Thank you to the sponsors who made this episode possible:
Adam and Eve – Use code FOREPLAY for 50% off one item plus free shipping with the rush processing.
Quince – Go to quince.com/foreplay for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.
Hers – Start your free online visit today at forhers.com/foreplay.
Show Notes
Importance of Managing Interruptions:
- How acknowledging and apologizing for interruptions can enhance communication.
- Encouraging reflection on internal interruptions and their effects on conversations.
- Methods for minimizing interruptions to foster productive dialogue.
Personal Reflections:
- Dr. Laurie Watson shares how her chaotic, messy childhood influences her emotional responses to household mess.
- George Faller highlights the importance of creating a peaceful home environment and suggests future discussions about shared responsibilities.
Role-Playing and Examples:
- Watson and Faller role-play a typical couple’s conversation about intimacy.
- They showcase common communication pitfalls and demonstrate the importance of timing and non-interruption for improved intimacy conversations.
- Discussion of a hypothetical couple, Marie and Joey, illustrating how prioritizing sexual communication can address feelings of disconnection and loneliness.
Practical Tips:
- Emphasizing curiosity and soft tones in conversations to avoid blame and defensiveness.
- Techniques for addressing feelings of unfair treatment are shared, with an emphasis on choosing the right timing.
- Strategies for managing internal (intrapsychic) interruptions, like writing down thoughts to address later.
Transcript
Adam and Eve Advertisement [00:00:00]:
So who wants better sex and who wants to have better sex immediately? The best way to get started is to go to AdamAndEve.com right now, Adam and Eve is adding 50% off just about any item. More than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discreet shipping, free shipping, and rush processing on your entire order. Doesn’t matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don’t wait. Better sex is just a click away, y’all. Some of you are adventurous and you want to try a few new things in the bedroom. Just for fun, just for a change of pace.
Adam and Eve Advertisement [00:00:37]:
Just go to AdamAndEve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the code Foreplay at checkout. That’s 50% off one item. Free shipping. With the rush processing, that’s foreplay. F, O R E, P, L a [email protected] this is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast, so be sure to use the code Foreplay to get your discount. This episode is brought to you by Amazon.
Amazon Ad [00:01:08]:
The holidays are here and you know what that means. It’s time to get your friends and family the gifts they deserve. Take the stress out of shopping with Amazon’s great deals and low prices on a huge range of items from toys to tech and much more. Whoever you’re gifting for, Amazon has great prices on everything you need this holiday season. Shop Black Friday week starting November 21st. Time to move. Skip the hassles of selling during the holiday season and sell your home directly to Opendoor. Request an all cash offer in minutes, close and get paid in days.
OpenDoor Advertisement [00:01:41]:
Time to move. Skip the hassles of selling during the holiday season and sell your home directly to Opendoor. Request an all cash offer in minutes, close and get paid in days.You can even pick your close date so you can move after New Year’s. Start your [email protected] or download the Open Door app. Open Door is represented by Open Door Brokerage, Inc. License 0206-1130 in California and Open Door Brokerage, LLC in its other markets. Terms and conditions apply.
Disclaimer [00:02:01]:
The following content is not suitable for children.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:02:03]:
Okay, gee, we’re going to talk about the interruptions that come up for us, inside us and between us, and how it kind of just dysregulates our conversations and we don’t get anywhere and it creates bigger fights and we want to help people with this so that they can kind of control that part of themselves, right? That wants.
George Faller [00:02:24]:
Bring it on, Laurie. Bring it on, Laurie. I’m interrupting her. You see people, I know you were.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:02:29]:
You were talking over me. Oh my gosh. Welcome to Foreplay sex therapy. I’m Dr. LaurieWatson, your sex therapist.
George Faller [00:02:39]:
And I’m George Faller, your couples therapist.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:02:41]:
We are here to talk about sex.
George Faller [00:02:43]:
Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate their body, their mind, and their hearts.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:02:51]:
And we have a little bit of fun doing it right, G!
