Today’s episode is our final lesson from our ‘School of Love’ series and we are talking all about secure love and how to maintain it. At this point, we’ve identified the negative emotional and sexual cycle, the role you take on in the cycle and how to slow it down. At the heart of the negative cycle is unmet needs and the creation of the positive cycle is centered on these needs being met. Great couples are great at repairing. The positive cycle isn’t about perfection rather quick and meaningful repair when we get it wrong. These new experiences continue to confirm secure love. Where the cycle once caused chronic disconnection there is now regular, anticipated connection.
Join hosts, George and Laurie for ideas on rituals you can do in your relationship for connection, how to be more intentional and solidify the positive cycle. Keep it secure and hot y’all!
Check out this episode’s sponsors (and help the pod!):
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Transcript
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Speaker D [00:01:37]:
The following content is not suitable for.
Laurie Watson [00:01:39]:
Children welcome to the School of Love.
George Faller [00:01:41]:
Let’s do it. Our chance to break down the therapy process so you can do it at home without a therapist.
Laurie Watson [00:01:49]:
This is it George. This is our last day of school. We are going to talk to people about how to consolidate, how to make sense of all of this and how to go forward now with each other that they are have secure love. We are so excited that you’ve stuck with us and get ready for your last day of school.
Speaker G [00:02:12]:
Welcome to Foreplay sex therapy.
Laurie Watson [00:02:14]:
I’m Dr. Lori Watson, your sex therapist.
George Faller [00:02:16]:
And I’m George Fallow, your couples therapist.
Speaker G [00:02:19]:
We are here to talk about sex.
George Faller [00:02:21]:
Our mission is to help couples talk about sex in ways that incorporate Their body, their mind, and their hearts.
Laurie Watson [00:02:29]:
And we have a little bit of fun doing it. Right.
George Faller [00:02:30]:
Giving listen and let’s change some relationships. We all need to take a rest, right, Laurie?
Laurie Watson [00:02:37]:
Oh, yeah. This is exciting, though, because this is the way forward. When people get to this point and they’ve had all these conversations, you know, they should be ready to rock and roll their life. And so we’re excited to have taken you through this whole process.
George Faller [00:02:54]:
Exactly. And our hope is that we take some of the mystery out of love. It’s not this mysterious mixture of sex and sentiment that we fall into and we fall out of. Right. It’s. There’s science, like there’s things looking for, and when we get it, it works. And when we don’t, we protect ourselves. And so that’s, that’s our hope, is to help couples who feel lost and confused and stuck and you know, that there’s a way out, there’s a map, there’s a process.
George Faller [00:03:21]:
And hopefully the school of love is kind of helped make that process clearer.
Laurie Watson [00:03:27]:
Exactly. Exactly. So let’s celebrate. Celebrating and invite you to again in January. If you’re an EFT therapist. We’re in Nashville live. We are in Arkansas in February. Please look us up on our website.
Laurie Watson [00:03:43]:
We’ll have all of those listings there. And again, we thank the patrons who have supported us and who have recently joined us. And please join us on this mission to help others. We do a lot of work behind the scenes and it just. This really helps us.
George Faller [00:04:00]:
It makes a big difference. It really does.
Laurie Watson [00:04:02]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:04:03]:
All right.
Laurie Watson [00:04:03]:
Okay.
George Faller [00:04:03]:
So here we are. Lori. We’ve helped couples through all these weeks identify their negative cycles in both the emotional cycle and the sexual cycle. They switch positions of the same position, but regardless, they’re all defending themselves. And when we defend ourselves, we don’t get our needs met. That’s. That’s the heart of a negative cycle is unmet needs. Right.
George Faller [00:04:26]:
There’s no safety. You got to protect yourself. You’re not getting what you need.
Laurie Watson [00:04:30]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:04:31]:
You learn how to do it differently, how to redeem those negative cycles, to create positive cycles, to create these bonding moments, these limbic revisions, right. Where you can ask for help instead of needing to protect yourself with anger or going away fight or flight responses. Right? So instead creation of positive cycles, that is the repair. That’s the key. There’s anything we’re teaching in all these podcasts, it’s really to help couples learn how to repair. Right. And once they ask for help, we’re not done. This is this last Part this consolidation, this solidifying of the positive cycle.
