a cheek. But that’s about all she’s doing.

Laurie Watson [00:06:54]:
But at least he has a sense of humor.

George Faller [00:06:56]:
He does.

Laurie Watson [00:06:57]:
It sounds like he kind of stays green brain about this whole thing.

George Faller [00:07:01]:
He’s trying. Right? And again, she can hear it and joke with it, too. And they’re still having a conversation. I don’t worry about couples who are having a conversation. I’m worrying about the couples who are not talking about.

Laurie Watson [00:07:13]:
Yeah, and we’re worried about this. But maybe we could go through a little bit about how to get through all those things you just said. Like, maybe it is too big. I know a lot of women hold tension in their jaws and they have TMJ and they can’t open their mouth very big, so they can’t take the penis inside and they’re like, oh no, it’s going to choke them or it’s going to hurt.

George Faller [00:07:39]:
But would that be good to then just kiss the shaft and do things that are still lick it and play with it and do it right? Do what you can do right. Is that good enough for your partner? At least you’re showing effort, that you’re trying, that this matters.

Laurie Watson [00:07:55]:
Yeah. And I think for all we know, some men want that instead. Yeah, maybe the way she thought she had to do it wasn’t the best for him anyway. But if they don’t talk about it, they don’t know. Maybe licking it like a lollipop is just what she wanted, just what he wanted and what she wanted.

George Faller [00:08:15]:
A few couples that when I’ve helped facilitate this conversation, I’ve been surprised and I shouldn’t be, but maybe this is my male privilege or something, but a lot of times the taste and the smell is bad and guys just don’t think about this. So taking a shower and manscaping, doing a little trimming, a little cleaning, I might make it a little bit more appetizing.

Laurie Watson [00:08:40]:
Tell your story about your underwear that you took off and it stunk. Tell that story. That was funny.

George Faller [00:08:46]:
Yeah. So again, I normally didn’t think about this thing. This is how I’m growing in this podcast.

Laurie Watson [00:08:52]:
Oh, thank you.

George Faller [00:08:54]:
But I remember I had these cool, I don’t know, they were like nylon. I was playing pickleball in these underwear for a couple of hours and got a good sweat going and the pickle got sweaty. I was not doing anything sexual, I was just changing and I pulled off my underwears and I was like, holy, what is that smell? I mean, there’s some things going on there.

Laurie Watson [00:09:19]:
That is just TMI, but I got to say, no, you are so vulnerable to say that. And I think so many men don’t even think about it. I love that you noticed that and you thought about, nobody’s going to want to go down on that.

George Faller [00:09:30]:
I got some old spice on that.

Laurie Watson [00:09:32]:
Baby jumped in the shower. Did you?

George Faller [00:09:35]:
That’s right, yeah.

Laurie Watson [00:09:36]:
And I had a girlfriend who really smell was a big deal to her and if he was fresh from a shower, she was all about it. I’m like, did you tell him that? She’s like, no, because I think it’s wrong. I should just like his smell no matter what. I’m like, oh please, just tell him that. I just don’t think it’s going to hurt his feelings. He did. Thank me later. All right, so we got smell, we got taste.

Laurie Watson [00:09:59]:
What can you do about taste? So sometimes, right, genitals do have a taste. There’s, like, all kinds of things you can do about that. You can hold an Altoid. You know what that is? It’s that really strong mint in your mouth, and you can’t taste anything. And then maybe he kind of feels it, like menthol. Like, it’s cooler, and you blow on it, and he can feel that coolness. That’s a good trick. Or there’s, like, flavored lubricants, so you can’t taste anything, and it makes your mouth have a lot of saliva, so it’s really juicy.

Laurie Watson [00:10:29]:
Yeah, that’s good. All right, what about hair in your mouth?

George Faller [00:10:34]:
Dental floss? No, they can’t buy multipurpose here.

Laurie Watson [00:10:39]:
No. I heard a man say once he wanted a woman with hair long enough to floss. I was like, wow, okay.

George Faller [00:10:48]:
If you got hair long enough to floss down there, you digs might be in trouble.

Laurie Watson [00:10:53]:
No, he meant down there.