George Faller [00:02:53]:
Listen and let’s change some relationships.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:02:57]:
George, we got to remind people about our couples retreat in October 14th. It’s online and we just want you to join us and have a whole day conversation with your partner about sex.
George Faller [00:03:08]:
No interruptions that day either.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:03:10]:
No interruptions. Okay. Help us. Like, people do this as so natural to interrupt each other, talk over each other, and what do you think is going on and help us?
George Faller [00:03:21]:
Yeah, I mean, all of us don’t like interruptions, and yet all of us continuously do this. So Laurie and I work really hard to start off connecting to the good intent in things and then start to see, well, what’s the impact of that good intent, Right? So interrupt interruptions are something’s important that you’re. You want to talk about, and it’s super relevant. So anything that we interrupt with what we’re saying is important and needs to be addressed. But we want to invite you to start thinking about the timing of you introducing something new. So if. If one person’s sharing something about what they’re feeling and you decide to introduce something new about what you’re feeling. And you know, this is so often what leads to a lack of success in communication.
George Faller [00:04:07]:
Right. It’s just the wrong timing. And when couples start getting more disciplined and focused on the timing of their interruptions, the beautiful intent, and just figuring out a better time to do that, couples usually have a lot more success.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:04:22]:
You know, it was funny as you were talking, George, in my mind, my mind was wandering to this thing that I gotta tell Joe, our editor. And I wanted to interrupt, I wanted to say at the end of this, like, rather than coming back to you, I wanted to interrupt and just like, do this business thing. And I’m like, wait, wait, that’s bad timing. George is not going to feel good about that. I need to wait until the end of this episode. So it was like everything in me just had an sort of a. Intrapersonal. Right.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:04:47]:
Just something inside my. A stray thought that I was like, okay, I got to talk about this right now. Which would have totally thrown us off about what we’re trying to accomplish here. And fortunately, at least what I told myself is that can wait. But it’s just so. Our minds are so Busy.
George Faller [00:05:04]:
Yep. And it’s important. What you want to say is important. And our brain, especially with any kind of anxiety, gives primacy to that thing that feels most important. So we put it front and center. Instead of what was actually happening in that moment with maybe somebody else, we introduced this new thing that’s important, but that. That new thing is usually gonna kind of create confusion in kind of the interplay between the two people.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:05:36]:
Right. Because it’s a subject change or it’s another. It’s a deviation from the direction that the first person is going. And our brains can kind of only handle one topic at a time.
George Faller [00:05:48]:
Exactly. And we’re trying to break down the difference between an interpersonal, which is Lori’s talking to me, and I just interrupt her because I want to share what’s happening. For me, that’s like me interrupting her flow. But what we’re calling it, intrapsychics, is what Laurie just described. Like, sometimes we’re, like, thinking about something, and then something else pops into our mind. Right. So I might be talking to Laurie about how sad I feel, and then all of a sudden my brain says, but I wouldn’t feel that way if Laurie was just nicer to me. And, you know, so that I introduce something new.
George Faller [00:06:23]:
I’m no longer talking about my sadness, but I’m going in a different direction. The key word that I’m always listening to as a therapist is the word but. Right. The word but is a clear segue that, yeah, I feel sad for you, but let me introduce this other stuff about me and something else, and again, hugely important. We need that information. Probably not the best timing for that information.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:06:48]:
You don’t think I’m nice to you?
George Faller [00:06:50]:
I do think you’re nice to me.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:06:53]:
I was just interrupting. Interrupting your direction. Hey, listen, bringing in something.
George Faller [00:06:59]:
This is. This is the reality. And we’re going to role play it, because this is. I mean, hey, I. As therapists, we teach people to pay attention to this in our own lives. We just, you know, we’re like everyone else. I mean, it’s hard to stop these new pieces, and we’re never going to be perfect. But couples that just get a little bit more focused on, wait a second, this isn’t the time.
George Faller [00:07:19]:
I can do this in a couple more minutes. They will have more success in their relationships.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:07:25]:
Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay, let’s show how it’s done in the emotional cycle and then in the sexual cycle. All right, so we want you to. Your focus here is on. You’re going to see it done the wrong way, then the right way, the wrong way. The right way. Stopping the interruption.
