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Laurie Watson [00:00:23]:
Shake it off today it this episode.

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Joe Davis – Announcer [00:01:26]:
The following content is not suitable for.

George Faller [00:01:28]:
Children laughing in bed Laurie, let’s talk about it.

Laurie Watson [00:01:32]:
I need to laugh, so that sounds good.

George Faller [00:01:36]:
As we’re having all our technology issues in this podcast, we weren’t laughing. If we can’t figure out how to laugh, we’re going to cry.

Laurie Watson [00:01:43]:
Laurie just think about how people in bed have technological problems with each other. They got to laugh about it. Welcome to foreplay sex therapy. I’m Dr. Laurie Watson, your sex therapist.

George Faller [00:01:57]:
And I’m George Faller, your couple’s therapist.

Laurie Watson [00:01:59]:
We are here to talk about sex.

George Faller [00:02:01]:
Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate their body, their mind, and their hearts.

Laurie Watson [00:02:09]:
And we have a little bit of fun doing it. Right?

George Faller [00:02:11]:
G listen and let’s change some relationships. Timing is everything, right?

Laurie Watson [00:02:17]:
Timing is everything, for sure.

George Faller [00:02:20]:
I always love Emily Nagoski’s work on just the simplicity of gas pedals and brakes. Right? What are things that turn you on? Make you feel more light and connected and engaged? And what are some of the things that turn you? You know, I find laughter is an area where couples can really miss each other. Right? Some people it’s what turns them on of others, what turns them off. There’s no right or wrong again. We’re just giving you some damn place as an audience to talk about this with your partner.

Laurie Watson [00:02:48]:
Right.

George Faller [00:02:49]:
But I think a lot of us take the bedroom way too seriously. Great lovers do find moments of lightness and brevity where they do enjoy each other. I mean, the bedroom is the adult playground. A playground is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be joking and laughing. It’s not supposed to be serious all the time. But somehow us adults turn this into this serious business of, like, am I going to be rejected? Am I going to fail? Is it going to work? When your brain’s thinking about all those serious things? I think we lose the playfulness that can be so important for couples.

Laurie Watson [00:03:20]:
Right. It’s hard to be light if you’re worried about your erection failing or if you’re worried that you’re not going to come or just, like, too much stress. And I think one of the beautiful things about laughter is it’s really an anxiety reducer. When we laugh, it changes our physiological state. You can’t laugh and kind of be anxious at the same time. So laughter, I don’t know that it can be consciously conjured up. We want it to be spontaneous. But I think, like you said, you don’t take it so seriously.

Laurie Watson [00:03:54]:
You know that his elbow is going to be on your hair and you can’t turn over the way you want to or what. It’s just going to happen. And expecting, I suppose, that there’s going to be things that go wrong. There’s going to be dysfunction. Sometimes I’m all about the elbow. Today there’s going to be an elbow that hits you the wrong way and bruises you. It just accidentally. It happens.

Laurie Watson [00:04:17]:
And so if you just expect a few things to go wrong, maybe it can keep the atmosphere a little bit lighter and you can tend toward more laughter.

George Faller [00:04:26]:
That’s good advice. Lower expectations. Know some elbows are coming your way, but when you’re ready for them, you can joke about it. How graceful is that? Especially when I make a mistake, my wife can laugh about that and not take it so seriously. It just changes the whole mood to be able to be playful about it and say, that’s not a big deal. That didn’t work the way we were hoping it was going to work. I really thought I was going to like that. Let’s fool around on the couch.

George Faller [00:04:54]:
Oh, yeah. All of a sudden, the couch isn’t so damn comfortable. If some people haven’t noticed and be able to laugh together with that.

Laurie Watson [00:05:01]:
It’s not long enough. The couch isn’t long enough. My husband is really tall, right?

George Faller [00:05:07]:
And there’s no blanket down there. It’s colder than you think, and your knees are kind of rubbing against the wrong spot on the floor. Whatever is happening, to be able to, instead of get frustrated by that, to laugh about it and say, we tried something different. That was a famous flop, right? Let’s flop together. Couples that are in that together, it’s so different.