George Faller [00:10:55]:
That jungle might need a trim.

Laurie Watson [00:10:58]:
Exactly. It depends on the man, right? All of these things depends on the woman. Maybe it doesn’t bother, but if you have a hair in your mouth, you can stop and get it out. You can take a minute and just say, hold on just a second. Let me get rid of this hair. I think what happens is people get anxious, like, oh, I’m going to break the flow if I notice this. And it’s like, it’s okay. Just take a little moment, get it out of your mouth.

Laurie Watson [00:11:21]:
Keep going.

George Faller [00:11:22]:
Yeah. I think the timing is important, too. I think if you’re feeling super disconnected from your partner, they can really feel objectified. If you’re just being asked to perform an act, it’s disconnected from sex. I think taking that into consideration, is there something emotionally stopping you from wanting to. Does it feel wrong? Does it feel, I shouldn’t be doing this, or is it sinful? I mean, there are always blocks to this process that we just want to bring it to the light to say, hey, what can we do? Can we make any adjustments with this?

Laurie Watson [00:11:54]:
Yeah, I had a girlfriend who asked me about it, and she said, I really thought only prostitutes did that. So when my husband wanted me to do it, I just felt so dirty, so used. And I think she did eventually work it through, but that was her early upbringing.

George Faller [00:12:09]:
Sure.

Laurie Watson [00:12:10]:
That was what she thought of it. She didn’t really think of it when she thought about having sex as part of a sexual act that a couple did. So she had to kind of grow and think about it and hear from others. Fortunately, I had a lot of girlfriends who talked about it growing up. I was blessed. Yeah, I was very blessed. Still talk about it. Same group.

Laurie Watson [00:12:31]:
Hello out there.

George Faller [00:12:32]:
But what would be different? When you’re dating and you’re trying to kind of get this person to love you and you’re more enthusiastic and you’re more sexual and you have more desire, you’re tapping into and it’s more fun when your body’s in that freed up place.

Laurie Watson [00:12:47]:
I know, right?

George Faller [00:12:48]:
And if you’re doing it 20 years later and you’re not really turned on and you’re tired at night, maybe that is. Maybe it’s good to say no and to find a better time when you’re on vacation or you’re more into it where it can be more special. So instead of saying no, maybe it’s no most of the time, except special occasions like your birthday.

Laurie Watson [00:13:07]:
And maybe for some people, they could live with that, right? And that would be okay. Just knowing that it is coming, that there’s going to be a joyful time and she’s not going to do it out of duty and it’s not going to suck, is what I wanted to say. But then I realized we’re talking about flow job. Maybe we needed to suck. I’m sorry, you guys. That’s my brain.

George Faller [00:13:29]:
It might be good motivation to have the guy talk about what it means to him because it might be more than just the orgasm. Right? There might be something that’s different about a blowjob. How it feels, the focus. You don’t have to focus on performance or anything else. It’s like a moment of surrender or relaxing.

Laurie Watson [00:13:50]:
All the attention.

George Faller [00:13:51]:
All attention is on you. A lot of anything. Men are so performance focused. And they always have that lingering in the background that it’s nice to not have that for a little bit.

Laurie Watson [00:14:02]:
Yeah, I get it. Okay, let’s come back and talk about how do we help the guy who didn’t want to go down. Imagine this winter sitting by the fire in the coziest, softest pajamas you have ever felt. Or slipping into bed on a cold winter’s night with just that silky, satiny feel against your skin. Cozy earth has the softest products you will have ever felt. They are made from responsibly sourced bamboo. And all the products come with a ten year warranty. It’s basically temperature regulating so you can get in bed.

Laurie Watson [00:14:43]:
Maybe you need to be warm and your partner needs to be cool. These are perfect sheets for that and I love them. I now have them in terracotta and in white. I have them in different colors. I can change my bedroom with the season. Really cozy earth make me feel like I am in luxury every single day. I invite you to go to cozyearth.com and look at all that they provide with an exclusive offer for our listeners at 35% off sitewide. When you use the code foreplay, please use the code [email protected] and look at all that they have to offer.