George Faller [00:07:42]:
Yep. All right, so let’s say we’re going to do Joey and Maria and you’re going to be talking about something. Right? The person who initiates a conversation tends to be the mission of that focus. That’s who we want to know more, right? Yep.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:08:00]:
And the other person tends to interrupt. Okay. Okay. So I got to talk to you about, you know, the dishes. Honey, when I come home after working and there’s dishes on the sink, I just like, I feel so disrespected.
George Faller [00:08:18]:
Like, but really, I mean, seriously, like, who cares if we do it in the morning? I mean, does it make a difference that it sits there a couple hours? I mean, I always do it in the morning. I’m up earlier than you, and I always make sure before I leave the house everything is done. So, like, why can’t you just let it go for a couple hours?
Hers Advertisement [00:08:37]:
Listen, y’all, sometimes you have food chatter and you really have a difficulty all time losing weight. Sometimes it’s beyond you. And GLPs actually have been proven to work. So it may feel like everybody’s doing it and every celebrity is doing it. But you don’t need to be rich and famous in order to get access to these medications. Through hers, you can get an affordable weight loss program personalized just for you. Weight loss solutions are not one size fits all. Their holistic program gives you access to personalized solutions like GLP1s weekly injections that have the same active ingredients as Ozempic and Wegovy and oral medication kits.
Hers Advertisement [00:09:17]:
HERS connects you with a medical provider which I think you know is really important to me, who will create a personalized treatment plan tailored to your needs. Listen, I have friends and relatives who have tried the GLP1s and it’s working for them. And you know they’re losing weight. I just want you to think about it. If weight loss has been a big struggle and it’s impacting your health, certainly think about this through hers. Weight loss plans are more affordable with the compounded GLP1 injections starting at 199 per month with a 12 month subscription paid up front, no hidden fees and no membership fees. So if you’ve been struggling with your weight loss journey, it’s time that you find the best option that works for you with hers. Start your free online visit today at fourhers.com/forplay that’s F O R H E R S.com foreplay for your personalized weight loss treatment options.
Hers Advertisement [00:10:10]:
Forhers.com foreplay hers weight loss is not available everywhere. Compounded products are not FDA approved and verified for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescriptions are required. Restrictions apply. Wegovy and OIC are not compounded.
Quince ad [00:10:34]:
Ooh, cozy quints. You guys, I’m so excited that it’s the holidays. I get to wear my cashmere sweater and my satin skirt which is going to make me feel so dressed up, so sexy. But it’s comfortable. I love this. My favorite thing ever is this taupe colored Mongolian cashmere sweater from Quince. It was only 50 bucks. About 50 bucks. I mean, it’s so great. And we get such good quality because you know why? They cut out the middleman which passes the savings onto us. They only use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices.
Quince ad [00:10:55]:
So of course we get the savings and we also get those premier fabrics and finishes for that luxurious feel in every piece. Their wardrobe right now includes beautiful leather jackets, cotton cardigans, soft denims, and so much more. I have been so ready for a wardrobe change and this is really the way to do it with cozy clothes from Quince. Get cozy in Quince’s high quality wardrobe essentials. Go to quince.comforeplay for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That’s Q U I N C E.com foreplay to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com foreplay and just for the record, right.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:11:45]:
That interruption was. Now I’m Laurie again, talking about this. You know, it was talking over. She didn’t get the whole expression of what was bothering her. She might have come to something positive or, you know, some solution or she, she might have been more vulnerable. But is she going to be able to do that now? No way. You know, she’s been interrupted. She’s been cut off. So she’s going to blow up or she’s going to do whatever her, you know, natural protective mechanism would be.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:12:13]:
Probably Maria at this point is going to be angry.