Laurie Watson [00:05:28]:
Flop together. Couples that flop together stay together.

George Faller [00:05:33]:
Speaking of flops, some of the sounds that can come out right can be a little throw you off there a little bit.

Laurie Watson [00:05:40]:
No, I agree totally. Even now, my stomach’s growling and I’m, like, aware of weird body sounds. And you’re right, it can be a big turn off where you can just laugh about it. My husband’s favorite thing to say when he farts is like, if I don’t fart, my gallbladder is going to explode. I don’t know how that happened, but he always says that, and it does make me laugh. It’s funny.

George Faller [00:06:07]:
Yeah. It’s so much easier than just trying to hold it in and white knuckle it and hope your partner doesn’t hear you again. We work so hard to not freak out our partner or whatever happens that we wind up disengaging. To deal with that playfulness allows you to be in a present moment. You look at kids, they’re the best at being mindful because they’re just in the present moment enjoying it. And I think sex is designed for that. And yet we so often can kind of get in our own heads and kind of screw that up.

Laurie Watson [00:06:39]:
I mean, laughter is present process, right? If we’re really going to laugh, we’re right there. We’re in the moment. We’re not thinking about something else. We’re not worried about something. We are present. And I think that’s what kind of makes it so fun. It’s like we know our partner is with us if they’re laughing.

George Faller [00:06:56]:
Exactly. And sometimes I think the partner who’s making a joke is trying to lighten the mood. But oftentimes that becomes a break for the partner hearing it because they’re like, wait, why are you making this awkward, kind of joking, kind of playful thing when I was starting to feel erotic and kind of more sexual? And it’s a disconnect that can happen for couples.

Laurie Watson [00:07:20]:
You’re right. And it could be misinterpreted. This is one of the problems with humor is it could be bad timing or it could just be. I don’t think that’s funny. I was listening to a couple talk, and I think she was wanting more passion from him. And he said, the other day, I stood in front of our window, they were an empty nester, and he was looking into the house, and he pulled his pants down. And I was just like, that probably didn’t work. So I kind of have this expression on my face, like, oh.

Laurie Watson [00:07:48]:
And she goes, no. I thought that was really funny. I thought that was great. And I’m like, okay. I was trying to read them, and I was totally off.

George Faller [00:07:57]:
I thought it was a good mood. Laurie, how the heck could that not work? That sounded pretty good to me.

Laurie Watson [00:08:03]:
The old penis. Like that could be funny for a lot of just, I was thinking maybe for her, it wouldn’t be because of what she had said, but I love that she went with it. She found him funny, and they laughed, and it was good. And it was kind of more my moment to self denigrate and go, okay, maybe it’s just me here that’s off. Oops, sorry about that.

George Faller [00:08:26]:
I think you might have a gender piece here where guys often do these kind of goofy things that they’re trying to discharge some anxiety. So I do a little silly dance or whatever.

Laurie Watson [00:08:38]:
The movement, flex their muscles, flex their.

George Faller [00:08:40]:
Muscle, wiggle a belly. A lot of times it could be self deprecating, too, but it’s just a way of just easing into the moment. But I think for a lot of women, it feels childlike, and it’s not really sexy when you’re dealing with, let me spank you in the butt, honey. Come on. That timing isn’t great for the partner, and then it becomes a miss. So how do we help couples prepare for that? This is likely to happen, and they’re not trying to be childlike, I don’t think likely. When I joke around about something again, I’m just trying to not take this so serious, saying, men do that in all facets of their life. You watch men interact, they’re always joking and teasing and playing as a way to kind of relieve stress because there’s a lot of pressure to perform and do things right.

George Faller [00:09:27]:
So that’s just an easy way of letting that go. But I think a lot of times women take it as not being as engaged or is in the right spot that they’re looking to really tap into their erotic being. And it’s just they’re speaking different languages at that moment.