George Faller [00:05:07]:
Right. Really wanting to see that the couple gets more reps, more practice. Right. What we call test the content. Right. Instead of, you know, all these issues, sex, money, kids in laws, you know, lead into negative cycles. Now that you have a positive cycle, let’s test it. Let’s talk about all the stuff and let’s see that this couple can start dealing with this stuff in a different way.
George Faller [00:05:28]:
Right. We’re always going to step on each other’s toes, but we want to see this ability to repair, getting stronger and stronger.
Laurie Watson [00:05:36]:
Exactly. And it’s, I think what is, you know, people go to therapy, George, because they want to have some therapists fix the way they deal with their children, or they want to have a therapist fix, you know, something in the bedroom, or they want to have a therapist teach them communication techniques or something. But this actually, at this stage, you can fix all these things because you have the skills, you have the way to be with each other. You’re curious about each other’s perspective. And so that curiosity opens doors. Like now you can lay it all out on the table and you can understand feelings and so. Great.
George Faller [00:06:15]:
Yeah. And we want that intentional shift, Right. To focus more on the positive. A lot of times people don’t have a lot of practice talking about what’s working. They just say, oh, it’s good. No, no, let’s, let’s, let’s be just as curious about these good emotions as we are about these negative emotions. Right. So many people have hundreds of words for fear, lonely, discouraged, depressed, and then they don’t have anything to talk about.
George Faller [00:06:39]:
Good. So this is also another moment like find more your words when you do feel seen. What is that like when you have your partner’s interest, when you get your partner’s touch. Right. Do you feel lighter? Do you feel warmer? Do you feel more relaxed? We’re looking for couples who learn to find words for the positive, have such a more resilient relationship.
Laurie Watson [00:07:01]:
Yeah, that’s so true.
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Laurie Watson [00:07:19]:
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Laurie Watson [00:07:29]:
But I’m so excited and I Am.
Speaker G [00:07:31]:
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Laurie Watson [00:07:34]:
Holidays because I’m going to where it’s.
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Laurie Watson [00:08:18]:
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Laurie Watson [00:08:49]:
You learn to ask for what you need from each other that you know they can deliver. This has been a rough season in my life, and I find myself asking my husband, can you just hug me? Hold me tight? Literally hold me tight. And, you know, he’s been doing it, and it’s like I put my head to his chest. I listened to his heartbeat. It’s just middle of the day. And. And he’s been coming up to me and saying, you know, can I hold you?
Speaker G [00:09:15]:
Do you need a hug?
Laurie Watson [00:09:16]:
And just because he can feel the frayed part of me and it feels so safe, you know, And I think I told this recently, too, on another episode, but we were having a conversation in a place that we often get triggered, and that’s our finances, not because we don’t have enough money, but because the organization of it has been difficult. And, you know, I came up with this brilliant solution. Let’s hire a bookkeeper so we don’t ever have to have these conversations. And my husband freaked out even more. I’m like, I don’t get it. I don’t get it. But he came back to me and he said, you know, because he’s a finance guy, he’s like, I feel like if we did that, that you wouldn’t need me. And it was, like, so vulnerable.
Laurie Watson [00:10:00]:
Like, this is why he was upset and what he was feeling underneath all of that. And to me, that’s the. The security Right. He’s beginning to tell me all the, like, what lies below that triggers him. And. And I feel like that ability to ask is just proof of how much, you know, how secure we feel. So it’s been also a tough experience.
George Faller [00:10:24]:
For the gratitude of that. Right. You can put words to how special that feels. I mean, it’s the anticipation. Just like our bodies learn to expect negative things and we start to protect ourselves even before we say anything. The same thing happens when we feel safe. You start to expect your partner is going to show up for you. I mean, what.
George Faller [00:10:43]:
What. How awesome is that to just trust that your needs matter enough that somebody else is going to swoop in and come when you ask for help? Like, to trust in that is so special and so important. And I think that’s why I always go to the word just. It’s. I can feel the gratitude in that. Right. You just feel blessed, you feel lucky, you feel, you know, safe. All of these words that are, we’re hoping, couples listening.