Laurie Watson [00:15:21]:
It is a beautiful product. My favorite winter gift. We have new partners every plate if you’re looking to budget your food expenses in the new year, save big and eat great with America’s best value meals kit. Their meals are cheaper than your average fast casual meal. So ditch the takeout, especially now, while we’re all trying to eat healthy. Save money while you’re enjoying fresh, satisfying meals, it is easy to eat affordably. Put the money you save towards your 2024 plans. If you’re making resolutions, get every plate.

Laurie Watson [00:15:58]:
Stop going to the grocery store and taking so much time with meal prep. Save more time with these quick and easy recipes. Again, we have a new partnership with everyplate. Get a meal for one dollarforty nine cents plus one dollar steaksforlife by going to everyplate.com podcast and enter the code. 49 foreplay. Subscriptions must be active to qualify for and redeem the $1 stake. That’s everyplate.com podcast. 49 foreplay Uber Lube it’s a luxury lubricant.

Laurie Watson [00:16:34]:
Can you say that three times fast? Uber Lube luxury lubricant basically, it’s pure silicone bliss. It is made from superior ingredients, it has skin soothing vitamin e, and it goes on just like natural moisture. And it lasts a long time. There’s no drip. Their glass bottles are truly beautiful. You can leave them on your bedstand. I do. No problem.

Laurie Watson [00:16:57]:
Nobody notices. And it’s basically like this thin, slippery silicone formulation. It reduces friction, which is great, but it doesn’t reduce sensation, and it stays slippery long enough for lasting pleasure. They have travel friendly, toughened glass bottles. You can slip it in your gym bag. You can slip it in your purse. You can be ready whenever. Try Uber lube, the silicone [email protected] use the code foreplay for 10% off.

Laurie Watson [00:17:26]:
Really, it is the best lubricant on the market.

George Faller [00:17:34]:
We’re reversing roles. Now. Here we go. What about for all those men out there? Whatever their good reasons, they’re the ones who say, no, I don’t like going down on you.

Laurie Watson [00:17:47]:
Painful.

George Faller [00:17:48]:
Can I give you this vibrator and call it.

Laurie Watson [00:17:50]:
Yeah, call it quits.

George Faller [00:17:53]:
Call it quits.

Laurie Watson [00:17:54]:
I’d be calling it quits. No. I hear this, right? I remember the first time as a sex therapist, I heard a man say to his wife, I’m sorry, I don’t like the way you taste. In her place, I was like, dagger in my heart. I was like, oh, I really wish you had said it differently. I really wish you had not just said that right now. I mean, that is just so painful.

George Faller [00:18:21]:
At least he put it on the table, though.

Laurie Watson [00:18:23]:
I know. And you’re all about us putting the hard things on the table.

George Faller [00:18:27]:
We can deal with it then, so to speak. How many men just don’t go down there because of that, but they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings, so they come up some other kind of reason in, or they just do something else. But is there something you can do for taste?

Laurie Watson [00:18:40]:
Yeah, there are things you can do for taste. I mean, we just talked about showers, right? Certainly a shower would be helpful. Good hygiene to begin. But I think sometimes, yeah, there is. I’ve heard that papayas and avocados make you taste sweeter.

George Faller [00:19:00]:
Oh, wow.

Laurie Watson [00:19:01]:
Yeah. I don’t know. I have not factually researched that, but that’s what I hear. I had a lesbian friend tell me that.

George Faller [00:19:09]:
I thought you put in some avocado down there. I was, like, mixing things up a.

Laurie Watson [00:19:13]:
Little bit, like a little salad, olive oil.

George Faller [00:19:19]:
But I think it also, how does the woman communicate? I mean, so many women, it’s primary way of orgasm, right. Is through clitoral stimulation. And I think it’s important, too, like we were doing before with a guy, like, what does it represent for the woman? How important? Sometimes we got to give that information. A lot of times, men don’t understand. This is the primary way a lot of women orgasm. Claral, oral stimulation. It’s so important if they’re going to get engaged and get turned on. This is road number one.

George Faller [00:19:51]:
And if you’re saying no to this.