Laurie Watson [00:09:45]:
It can happen. I know two men, and they both tell sex jokes. And one of them tells jokes like that you would hear in junior high. And then you pulled the parrot and he said this, that, and the other. And it’s just like, okay. It’s just like, not funny. I mean, I’ll laugh because I’m a good sport, but then the other one is, it’s clever. It’s an innuendo.

Laurie Watson [00:10:08]:
It’s like the timing is always perfect, and so it’s really funny. I think that certainly humor and to make us laugh, it could be bad timing or it could just not be the right type or something. I think it’s hard to learn that, too. Like, if you’re trying, right, the guy that’s telling the junior high joke, he’s trying. He’s trying to participate just in a group conversation. He’s trying to be funny, but not so much.

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George Faller [00:11:36]:
Yeah. Well, again, we need to understand why do you think so many women find it not so funny? Guys think that dad humor is pretty funny. It does make them relax a little bit. But what do you think? Know, women partners the wrong way know, they hear that joke. Yeah, about the parrot, for example. What was the parrot joke?

Laurie Watson [00:12:01]:
Let’s hear can’t, George, you know, I can’t tell a. So don’t make me blow it in front of the whole world. What was not so funny about it? I think it was a staged kind of joke. It didn’t necessarily fit the timing of the conversation. It was just like, oh, I heard this funny joke.

George Faller [00:12:22]:
I got some penis jokes for you.

Laurie Watson [00:12:24]:
Okay, let’s hear a penis joke.

George Faller [00:12:27]:
I’m not really sure how I feel about masturbation, but on the other hand, it feels pretty good.

Laurie Watson [00:12:38]:
I would have laughed at that. But I think when you’re in bed, right, you want something that is going to turn you on. I don’t know, in a group or something like that. Those jokes are funny. Funny enough.

George Faller [00:12:51]:
Yeah.

Laurie Watson [00:12:52]:
Like, some people are masters of puns and they love that dad jokes.

George Faller [00:12:57]:
We always trying to get our listeners to kind of differentiate between the intent and the impact. Right. And that’s how you can start building a bridge when you’re speaking different languages. So women can listen to the dad joke and say, wait a second, that is just my partner’s attempt to lighten the mood, to kind of just relax. That’s really all the intent of it, is because if I would laugh with it, we’d be laughing together, which would make us feel more connected. But the impact is often very different. Right. The impact is like, that’s not so sexy that my partner is wiggling his belly and doing a dance instead of trying to come over and seduce me.

George Faller [00:13:38]:
So the timing, the impact could feel like, I’ve had little kids all day. I don’t want a fourth kid right now. I want a partner. I want somebody who’s strong and confident, decisive. Right. So again, this is, I think, what.

Laurie Watson [00:13:52]:
I see the missed decisive about me, about wanting me decisive. Yeah, exactly.

George Faller [00:13:58]:
Right? So maybe we could help men. Let’s come back from the break and say, like, how can you joke in decisively confident ways? Right? Maybe that would help women go more with the joke. Or maybe we could help women just become more not so understanding. But maybe they could lead some of these jokes. What would that be like? To start off with a joke?

Laurie Watson [00:14:21]:
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George Faller [00:17:05]:
That’s we need more of. We need more jokes coming from both directions. I think when both people aim for the target that says we want more playfulness in our bedroom, we want more of that light hearted and the timing of when to do that. But just maybe this is part of foreplay. Maybe it needs to be kept out of the bedroom. Maybe it needs to start somewhere else. I don’t know. The timing.

George Faller [00:17:30]:
You all can figure it out. But is that a worthy goal for both people to say we want more of this in our relationship?

Laurie Watson [00:17:38]:
A lot of women I talk to talk about, they want more passion and romance in bed. And so laughter and playfulness it’s a sub goal. I mean, I think it works. And I think if you, to me, maybe the passion, intense moments are fewer and further between, but in those between moments, this is a lovely way to relate. It’s fun. You’re not so serious. You’re having fun. And I think that’s the point of this, is sometimes it’s actually telling jokes, but it’s a spirit of the way you approach it that is just, we’re going to have fun.