George Faller [00:11:09]:
Like, when you feel that way, it’s not enough to feel it, like, express that. It’s such a gift, your partner, to say, like, your love is so important that it can take my nervous system from a place of anxiety to a place of relaxation. Are you listening to Derek’s heart as you’re kind of soaking into his body?
Laurie Watson [00:11:29]:
Right.
George Faller [00:11:30]:
It’s. It’s just. It’s a win for both. And that’s the beauty of a positive cycle. It’s a win for both. Just like a negative cycle is a loss for both, a positive cycle is a win for both. Only the person who is a person who gives.
Laurie Watson [00:11:43]:
Yeah. So true. Yeah. I think, you know, in the past, my husband would feel like, you know, I. I don’t know how to calm you down. Like, sometimes you go talk to a girlfriend and you seem so much calmer than when you talk to me. And. But, you know, now, like, we know we know how to calm each other down, you know, And I think it’s like going through this season right now without feeling that deep, secure love with him would have been really rough, but I think that it’s so much better, you know, And I think before maybe he would have hid his fears and feelings, but.
Laurie Watson [00:12:24]:
But now he’s letting them all out so good. And even though it’s like, yeah, I get to see the places that he feels weak, but it. It feels intimate to me, you know, to know all of that.
George Faller [00:12:37]:
Hooray.
Laurie Watson [00:12:38]:
Hooray. Yeah.
George Faller [00:12:41]:
I mean, it’s cool to see that even in the struggles. Like, you can become stronger together. I mean, that’s the opportunity in the struggles.
Laurie Watson [00:12:49]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:12:50]:
This is where we are just being intentional. We want to see that couples, you’ve done all this work to create this safety and security. Don’t take it for granted. I mean, that’s the problem. So many of us want to give our relationship what’s left over at the end of the week, but there’s never enough left over. You really got to prioritize. It is bond. It’s the whole damn point.
George Faller [00:13:10]:
So do you start to become clear on it? You need to invest more time doing it. That’s where we talk about attachment rituals. Right, Lori. Like, doing things symbolically that really tell each person how important you are and the bond is. So maybe.
Laurie Watson [00:13:24]:
Exactly.
George Faller [00:13:25]:
Walker. It’s coffee in the morning or it’s writing a letter to each other. It’s certainly hellos and goodbyes. Right? Like, these things become more meaningful when you’re always paying attention to the emotional bond.
Laurie Watson [00:13:37]:
Kisses, hellos, and goodbyes.
George Faller [00:13:41]:
I was always in a rush. I never really thought about it. I took it for granted. Like, it is amazing. Just something as simple as when you greet each other or you leave each other, you give a kiss or a hug, you look in each other in the eyes, and just how much that really matters. It just builds goodwill. It fills the tank up when the stresses come. We got a little bit more resourcing because we’ve done all these little interactions that let each other know, we’re good, we’re good, we’re good, we’re good.
Laurie Watson [00:14:07]:
Mm. Yeah. I love that. Because being intentional about how we build our lives, that. That helps us as human beings, right. To feel regulated. That’s why we have holidays and we celebrate rituals, and, you know, we. We think about things that are bigger than ourselves because this grounds us.
Laurie Watson [00:14:28]:
And as a couple, we need to do that too. Like, what are we creating? And. And how do we mark that? With really intentional, specific things? What. What do you. Maybe we come back and I want to know what you guys do for your rituals and how you’re intentional about that. And I’ll tell you mine too. Okay.
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Laurie Watson [00:14:53]:
It’s more that I hate to waste money.
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Is a perfect time to get organized.
Speaker G [00:14:58]:
Set your goals, prioritize what matters to you. And for me, really, one of my goals in the new year is always financial wellness. You know, I want to see where my money’s at and where I really want to put It.
Laurie Watson [00:15:11]:
And of course, my hope is that.
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Laurie Watson [00:17:12]:
Okay. As we help people reinforce their love for each other, their positive cycle, their security. You know, we gotta get some rituals down and some. Some ways that help. And I. I kind of think about it, right, as daily things and. And maybe quarterly or yearly things that they do together.