Laurie Watson [00:19:55]:
If that’s the way you come, and he didn’t want to do that, you are kind of dead in the water. And I can imagine that that would build resentment and all kinds of things. But maybe, again, it could be her hair or it could be her taste or her smell or something that he just can’t tolerate. Or maybe he feels like doing that is being submissive and being less than a man. Men don’t do that.

George Faller [00:20:25]:
That could be the emotional stuff blocking it.

Laurie Watson [00:20:27]:
Yeah.

George Faller [00:20:27]:
So what would be your advice to a man who’s saying, I don’t like doing this? What did you say?

Laurie Watson [00:20:32]:
Yeah. After I got over the stab in my heart for her, I asked him to explain what was it about it. And for him, it was like he grew up in a culture that said, if I do that to a woman, then I’m somehow or another not macho. I’m not a real man because I’m doing something for her that I shouldn’t have to do that. Really? My dick should be enough, and if I have to do this, I’m not good enough, and she shouldn’t need this. I mean, it was convoluted.

George Faller [00:21:09]:
Well, I think a lot of men, and this is why that statistic that 80% of women don’t orgasm during intercourse, like, when men hear that, it’s like, oh, shit, I got to figure out other ways because I want my partner. Most men want their partner to orgasm. That’s really important. But if you’re in this belief that you should orgasm this way through intercourse, then I’m just going to try harder at intercourse, and we lose this beautiful opportunity.

Laurie Watson [00:21:35]:
Yeah. And I think, too, that men sometimes don’t get enough feedback about it, so they kind of come up with, it doesn’t work. I’m failing, and then they don’t want to try it again. Yeah. Or they think it does work. Maybe it’s worked on another partner, and they try too early and she’s not really ready for it, so she pushes them away, but she really needs it, and they don’t talk about that. Or she just lays there and lets him do it forever, and he’s like, okay, this is a lot of fun. He doesn’t get any feedback.

Laurie Watson [00:22:04]:
Right.

George Faller [00:22:05]:
There’s no success for it.

Laurie Watson [00:22:06]:
Yeah, no success, exactly. No feedback.

George Faller [00:22:09]:
Like, I just went down there for 20 minutes and the needle didn’t move at all. And if the guy’s not engaged and he’s starting to go over the bills in his head, I think she can feel that.

Laurie Watson [00:22:22]:
Just like a man could feel that.

George Faller [00:22:24]:
I don’t know. You think so? I would give it a try. I’d rather have the taxes being done than nothing at all, that’s for sure. So what does it feel like between.

Laurie Watson [00:22:38]:
A good blow job and a bad blow job? Is not very much right as long as it’s happening.

George Faller [00:22:43]:
Well, that’s unfortunately, a lot of.

Laurie Watson [00:22:45]:
Okay. But for a woman, I can say there is a difference.

George Faller [00:22:48]:
All right, tell us the difference.

Laurie Watson [00:22:49]:
Yeah, the difference is sort of him knowing where he is. That would be good. His tongue could be in the wrong place. It might not be on her clitoris. I remember this one couple. He’s like, yeah, when I go down on her, I put my tongue right where it matters, in her vagina.

George Faller [00:23:07]:
And I’m like, you’re two inches off the mark, dude. What are you doing?

Laurie Watson [00:23:11]:
What are you doing? And why didn’t she ever say anything? That was kind of curious.

George Faller [00:23:16]:
Yeah. Well, how would a guy know when you don’t have a clitoris?

Laurie Watson [00:23:19]:
Yeah. Like a teeny, tiny, tiny penis. That’s what it’s like. It’s like a teeny, tiny penis that’s more sensitive.

George Faller [00:23:26]:
Well, I like that. Again, you’re trying to make explicit what’s blocking him. Is it something physical? Smell, taste? Is it something emotional? He’s failing. Is it something. He just doesn’t know what to do? It’s a sense of helplessness. He feels like not skilled in that area. He wants to avoid that. I mean, there could be a lot of factors that are stopping this natural process.

Laurie Watson [00:23:48]:
Yeah.

George Faller [00:23:48]:
Any others you got?

Laurie Watson [00:23:50]:
I think that’s good. I think we just addressed most of them.

George Faller [00:23:53]:
Yeah.