Laurie Watson [00:18:15]:
We’re going to use our bodies in fun ways that feel good. It doesn’t have to be so intense. Maybe intensity puts pressure on both people. Like, oh, I got to look spectacular or I got to have the moves, and I don’t know if I have the moves. So I think playfulness and laughter is a way to. Is a really good sort of every Thursday mood.

George Faller [00:18:40]:
Yeah, I like it. My brain is trying to. And this is the serious part of it, right. We try to.

Laurie Watson [00:18:49]:
You’re masturbating the mic. You’re masturbating the mic. Stop doing that.

George Faller [00:18:52]:
There we go again. The mind masturbation. And doesn’t joking kind of turn some of that stuff off for a lot of us?

Laurie Watson [00:19:03]:
Are you still touching your mic?

George Faller [00:19:04]:
Back into the prison.

Laurie Watson [00:19:05]:
Are you still touching your mic? Because I can hear it.

George Faller [00:19:08]:
I like touching this mic.

Laurie Watson [00:19:11]:
Okay, that was funny. That was good timing. That was good timing. That was funny.

George Faller [00:19:18]:
That was okay. Taking that funniness and integrating it with the mission of how do we get you listeners to just rate on a one to ten, like, what is your playfulness like for the two of you? How do you think couples would rate that? Laurie, how important is playfulness and joking and teasing and laughing in the bedroom on a one to ten, how lined up you think they’d be?

Laurie Watson [00:19:54]:
I think it would be different. I think personally, it’s a really high value to me. I like that. I think that I feel connected. And my husband, he’s funny. He’s actually the funniest person, I think, with me personally, than he is with anybody else because he lets it out. But he can be really funny. And it’s not just that.

Laurie Watson [00:20:14]:
It’s that when we have sex, I would say the majority of the time, it’s playful and we laugh and we say funny things to each other. When we’re making love, we are funny with each other. And he thinks I’m hilarious in bed, too, and that helps because he laughs at my jokes and he gets it.

George Faller [00:20:36]:
Don’t score pretty high.

Laurie Watson [00:20:37]:
I think we would both score very high in terms of this is a strength of ours and a high value.

George Faller [00:20:44]:
Nice. That’s cool.

Laurie Watson [00:20:45]:
What about you? How important is it to you?

George Faller [00:20:48]:
I think it’d probably be more important for me and less important for my wife. We’re going to try to fix her of that.

Laurie Watson [00:20:59]:
Okay. Another funny joke. I’m sorry, Kathy laughing at your expense.

George Faller [00:21:04]:
Most of the couples that I work with, I would think this is an.

Laurie Watson [00:21:08]:
Area that go back. Why do you think it’s more important to you? Does it just relieve stress? There’s no pressure when you know it’s going to be fun.

George Faller [00:21:18]:
Yeah, I think it’s a loosening it up. It’s just like, I like what it feels like to laugh and be playful. It’s easier for me to take risks when I feel more playful and when I’m serious, I’m more in my own zone, my own world. There’s a freedom that comes with laughing.

Laurie Watson [00:21:41]:
Yeah, it’s kind of cathartic. Like a huge relief. I remember the podcast we did, and we got a lot of static on it because maybe people thought we weren’t being that nice, but we saw ourselves in the sexual pursuer that recommended nipple clamps. Do you remember that one? We could have done that. We could have maybe inappropriately or pushed our partners too far or something. And I remember you laughing and you laughed hysterically. And that piece, I can see how amazing that is to be in the moment and just laughing and giving yourself over to it. Laughter is another way to surrender, just like orgasm is.

Laurie Watson [00:22:26]:
So maybe it’s like your body is getting into it.

George Faller [00:22:30]:
They’re bonding moments when you could laugh together and your body remembers those moments. So even as you bring up the nipple clamps, like, I can feel that memory of that in my body. Like, that was good, that was fun. That was, you know, connecting moment. Right. And Laurie’s making the clamping finger signs now. But again, how cool is that for couples to think often? I don’t think I’ve thought about that. These can be bonding moments.