George Faller [00:17:33]:
Yeah, vacation’s always nice. But again, these are less. They’re more haphazard, just sprinkled throughout our lives.
Laurie Watson [00:17:40]:
It’s.
George Faller [00:17:40]:
We’re looking for things. So me and my wife, the thing that I like that we started to do like a year ago is, is take a walk after dinner. And how we started it was. She was like, you know, it really is healthier for you. Instead of just laying down and going on your computer to just kind of move around, that’s 20 minutes. So it started off, that is the reason. But, you know, I actually looked forward to that walk. You know, all day they just say, right, listen, this is our chance to check in with each other.
George Faller [00:18:10]:
This is our chance to really kind of see how the day, you know, some of the struggles, celebrate some of the victories, just, just to kind of get on the same page. And that it’s so built in, like a workout. It’s like your body gets used to it. Right. It’s easier to start accessing those longings. So, you know, that’s, that’s like a standard part of my day when we’re.
Laurie Watson [00:18:33]:
I love it that actually we have talked about doing that and we’ve done it a couple of times, but we haven’t yet formalized it. Now my husband and I, we, we do get together in the morning and I’m usually drinking coffee and he’s drinking tea and you know, we just have kind of a. About 15 minutes because neither of us are able to take much longer than that, but we have a little bit of a check in. And what does your day look like? And I mean, to me, that is such a great way to start the day. Such a great way.
George Faller [00:19:06]:
Yeah, it’s a beautiful way, right?
Laurie Watson [00:19:07]:
Yeah.
George Faller [00:19:09]:
You’re grounded. The world’s a safer place when you’re grounded.
Laurie Watson [00:19:13]:
It is a safer place. It is a safer place. Yeah. And I would say sexually, Saturday mornings are morning, you know, like. Well, it doesn’t have to be. That’s our only time. But I know I can count on that time because Saturday morning, you know, Friday night, I don’t know, I’m just. I’m fried from the week.
Laurie Watson [00:19:37]:
And he’s fried. And maybe we go out to dinner, but going out to dinner and having sex afterwards is not necessarily a great formula, you know, because you’re too full. Maybe if you had something to drink, forget about it, you’re out, you know. But Saturday morning, it’s like you’ve had the rest. And you know, and I know, George, you’re going to tease me that I’m old for saying that, but it is better in the morning. For me, it’s better in the morning. And then it’s like, then we make love and we’re all connected all day long and we go into Saturday night.
Speaker G [00:20:11]:
Options are open.
Laurie Watson [00:20:12]:
Options are on the table. But it’s like we’re already connected.
George Faller [00:20:18]:
Yeah, that’s that afterglow, right? That’s the power of the afterglow. That’s what we’re trying to build in that afterglow. Give yourself these opportunities to be intentional about the importance of your emotional mind. When you start to do it, you. It just. It creates that stability throughout the rest of the day. I mean, my wife, another thing I. I really look forward to.
George Faller [00:20:39]:
To going to church in the morning on Sundays, I think I’ve done. But I never, you know, whatever the reasons, guilt. But, like, when you do it from a place of consolidation, it’s like, all right, we just come together to be part of something bigger, like that. That process of going and kneeling down together, kind of singing together, saying goodbye together. Like, again, it just. It’s getting these invisible kind of weaves that are just kind of bonding people together. And that’s. That’s the importance of attachment rituals.
George Faller [00:21:10]:
It’s just things that you do together that are. Are weaving you both together with each other, which is.
Laurie Watson [00:21:19]:
And. And I. I love that, because even if you’re not religious, I. I think the act of being humble together, you know, sort of giving up control, knowing that you’re part of something else and you’re doing it together, you know, that. That is really lovely.
George Faller [00:21:40]:
Hard to give up control.
Laurie Watson [00:21:42]:
Hard. Hard to give up control. For sure. I think I need to go back to church.
George Faller [00:21:50]:
Again. Some people find it in nature, right? Just walking in nature, where they can just be together, being exposed to just letting go of the stresses of the world. There’s no right or wrong way. You know, it could be formalized, like going to a synagogue. It could be in nature, whatever works. But really try to intentionally find some time where you can disconnect from the noise and plug into each other and really let each other know in clear ways that this is sacred time. This is our time together that fills us up, and we both look forward to it. You get interest, you get high levels of engagement, and without it, you know, we start to put the bond at risk.