George Faller [00:12:16]:
Yep. And Joey is a try into what he has to say is important.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:12:22]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:12:23]:
But I see that the timing of it is. It shuts down the curiosity and exploration of why Marie is bringing this up in the first place. What is her problem with this? We don’t even know what it is because it’s been stopped. And now probably Maria would bring up something else. And like, here we go. We’re into a negative cycle. Right. So my way of dealing with the negative cycle, I allowed my mistrust to kind of kick in, to take the microphone and to actually take this conversation in a worse direction.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:12:52]:
Yeah. And. And maybe intra personally, like what Joey might be feeling is he’s feeling blamed, he’s feeling accused, you know, so he can’t hold that emotion back. So that’s why. Another reason he might interrupt.
George Faller [00:13:06]:
Yeah. And my brain is saying, why are you complaining about this when I’m the one who actually does it in the morning? Like, this is unfair and that part of me just wants to take over. And when it takes over, the conversation stopped.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:13:18]:
Okay, let’s do it the way that we want people to do it. So you’re holding on to both the intrapsychic interruption, the part that has lots of feelings about this, and you’re gonna hold on between us and not interrupt me.
George Faller [00:13:31]:
Right. So before we start. So I’m not interrupting you. Right. What you’re probably gonna see me do is Joey’s. I have to hold the intrapsychic trigger. It’s still gonna come for me. It feels unfair, and I gotta kind of tell my brain that’s important, but now’s not the time.
George Faller [00:13:47]:
I’ll talk about that later. Sometimes we encourage partners, write things down if you, you know, you’re afraid you’re gonna forget it, we’re gonna get to it. It’s just not the right time. So if I can stop my own intrapsychic trigger, then it’s easier to not interpersonally interrupt.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:14:03]:
Yep.
George Faller [00:14:03]:
Which is all it’s going to look like the right way, which is I’m going to give my. The space to Maria to talk, and I’m going to be curious. I’m going to try to walk in Maria’s shoes and just kind of see what she’s saying.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:14:14]:
Okay, honey, I got to talk to you about something. And it’s the dishes again. I know this is our hot spot, but, you know, when I walk through the door after working and I’ve left the kitchen clean and there’s dishes in the sink from you and the kids, I just, like, see red. It’s like I feel so disrespected. And it’s more than just disrespected. It’s like, for me, I’m coming home, I want peace in my home. And I know this is not the same for you, but for me, my home, being organized and straight gives me peace of mind. I feel calmer, and I’m looking for that.
George Faller [00:14:56]:
Okay, so tell me more because I do want to know. I’m trying to hold back my comments on this stuff because I. I want to know more about this wanting peace. And you don’t get it when you see dishes.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:15:10]:
Well, you know, I grew up in a house that was very, very chaotic and messy. And it was like those two things kind of merged in my brain. And now when the home is neat, it’s almost like all is well. And so I get triggered when I come in and see this. And it’s not your fault. It’s not even the kids fault, but literally, I just. I can’t even think when I see the house like that. It’s like all.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:15:41]:
I’m flooded with those old feelings of like, oh, God, I’m coming home and everything’s a mess, and, you know, our family’s a mess. It just like. And I intellectually try not to do that, but emotionally, my body just kind of gets set on fire in a bad way.
George Faller [00:16:00]:
Yeah, that feels. I want all to be well. Like, I. I don’t usually get that. Like, to me, it’s okay when things are messy. It’s like, not that big a deal. So I don’t. I don’t know.
George Faller [00:16:11]:
That is so distressing for you. And, you know, it makes sense why, like, the dishes are just a trigger. It kind of brings you back into that chaotic place that I want you to feel all. Well, I want you to come home and feel peaceful. So, you know, maybe tomorrow we can talk about what might come up for me with the dishes some of the time. But, you know, in just staying here, I will do a better job of trying to make sure you feel all as well.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:16:39]:
Thank you. I appreciate you hearing me and listening to me. Really do. So break. I mean, this was awesome. You know, he stayed focused on her. No interruptions. We don’t know yet what happened inside him when he heard this, but he also left room for her to complete her thoughts.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:16:59]:
He asked a curious question, which she was able to answer from a more vulnerable place. You know, like, this is why she wasn’t actually blaming him. You know, because you’re a train wreck because you’re always messy, you know, or whatever. It was like she actually did have an internal reason about why she gets upset about it.