George Faller [00:22:59]:
We think about double orgasms, right, of being bonding moments, staring to each other’s eyes and that surrendering. But these are also ways of bonding that just says, I’m not taking myself so seriously. You’re not taking yourself so seriously. And we’re together in this present moment, just enjoying and laughing and relaxing with each other. I mean, what can really be better than that?

Laurie Watson [00:23:19]:
Yeah, exactly. You’re so right. I think it’s adding to the bond. It’s adding to the sense of connection when we’re laughing together. Maybe that’s what makes it so fun in bed, too. It’s a stress reliever and it’s adding to connection.

George Faller [00:23:36]:
Yeah.

Laurie Watson [00:23:37]:
You got to really be free with somebody. You got to be free with somebody to laugh hard.

George Faller [00:23:41]:
I think that feels so good, doesn’t it? To just lose yourself for a while and there is a sense of, like, you just don’t have control like you normally have in life. It’s one of those few moments where you just let loose is a great phrase, letting go.

Laurie Watson [00:24:00]:
Laughing and letting go.

George Faller [00:24:03]:
But to get there, I think you got to learn to deal with a lot of the misses that come because you’re not on the same page. And I think a lot of people think they’re funnier than they actually are. I know when I was newly married, there was sarcasm in my jokes that actually really weren’t that funny. There was slight criticism in them. I wish you could dance as good as me and I dance. I don’t know why we need to kind of say these things, but there’s a little teasing that could happen that a lot of times isn’t so funny. The intent, I think, is good, but the impact isn’t so great.

Laurie Watson [00:24:37]:
Yeah, I hear couples do that. I don’t do sarcasm very well. I don’t take sarcasm very well. My older son is always looking for a woman who has an edge. And what he means by that is like somebody who’s. Her humor is sarcastic. He thinks that’s so funny. And I’m like, oh, over time, that just grinds on you.

Laurie Watson [00:24:58]:
Really? You want somebody who’s going to be sarcastic because there’s like a hidden barb in it, I think. But the right moment, maybe something sarcastic works, right?

George Faller [00:25:11]:
Well, if you think you’re inviting our listeners to really unpack some of the comments that they make that they might think is funny, is there a bob that might not make it so funny for the partner? Right. And can you tweak that a little bit? Or if you’re the partner, can you share? Like, that didn’t feel so funny because it did something else to me.

Laurie Watson [00:25:34]:
Yeah, exactly.

George Faller [00:25:35]:
But really getting the listener to be more engaged, like what’s blocking their joining of the laughter and playfulness, that’s really what I’d also want to explore. What is it about being uptight that is getting in a way of letting go.

Laurie Watson [00:25:53]:
Yeah. And I suppose one of the big blocks, I think, is if there’s always laughter and never that intensity, I think it’s harder to join in because if you’re a woman and you’re like, yeah. Sometimes, though, I just want him to come for me. So maybe it doesn’t feel as fun when it’s a steady diet of that. That could be a block.

George Faller [00:26:18]:
Okay.

Laurie Watson [00:26:19]:
I also think that what I hear is women read the anxiety. He smiles at me with that little smile and I know he wants sex, but all she sees is really anxiety. She doesn’t really see the desire. And so it’s not funny. It’s not fun, it’s not playful. She’s like reading anxiety. Of course, the best way to reinforce.

George Faller [00:26:39]:
That is pressure in that. Yeah, that’s a good. I’ve never really thought of it that way because when you’re making a joke, you’re feeling the funniness. But a lot of times it is masking the anxiety underneath it. And if the woman is picking up, oh, there goes that anxiety. Feeling awkward. And that puts a pressure on that already. She’s not being driven by the testosterone that wants to initiate and she’s starting off with pressure.

George Faller [00:27:08]:
That’s not the greatest startup.

Laurie Watson [00:27:10]:
Not as fun. Yeah. But of course, we know things are a cycle, right? He could be rejected a whole lot and so he is anxious about approaching. And so one thing just feeds into the other. But I think to your point, right, playfulness, laughter in bed is a way that we bond and we connect. We make sex more fun. Sex is supposed to be fun. So I think the laughter is indicative of we’re having fun together.