Laurie Watson [00:23:55]:
But I do think, I guess my hope as a sex therapist, what I’ve seen is 99% of the time, it’s workable. They can work it through to have some form of oral sex that is satisfying.

George Faller [00:24:08]:
Let’s repeat that. That’s worth it.

Laurie Watson [00:24:10]:
It’s workable. Blow jobs and her getting cunning lingus, which is Georgia’s favorite word.

George Faller [00:24:16]:
Oh, boy. Is like, you wonder why some men don’t want to do it. Change the damn name.

Laurie Watson [00:24:22]:
They can’t say it. Okay, but both of those things, we can work it out. You can figure it out together so that you can have some of this.

George Faller [00:24:34]:
As long as you’re able to talk about it. We always fall back to communication is the most important factor. You’re not doing your partner any service by not talking about this, by just keeping it to yourself. There’s a good reason you want to or don’t want to. And both people need to speak their piece.

Laurie Watson [00:24:54]:
And when I think about this listener who was brave enough to write to us and what happened, I think is they got shut down. It became dire. Am I going to even be able to last in this marriage? Does my partner love me? And that sense of fear that we talk about emotionally just shut him down. He couldn’t even keep talking about it. And she couldn’t talk about it because I think she knew it was important. She felt like, oh, my God, I am failing him. I did do it before. I mean, they were just in lockdown and shutdown, and they were kind of in a relatively early marriage.

Laurie Watson [00:25:31]:
And I think when you hit that kind of a roadblock in an early marriage, which is the first time, you might have really hit a bad roadblock, it’s really natural to think, I don’t know if this is going to work.

George Faller [00:25:42]:
Yeah. We all catastrophize when it’s not just the no. In that moment, we globalize that no, this will be our life. And we have these big responses to that. Right. Some of the research says even couples that get divorced, if half of them would have just stayed together and rode through that wave, they would have been fine six months later.

Laurie Watson [00:26:05]:
I know, right.

George Faller [00:26:05]:
But it’s in this moment when you’re drowning that you make decisions that wind up putting too much factor towards this one element.

Laurie Watson [00:26:14]:
Yeah. I have some friends who talked about divorce about 20 years ago.

George Faller [00:26:19]:
Right.

Laurie Watson [00:26:19]:
And I still know them, and they’re happy now. They’re very happy now. And they stayed together, which was a model for their children. They’re enjoying retirement. I mean, it’s different. And sometimes some stages of life are rougher, and I think some stages of a sex life are rougher and early sex. There’s a lot to learn. I just want to normalize that.

Laurie Watson [00:26:43]:
We all have to work on sex.

George Faller [00:26:45]:
We all have these periods.

Laurie Watson [00:26:46]:
Yeah.

George Faller [00:26:47]:
And also normalize the pain of. We live in a sex saturated culture. When you’re not getting it, and everywhere you’re around you, everyone seems to be getting it. You’re like, I could be getting it in all these other places and I’m not here. It’s that much harder to come home and have it in your face that you’re not getting it. So I get his turmoil and that he’s addressing that and he’s saying, hey, listen, we need to deal with this. That’s the healthiest thing you could do. Give her the space, or vice versa.

George Faller [00:27:14]:
And there’s lots of iterations of this, right. There are a lot of women who, their partner wants to go down on them, and they don’t want it.

Laurie Watson [00:27:21]:
Yeah.

George Faller [00:27:21]:
And there’s this. The other way is women who want to go down on them, their partners, and then the men don’t want it.

Laurie Watson [00:27:26]:
And believe it or not, that is true. Yeah.

George Faller [00:27:29]:
What’s that about?

Laurie Watson [00:27:31]:
And a lot of men who say, I want her to go down on me, but I don’t come that way, so I don’t want to let her because I don’t come that way anyway. And so I’m afraid I’ll disappoint her. It’s like, dude, let her do that.

George Faller [00:27:42]:
People also have a lot of body image issues, and with this, I don’t like the way I look. I don’t like the way. So all of that stuff complicates these signals.

Laurie Watson [00:27:53]:
I’m ugly down there. I’m not big enough down there. I’m too big. That’s really the big one with blowjobs. I’m too big. Yeah.