George Faller [00:17:19]:
Yeah. All right, well, let’s do this in the sexual cycle when we come back.
Rocket Money Ad [00:17:23]:
Okay? So, you guys, I’m in crazy budget mode, and I am pinching pennies because I want to start buying my Christmas gifts and I want to do some traveling. So one of the ways I pinch pennies is I use rocket money to find all those old subscriptions that I’ve just forgotten about. Did you know that over 70% of people have subscriptions that they’ve forgotten about? So it’s not just me. Thanks to Rocket Money, I’m no longer wasting money on these and I’m able to get more money back for the fun things that I have in life. Most Americans actually spend about $62 a month on subscriptions. Check. Use RocketMoney.com to see if you can lower your budget. Rocket Money also has a personal finance app that finds cancels your subscriptions, but also monitors your spending and helps you lower your bills so that you can grow that savings.
Rocket Money Ad [00:18:15]:
Over 5 million users have saved $500 million in canceled subscriptions. Stop wasting money on things you don’t use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to Rocketmoney.com foreplay that’s Rocketmoney.com Forplayrocketmoney.com foreplay.
George Faller [00:18:37]:
So that’s a good line, Laurie. When the partner who’s just witnessing and is trying to be curious and try to walk in the other person’s shoes to be able to say, can you tell me more?
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:18:47]:
Right.
George Faller [00:18:47]:
It’s inviting expansion. That’s really what we’re looking for. And it’s almost impossible to do that when you’re interrupting because you’re introducing you. You’re introducing something new. You can’t develop the topic that is front and center when you continuously bring in new things.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:19:03]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:19:03]:
Right. So this is hard to do.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:19:05]:
Yeah. I tell my couple I’m interrupting you. I tell my couples when they ask that curious question, they’re draining the poison. So the person has a lot of emotion inside that’s toxic and feeling bad. And when they ask that curious question, they just pull the plug on the poison inside their partner. They let it all out, and their partner usually settles down. And then they can have a better conversation. So I always call that draining the poison when I’m with people in session.
George Faller [00:19:32]:
Good. And this conversation is incomplete if Joey’s feeling of being unfairly treated with the criticism isn’t at some point addressed. Right. That’s a super important mission too.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:19:47]:
Right.
George Faller [00:19:48]:
It’s just not the right time if Marie is initiating this conversation.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:19:52]:
Right.
George Faller [00:19:52]:
So we’re really just trying to get people to structure these conversations. They send more direct signals so they can have some more success. So let’s do it in a sexual cycle. Lori.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:20:02]:
Okay. Okay. So you would be bringing it up probably.
George Faller [00:20:05]:
Yeah.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:20:06]:
In a typical couple.
George Faller [00:20:08]:
And you’re gonna fail, and then we’re gonna nail it.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:20:12]:
Okay.
George Faller [00:20:12]:
All right. Fail.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:20:13]:
And now.
George Faller [00:20:15]:
So Marie, I was really Hoping we could, you know, talk about our love life. Because I know every time I bring it up, it’s never a good time, but, you know, I don’t. I don’t think you realize. And we haven’t had sex in a week, and there’s always a reason.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:20:32]:
There’s always sex in a week because your parents were visiting.
George Faller [00:20:35]:
I mean, there’s always a reason.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:20:36]:
I don’t want to have sex when your mother’s in the house.
George Faller [00:20:39]:
Well, you know, she went to the store, didn’t she, for like two hours. She went to Costco and what?
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:20:44]:
Yeah, the middle of the day when I had, like, work to do and stuff to pick up the kids.
George Faller [00:20:49]:
Right. Again, there’s always an excuse.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:20:51]:
All right, so good interruption.
George Faller [00:20:55]:
You see how we. We’re just going to spin our wheels around this conversation, right? Lori has great. Maria has great reasons why she’s interrupting because she’s trying to, you know, defend herself. And yet the timing is. It stops me from going any further. It stops her from understanding what is the problem for me and my perspective in the first place.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:21:16]:
Exactly.