Laurie Watson [00:27:37]:
This is good.

George Faller [00:27:38]:
So what if our couples listening say the man wants to use a little humor and he might say something. How about some gymnastic moves upstairs? You want to get in the twister with me? You can just see the playfulness in that, right? If I’m the guy, I’m thinking the twist again. I’d always was fun and laughing. Let’s initiate that way.

Laurie Watson [00:28:04]:
Right? I hope you initiate to your wife with yoga moves. Like, let’s go do some yoga because she’s so into yoga. I think that’s.

George Faller [00:28:10]:
You don’t want to sexualize yoga, though. I would love to do more of that.

Laurie Watson [00:28:17]:
I’m sorry, Kathy. I’m sorry, Kathy. Okay.

George Faller [00:28:20]:
Oh, I tried that one many a times. I think yoga is sexy as hell. But, yeah, those little outfits, that’s another good area. I can make a joke around that. But that wouldn’t be so funny because again, that’s a different ballpark. But how might a woman respond to the twisted thing? That would be fun.

Laurie Watson [00:28:40]:
Yeah. So maybe it’s like on a scale of one to ten, that’s a four. And so she says, okay. In her heart, she says, okay. He’s trying. He’s trying something creative. He’s trying to do something new. Sometimes you just got to roll with it.

Laurie Watson [00:28:56]:
It’s like, maybe it doesn’t hit you in your funny bone, but you’re like, okay, baby, if you want to go do that, I want to see some, some results or something that in turn.

George Faller [00:29:08]:
I want to see if you could bend backwards over between my legs and touch my nose or something. Right?

Laurie Watson [00:29:16]:
Do some splits.

George Faller [00:29:17]:
But how fun would that be to just get that invitation and take a little of it? You don’t have to get crazy, but just to say, let’s do a somersault. I’m looking forward to that handstand or whatever it would be. It plays the game a little bit.

Laurie Watson [00:29:32]:
It’s matching, and all of us want to be matched, especially when we’re vulnerable and taking a risk. We want our partner to come up to it and match the intensity or the fun or something. Just to play, like you said, just to play along a little bit.

George Faller [00:29:48]:
Play along. I love it. So that’s your homework assignment, people. If you’re the person starting out with some jokes or some laughter, let’s see if it’s funny in the first place. Right. The timing is everything, and if you’re the partner listening, play along. Let’s see what happens when you play along.

Laurie Watson [00:30:07]:
That’s right. Just try it. Okay. Thanks for listening.

George Faller [00:30:12]:
Play along. I love it.

Laurie Watson [00:30:15]:
Okay, so tell us about your cutting edge training that you’re doing on success and vulnerability.

George Faller [00:30:21]:
Laurie. We just keep pushing it. Coming up with a new module on the playbook of a pursuer, playbook of a witcher. Really practical, moment by moment moves of what a therapist can use. We’re so focused on what’s happening in session enough. There’s talk about theories and these global things I think most therapists are looking for. What do I do in this moment? Give me a tool, George. So that’s what we’re trying to do.

Laurie Watson [00:30:46]:
That’s awesome. I am so glad you guys are doing this work. I think it helps us be organized to see you do it. You do demos, you do explanations, teaching. It really is interactive, and I think that so many trainings that we sit through don’t give us an opportunity for that. So what you’re doing is really important.

George Faller [00:31:06]:
No, we try to emphasize the teach it, show it, do it model of learning. You need to have some ideas, so we try to teach those, and then we try to show what it looks like implementing those ideas. But most importantly, you now got to practice it. That’s how they become yours, and that’s what we want our listeners and watchers to do and become their own moves.

Laurie Watson [00:31:24]:
Find George and his [email protected] call in.

Joe Davis – Announcer [00:31:29]:
Your questions to the foreplay question voicemail, dial eight three three my foreplay. That’s eight three three my the number four play, and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by foreplay media.