Laurie Watson [00:22:31]:
And I think that, you know, that act alone, if anything, that you are doing together. I think especially in this realm, I mean, you’re talking about things afterwards, about themes and, like, the bigger picture of your lives and what are we doing and where do we fit into this and what is our mission together? I mean, all of that is. Is so good. I also want to mention, you know, I think that kind of the celebration of dates. You know, the first date, the first date that you went out, that anniversary, and certainly your wedding anniversaries. I think for some people, birthdays are really important. Holidays are important. My daughter in law, who I.
Laurie Watson [00:23:19]:
My first daughter in law, her love language is gifts. And you know, I, I never really thought about that, but I actually am a gift giver. Like, I love to give gifts. And so I’m always out and about seeing little things that she would want. And, you know, they’re young and my son is like, it’s her birthday. It’s like, yeah, and today is her birthday. Like, you needed to think about this two weeks ago to have the gift ready, you know, but he’s got a lot of learning to do. But yeah, I mean, I think paying attention to being thoughtful about that and maybe making it explicit on your own calendar, like, how do I remember these things with enough warning, you know, if that’s, if that’s really important to my partner.
Laurie Watson [00:24:06]:
And I think it is important to our love to make a big deal about anniversaries and things. Of course, I’m a pursuer, so maybe, I don’t know, as a withdrawer. What do you think, George?
George Faller [00:24:17]:
No, I think you’re right. It’s about levels of engagement, right? So I’m not big into Halloween. I like how I come to a party, but my wife loves carving up the pumpkins and doing the cookies and like, it’s important for her. So if I want to be close to her, I gotta get excited about it, about things she’s excited about. Right? So I think that’s what’s great about couples. You grow each other, you complement each other. Like, you can find engagement in things you normally wouldn’t because you’re part of something bigger than yourself. So at this point in the school of love, we’re really wanting couples to.
George Faller [00:24:53]:
To be more intentional. You’ve done all this work to get to a better place. If you just rest on your laurels, you’re going to start slipping away. You gotta keep working at it. You gotta keep investing. There’s no shortcut to that. And I think couples that get to this point, they, they see the value. It’s like working out.
George Faller [00:25:11]:
I don’t work out. I know what’s gonna happen to my health. Like, it’s not enough. It’s gonna always work out. That’s, that’s. This is the emotional workout that you never stop doing that you’ve gotta keep investing in.
Laurie Watson [00:25:22]:
Exactly. Exactly.
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Laurie Watson [00:26:13]:
And it’s, it’s little bit by little bit, right? I, I probably, you know, I used to do a couple retreats and the last day I had the men go out and buy gifts. And then we put it up blindly so that the wives didn’t know what their husbands bought and then they would go ahead and kind of rank what they liked. And the thing that always won was the collection of things. You know, it was like a pair of knit gloves, it was a little bit of, it was a candy bar, it was a card. It was like one man, almost always, if not multiple men did this where they would, you know, buy with, we set a, I think it was a $50 limit and just go, go buy a gift. And women responded to the little gifts. Like, I mean it’s the thoughtfulness, it’s knowing that your partner is out and about and caring for you. And so I, I don’t know, I just like, it’s, to me, it’s something that you, you mark down.
Laurie Watson [00:27:16]:
I’m going to do this just like you would take care of a client, you know, you, your client tickets to the game or, you know, you’re always thinking ahead about how to foster that business relationship. And it’s sort of the same thing, I think in a marital relationship. How do you foster it?
George Faller [00:27:33]:
Amen. It’s usually.
Laurie Watson [00:27:35]:
And how do we, how do we foster it sexually? Right? I mean too, I think when, when we’re sexually secure, we can become creative. It’s like, okay, it’s, it’s a winter night and I got the pillows in the bed by the fire, you know, ready to go. And it’s like we’re gonna cuddle, probably make love and have a glass of wine. And I’m doing that tonight. Okay. I need that tonight. I’m absolutely doing that tonight.