George Faller [00:21:18]:
Good intent, bad impact.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:21:20]:
Yep. It makes sense that she wants to defend herself. She does have reasons. You know, she. She’s feeling something on the inside, maybe blamed, maybe not enough. You know, there’s all these things going on internally, emotionally that interrupts her being able to listen. And then she just, boom, you know, blasts him. Doesn’t even let him complete his thought.
George Faller [00:21:43]:
Yeah. And at some point, it’d be great to understand what would be like having sex when your mother in law’s around. And, like, there’s. There’s some real blocks there. There’s some good things to understand within Lori. But again, this, if she’s trying to introduce that now, it’s probably the wrong timing for me because I’m taking a risk to kind of step forward here.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:22:03]:
Yep. Okay. Let’s do it the right way. I’m going to hold on to those thoughts, those feelings, invite curiosity into this conversation.
George Faller [00:22:13]:
Yeah. In the sexual cycle, Marie is going to have to catch some of these intrapsychic interruptions that are going to want to say, hey, what about this? And just like, imagine, like honoring it, but not giving it the microphone. I mean, that’s all we all got to learn to do in our relationships. Those parts of us come forward, we say, know what you’re trying to do? You’re trying to protect me. I just want you to stand aside for a moment because I just want to understand more about my partner. That’s just good Habits to develop in relationships.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:22:44]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:22:45]:
So. All right. So, Marie, I was hoping, you know, we could talk about our love life because, you know, I know things have been crazy busy, but, you know, we haven’t had sex in a week. And, you know, that’s. That’s hard.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:23:02]:
Yeah, and you’re right. We haven’t. And you’re right. We’ve been crazy busy. And what. What gets so hard for you, honey, when we haven’t had sex in, like, a week?
George Faller [00:23:16]:
Well, it’s. I mean, as you know, it’s my main way of connecting. It’s just kind of all the work that we do, all the craziness like that. Those are the moments I’m like, all right, we’re good. The world’s good. Like, everything just falls back into place. Like, there’s. There’s.
George Faller [00:23:34]:
There’s just something grounding about when we’re intimate. It’s. You know, I. I know in the past that our fights. You think it’s about the orgasm. I like orgasms, but that’s. I don’t think the main driver. It’s just, like, I feel grounded, and when I don’t get that, I feel like we’re off.
George Faller [00:23:52]:
I find myself get more irritable and snappy and. And you do. And it’s like we’re doing all this work and, like, I feel lonely.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:24:05]:
I didn’t know that. I didn’t know that. All the busy work and stuff. You feel so disconnected and lonely over there sometimes. I know we’ve had bad fights about this, and I’ve certainly thrown that at you. All you want is, you know, to get off and. But I’ve never really heard you say that. That you actually feel lonely when we’re just going through the grind and then we’re not sexual because you.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:24:35]:
I think what you said was, like, the world even feels better. There’s more hope for you in the world when you have sex and you feel hopeful about us. That’s nice.
George Faller [00:24:47]:
Yeah.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:24:48]:
That feels good.
George Faller [00:24:49]:
I appreciate you giving me this space because I know we’re busy and I could extend it. I’m like, that’s no big deal. The next day. It’s the next day. But as they mount, it gets harder to stop the tapes. That saying, it’s not so important to you. Like, maybe I’m not that attracted to you anymore. Like, it’s hard to stop those tapes when I start feeling further and further away from you.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:25:16]:
So. So you go through a bad thing, too. Like, you think I’m not attractive to you, attracted to You.
George Faller [00:25:25]:
Yeah. Again, I know that’s the beautiful thing where we have sex. I know you enjoy it and you like it, too. And, like, we’re back. I am attractive. I am safe. I’m the man again. Like, it just feels so good when.
George Faller [00:25:39]:
And when I don’t, I start to think, like, we can go a month, maybe six months. Or maybe we become one of those couples who don’t have sex. Like, who knows what could happen? Like, it’s just hard to stop those fears from popping into my head.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:25:52]:
Yeah. It, like, blows up inside all this fear. It’s not just going to be a week or a couple more days. It’s going to be forever. We’re going to be sexless. Yeah. It makes sense to me then why you get mad at me when you. This is blowing up inside you.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:26:07]:
Like, you could become sexless. My God.