George Faller [00:28:01]:
I had a guy who talked about his balls were too big compared to his penis. When she would go down there, he would just think about that the whole time and be like. Then he would lose his erection and he’d be like, I don’t like blowjobs. Well, yeah, I wouldn’t like it under those circumstances either. So if we can listen to those emotions, it’s kind of telling us he needs some reassurance. So probably make the process easier for him.

Laurie Watson [00:28:22]:
And we facilitate these conversations with couples so we know it’s possible. We know you can talk about, you know, I know it’s hard to talk. I think, you know, maybe you write it down, you both come to the table. Let’s see if we can work this out. Is there any way?

George Faller [00:28:42]:
That’s also really good advice, Laurie, for a lot of couples, if it’s just too big to start the conversation. Sometimes just writing an email or a letter that starts it and says, hey, I want to talk. This is too hard to talk about, but here’s some of my issues. You open the door. The hardest step is that first step. I have no problem with couples who will start this conversation. Like you said, 99% of them are going to find some kind of better move than what they currently have.

Laurie Watson [00:29:09]:
Right? And that’s the first goal. And it might be enough. It might be just satisfying enough to find that next level if they can.

George Faller [00:29:18]:
And partners deserve to be recognized when they’re hurt.

Laurie Watson [00:29:21]:
Yeah.

George Faller [00:29:22]:
Right. And if we don’t share, we’re never going to get that either.

Laurie Watson [00:29:26]:
Yeah. So we want to say to you, dear listener, keep the faith. We believe that you can have this conversation. I think maybe now is the time to get therapy. Certainly look up an EFT therapist, somebody who can help you talk about the emotions from both sides. It’s difficult, but maybe now is the time to reach out and maybe you approach your wife and say, look it, I know we’re stuck here, and I feel so stuck. I know you feel so stuck. I’m not dragging you to therapy so that you will do it.

Laurie Watson [00:29:58]:
I’m dragging you to therapy so that I can understand it. Maybe if I can understand it, I can get over my need. Maybe you can understand me and you can come my way. I don’t know.

George Faller [00:30:07]:
Yeah, exactly. And if both partners can protect each other in this conversation, he has good reasons. He wants it, and he’s hurt that he’s not getting it. She has good reasons. You don’t want to do it. And they start off respecting that at each other and try to protect each other. She’s getting the Message. She’s failing.

George Faller [00:30:24]:
He’s getting the message of rejection. We work with this all the time in cycles. This is just another topic that brings up the same cycle.

Laurie Watson [00:30:32]:
Yeah.

George Faller [00:30:32]:
We know how to help couples repair this. It’s not a mystery attachment. Science can kind of solve this issue. You just got to take that first step. Thanks for listening, everyone.

Laurie Watson [00:30:42]:
Keep it hot.

George Faller [00:30:43]:
Yeah, baby.

Laurie Watson [00:30:45]:
Okay, so tell us about your cutting edge training that you’re doing on success and vulnerability, Laurie.

George Faller [00:30:51]:
We just keep pushing it. Coming up with a new module on the playbook of a pursuer, playbook of a witch, or really practical moment by moment moves of what a therapist can use. We’re so focused on what’s happening in session enough. There’s talk about theories and these global things I think most therapists are looking for. What do I do in this moment? Give me a tool, George. So that’s what we’re trying to do.

Laurie Watson [00:31:17]:
That’s awesome. I am so glad you guys are doing this work. I think it helps us be organized to see you do it. You do demos, you do explanations, teaching. It really is interactive, and I think that so many trainings that we sit through don’t give us an opportunity for that. So what you’re doing is really important.

George Faller [00:31:36]:
No. We try to emphasize to teach it, show it, do it model of learning. You need to have some ideas. So we try to teach those, and then we try to show what it looks like implementing those ideas. But most importantly, you now got to practice it. That’s how they become yours, and that’s what we want our listeners and watchers to do and become their own moves.

Laurie Watson [00:31:55]:
Find George and his [email protected].

Joe Davis – Announcer [00:31:59]:
Call in your questions to the foreplay question. Voicemail, dial eight three three. My foreplay. That’s eight three three. My the number four play, and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by foreplay media.