George Faller [00:28:02]:
And it’s, it’s nice to integrate inside and outside the bedroom. Right? So to be able to celebrate, hey, you know, the love has been make. It has just been amazing. I feel so lucky to be with you. Right. I’m not asking to have sex now. I’m just acknowledging, you know, telling your partner, you’re both doing it right? You’re doing it well. It’s, it’s.
George Faller [00:28:23]:
We’re all good without any asks. I mean, these, this. These are those liberating moments that just continue to make both partners feel pretty, pretty damn good about each other. It’s also at this point, Lori, like in therapy where, you know, as we start to get ready for the couple to no longer need us, right. They can repair outside a session. They, you know, it’s always okay to come back in and get a tune up. That’s a sign of intelligence. Right.
George Faller [00:28:50]:
It’s like you start to get in the negative cycle. We all do. You can get the help you need it. But I usually will encourage my couples. All right, I want you as homework assignment. And maybe our listeners can do this. Like, can you write down your negative cycle? The good reasons you fall into these patterns. Pursue, which are emotionally, sexually.
George Faller [00:29:09]:
And then the second thing is, how are you able to create the positive cycle? What do. What are both of your new moves that lead to both you feeling connected instead of feeling disconnected? Right. To really be able to articulate this isn’t just a roller coaster ride. It’s like it’s because of things you’re doing or not doing. So couples that know their negative cycle and know their positive cycle. I feel really comfortable like, we’ve given you the school of love map. This isn’t a mystery anymore. You’re going to come up short and fall, but you can now repair.
George Faller [00:29:41]:
The most important thing for a couple is that ability to repair. I want to know. You got it. High five. You got it. Mission accomplished.
Laurie Watson [00:29:49]:
Awesome. Absolutely. So we’re talking about installing, keeping, reinforcing the positive work that you’ve done with rituals, time rituals, sex rituals, celebration, all of that to really keep the two of you on the right track of being with each other, reinforcing that you’re getting it right, giving each other that success. You know, for all the work that you’ve done that helps keep it going, I think the beautiful thing about a positive cycle is it can be as powerful as a negative cycle. We don’t want to lose it, and so we keep it going. It’s like our body says, let’s keep feeling good. What do I need to do?
George Faller [00:30:39]:
I would say it’s even more powerful. Amen to that being connection. So when it’s doing it, it is just where we’re supposed to be.
Speaker G [00:30:48]:
Yeah.
Laurie Watson [00:30:49]:
Yeah. Awesome. Okay. Thanks for being with us in this school of love. We appreciate it. And we’re going to keep going with the podcast and onto some other things as well.
George Faller [00:31:01]:
Keep it hot, y’. All.
Laurie Watson [00:31:02]:
So some of you are interested in our work. We want to tell you where we are, what we’re doing.
George Faller [00:31:07]:
In January 23rd to 25th, we’re coming to Nashville in person to do three days of really kind of breaking down this process. And again, I think this should be mandatory for all therapists to just kind of have more confidence in knowing what to do and work with the sexual cycle.
Laurie Watson [00:31:23]:
Yeah, we’ve already had lots of signups for that. By the way, George, people are also taking advantage of that early bird special. You know, we want supervisors to come. We’re giving half off to the supervisors. So please join us so that we can kind of get on the same page and understand and develop eft further. There’s going to be two days of lecture and exercises and then a day maybe with a live and, you know, working on your tapes and you’re stuck to places and we’re gonna go down to the Honky Tonk and have dinner together and have some fun.
George Faller [00:31:56]:
Have some fun.
Laurie Watson [00:31:57]:
Have some fun. Yeehaw.
George Faller [00:31:59]:
Yeehaw. And for all you listeners, again, if you have a community and you want Laurie and I to come out and give a specialized training on sex, and again, I think this is so important for anybody seeing couples, then, you know, reach out to us and let’s continue to spread this message. Yeehaw.
Speaker D [00:32:18]:
Call in your questions to the four play question. Voicemail. Dial 833-MY-4 PLAY. That’s 833-MY-THE- NUMBER-OUR PLAY. And we’ll use the questions for our mailbag episodes. All content is for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor. This podcast is copyrighted by Foreplay Media.
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Laurie Watson [00:33:55]:
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