George Faller [00:26:11]:
Yeah, That’s. That’s, like my nightmare scenario.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:26:14]:
Yeah. Yeah, for sure. And I get that. And I, you know, I just. I’m. I’m glad you brought it to me. And this feels like a different conversation. I certainly want to reassure you that I think you’re attractive and sex is important to me.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:26:30]:
I. I know I need to reprioritize it because all these other needs crowd me. And I. I don’t feel as sexual when I have all these things tugging at me. But I appreciate you bringing it this way. I can see it a little bit better. Especially the part where you just think we’re gonna become sexless. Like, what? We’re young, we’re hot.
George Faller [00:26:56]:
Right?
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:26:56]:
Let’s become sexless.
George Faller [00:26:58]:
Let’s prove that wrong. Let’s go. Come on. We got a couple minutes.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:27:02]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:27:03]:
All right.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:27:04]:
So how did that feel for Joey?
George Faller [00:27:06]:
It feels great. As Joey, it really feels like. It really feels like you kept your focus on me and you were curious about. You wanted to know more about me in this place that I don’t really know about myself because I never really talk about. If every time I try to talk about this place, I get interrupted and we get into a negative cycle. It’s like I don’t even know me in that vulnerable place. Right. So when you can stay on mission and keep those parts of you back from interrupting it really, I felt, like, understood in a way I haven’t felt understood before.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:27:38]:
Yeah. And I think what he said. There were so many sweet, intimate parts about how he experiences sexual. You know, he does feel like it makes his world. Right. It makes them feel connected and it, you know, soothes this part and then that sort of Catastrophic thinking that he goes through and that he’s lonely over there. I mean, all of that was. I would have felt, you know, if I were Maria, like, warmer toward him.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:28:05]:
Like he’s really opening up and sharing about what goes on with him. And I just think, you know, when you give space, especially for maybe a typical male sexual pursuer, but emotional withdrawer, you know, this is where it kind of blends. And he starts talking about his heart in sex, which is, I think, what women often need to turn on. So, you know, not interrupting, staying curious, managing that peace inside. Maria, me, you know, that, like, feels upset, feels blame, feels whatever. It’s like, you know, this didn’t take but 4 minutes, 5 minutes to have the conversation, and already there’s better feelings. Joey’s softer. I love it.
George Faller [00:28:52]:
Four to five minutes is all it takes, right, Laurie?
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:28:55]:
That’s the average joke.
George Faller [00:28:57]:
Yeah. So I do want to highlight what’s important that Laurie’s saying. It’s like, it is not just a gift when you can keep your focus and not interrupt for the partner. It brings out the best side of Maria. Right. It allows her empathy. It allows her to kind of show up in a way that she normally don’t get a chance to show up. She likes how she feels, seeing Joey’s vulnerability.
George Faller [00:29:20]:
So again, it’s a double win situation. I get to get clear about myself and get to be known in these places of more vulnerability. And Maria gets to show up for me and give me success. And now I’m having success in a conversation around sex. She’s having success in a conversation around sex. This is normally what never happens when we allow the interruptions to deralis.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:29:42]:
Yeah, exactly. And again, I also think Joey was not blaming. You know, he brought it to her in a pretty gentle way. You know, there was. There was a clear focus. He was trying to share something. He wasn’t. You know, his tone was really soft.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:29:59]:
His tone wasn’t angry. It was. It was great.
George Faller [00:30:03]:
Nice. Well, we hope you get the importance of interruptions. Like, the information that they’re trying to introduce is super important. And again, you have to figure out the timing of when you’re going to talk about it. So when you go home today, think about these internal interruptions, how quick they come for us when our partner’s talking or when we’re talking and in our conversation. Right. Because the negative cycle wants to pull both of you into your moves, into your roles. And interruption is the main tool it uses to get there.
George Faller [00:30:38]:
So couples who are paying attention to interruptions get the mistrust that’s coming, but really focus on the timing of when to do it. Thumbs up, baby.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:30:48]:
Thumbs up. Thanks for listening.
George Faller [00:30:51]:
Keep it hot, y’all.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:30:52]:
So here’s a homework tip, George. Take it away.
George Faller [00:30:56]:
So when you’re having a conversation, I want you to make a little list of maybe some of these interpsychic kind of interruptions that come for you. Your ability to name it and catch it and write those down is the first step to changing that. And the second thing is when you do actually interrupt a conversation with your partner talking, I want you to kind of apologize for that. Say, hey, I had good reasons, but I’m sorry, the timing was wrong. If you can catch it and you can say you’re sorry for it, you’re starting to see the impact, which is a game changer. Big change. Thanks.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:31:28]:
So some of you are interested in our work. We want to tell you where we are, what we’re doing. First thing is our couples retreat coming up in October. Right, George?
George Faller [00:31:39]:
October 4th. Yes. Online. This is a chance to just spend a little time with your partner. We guarantee you’re going to kind of come out of that training with more things to talk about sexually.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:31:50]:
Yep. And we’ve got an early bird special right now, so take us up on it and join us for a day of talking about sex.
George Faller [00:31:57]:
And for therapists, we have two trainings coming up. We have one in September 18 to 20 in Las Vegas, where Lori and I will just be kind of brainstorming and really pushing the leading edges of kind of EFT and the sexual cycle. We’re excited about that. And then in January 23rd to 25th, we’re coming to Nashville in person to do three days of really kind of breaking down this process. And again, I think this should be mandatory for all therapists to just kind of have more confidence in knowing what to do and work with the sexual cycle.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:32:29]:
Yeah, we’ve already had lots of signups for that, by the way, George, people are also taking advantage of that early bird special. You know, we want supervisors to come. We’re giving half off to the supervisors. So please join us so that we can kind of get on the same page and understand and develop EFT further. There’s going to be two days of lecture and exercises, and then a day maybe with a live and, you know, working on your tapes and your stuck places. And we’re going to go down to the Honky Tonk and have dinner together and have some fun.
George Faller [00:33:03]:
Have some fun.
Dr. Laurie Watson [00:33:04]:
Have some fun. Yeehaw.
George Faller [00:33:06]:
Yeehaw. And for all you listeners. Again, if you have a community and you want Laurie and I to come out and give a specialized training on sex and again, I think this is so important for anybody seeing couples. Then you know, reach out to us and let’s continue to spread this message. Yeehaw. Call in your questions to the Foreplay question voicemail. Dial 833M.Y. 4Play.
George Faller [00:33:29]:
That’s 833M.Y. The number 4Play and we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purpose purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by Foreplay Media.
Quince ad [00:33:46]:
Ooh cozy Quince. You guys, I’m so excited that it’s the holidays. I get to wear my cashmere sweater and my satin skirt which is going to make me feel so dressed up, so sexy. But it’s comfortable. I love this. My favorite thing ever is this taupe colored Mongolian cashmere sweater from Quince. It was only 50 bucks. About 50 bucks.
Quince ad [00:34:06]:
I mean it’s so great and we get such good quality because you know why? They cut out the middleman which passes the savings on to us. They only use safe, ethical and responsible manufacturing practices. So of course we get the savings and we also get those premier fabrics and finishes for that luxurious feel in every piece. Their wardrobe right now includes beautiful leather jackets, cotton cardigans, soft denims and so much more. I have been so ready for a wardrobe change and this is really the way to do it with cozy clothes from Quince. Get cozy in Quince’s high quality wardrobe essentials. Go to quince.comforeplay for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That’s Q U I N C E.com foreplay to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com/foreplay.
June’s Journey Ad [00:35:03]:
The search for truth never ends. Introducing June’s Journey, a hidden object mobile game with a captivating story. Connect with friends, explore the Roaring twenties and enjoy thrilling activities and challenges while supporting environmental causes. After seven years, the adventure continues with our Immersive Travels feature. Explore distant cultures and engage in exciting experiences. There’s always something new to discover. Are you ready? Download June’s Journey now on Android or iOS.