The erogenous zones and beyond. Talking about how to get your lover hot!

Episode 6: Boobs, Butts, and Bulges

TRANSCRIPT:

Laurie Watson: Hi, welcome to Foreplay. This is Laurie Watson, sex therapist and author. And I’m here with psychotherapist, Tony Delmedico. Foreplay Radio, Sex Therapy, we’re going to talk about all things sexual and intimate and how you can get the most out of your sex life.

Tony Delmedico:  You can check us out on the web at ForeplayRST.com. Visit us and send us an email if you’d like. Laurie, where will Foreplay lead us today?

Laurie Watson: Okay, this is Tony’s topic, I got to say. And we’re going to talk today about boobs, butts and bulges. It’s going to be erogenous.

Tony Delmedico: It’s fun just to say out loud, boobs, butts and bulges.

Laurie Watson: Boobs, butts and bulges. Yeah, you’re right. So, okay, you start. What about boobs, and butts, and bulges?

Tony Delmedico: I think what brought the topic to mind, particularly for couples that have been in relationship for a while. Foreplay gets shortened. We had a whole episode on kissing and how we want more presence in the kissing. And it seems like in Foreplay and in sex, we get very goal directed. We focus on the boobs, the butts, and the bulges and then just get right to intercourse. And I think at Foreplay Radio, Sex Therapy —

Laurie Watson: First, second, third, and home.

Tony Delmedico: We’re advocating slowing down and really exploring your own body and your partners. And so, I think maybe just exploring what goes on in our bodies and our partners far beyond just the big three.

Laurie Watson: Okay. And that will really help us if we figured out all the erogenous zones and all the other parts of our body that kind of helps us get around those bases faster.

Tony Delmedico: Yeah, I guess. I’m sitting here, I’m imagining the conversations I’ve had with guys through the years. And are you a boob guy? Are you a butt guy? And the conversation really doesn’t go much.

Laurie Watson: There’s a few guys out there, that are, thank God, leg man, for sure. Right?

Tony Delmedico: Leg man, for sure. I’m All About the Bass, a recent popular song. But I think sensuality goes far beyond any of those things. But somehow in our minds and culture we’ve focused in on those three. And I think just opening it up to — giving our listeners, maybe a remembrance of all the other parts that they have, and their partners have that lead to feeling very close and connected and can be very pleasurable and sensuous. So, since I’ve came up with the topic, Laurie, I’m curious to know. What’s come up with you as you were thinking about boobs, and butts, and bulges? I mean, what do women sit around talking about?

Laurie Watson: Well, you know, it’s funny, it wasn’t until I was like thinking about what I wanted to say for a good 15, 20 minutes. I was thinking, bulges. Okay, Tony is going to talk about our mid-life bulges. He wants to talk about our rolls and fat. And it wasn’t until after that I was like, no, no, no. He’s talking about the bulge. That’s the bulge he’s talking about.

Tony Delmedico: The fragile male ego.

Laurie Watson: I was so female, you know, to like totally miss it. Over my head. You know, like where you going with this?

Tony Delmedico: It wasn’t boobs, butts, and muffin tops. It was bulges.

Laurie Watson: I get it. I get it. I say oftentimes that, you know, men like to come up behind a woman in the kitchen and you know, cup her breast. Or bump her with his bulge. And I mean, I think that for him, you know, this is very sexy. And for women, like what you talked about this other erogenous zones and kind of more general arousal is really many times what she needs to get there because she’s not, as we’ve talked about before, instantly sexual. She may not be in a sexual place. I mean, that might work if she was. But most of the time she’s not if she’s cooking dinner.

Tony Delmedico: With little children scrambling at her feet.

Laurie Watson: Lord, those are difficult years. Really tough. So, he thinks about going for broke, first, second, and third often times. And maybe makes the mistake of sexually approaching that way without something a little more subtle.

Tony Delmedico: Yeah, no, I would agree. And I think to get to those other places, we have to, and that’s what we’re advocating with ForeplayRST is slowing down. Just slowing down and trying to create some space to explore each other. Without the goal being the home run or the climax or anything else. But just to enjoy the bodies and our partners bodies that we get a chance to inhabit for a while.

Laurie Watson: Right. I think if he came up behind her and kind of swept her hair away and kiss the back of her neck. That would be sexy.

Tony Delmedico: Back of her neck. So, there’s an erogenous zone.

Laurie Watson: Yeah. It’s back in the neck.

Tony Delmedico: Back of the neck. And some would say the side of the neck, the front of the neck. So, the neck is a very erogenous zone.

Laurie Watson: It’s kind of just sexy when you say that Tony. There’s going to be women calling me.

Tony Delmedico: Where is my Barry White voice when I need it.

Laurie Watson: How do I go see Tony? Yeah.

Tony Delmedico: Operators are standing by.  And I think as we start to think about other parts that are very centrists, I think we’d go to some others that are sort of self-explanatory. I mean, inner thighs are very, very sensitive places.

Laurie Watson: Sure.

Tony Delmedico: The bottom of the bottom there where the cheeks meet the upper thigh or the upper hamstring, very sensitive place. I think for men and for women. Collarbones. The undersides of your arm, upper arm.

Laurie Watson: That’s my husband’s favorite part of a woman is her collarbone. He thinks that’s the most beautiful part of a woman, that I can say on the air.

Tony Delmedico: Good for you. I’m thinking about back in colonial times. I mean, the dress for men were in the knickers that came up above the thigh. And so, excuse me, just below the knee. And so, the shape of a man’s calf was considered very sexy and sensuous.

Laurie Watson: Yeah.

Tony Delmedico: And for some men, certainly the shape of a woman’s leg.

Laurie Watson: Right.

Tony Delmedico: Just the curvature can be very sensuous as well. So, I would encourage you, if you’re listening today to begin the dialogue with your partner. We’ve had other episodes on how to have sex talk or how to have the ongoing continuous sex talk with your partner. And this is just a wonderful, fun topic that you can both bring up. What is the sensuous as part of your body? What do you find sensuous on me? What turns you on when you’re watching the big screen with couples?

Laurie Watson: Right. And we would love to hear from you too. So, please send us your feedback at ForeplayRST at any point. Or questions, we are glad to answer questions. And we know that you have things to teach us and tell us about sex and things that you’d like to hear us talk about.

Tony Delmedico: But hopefully there’ll be a little bit of science behind it too, Laurie.

Laurie Watson: We have to name the parts.

Tony Delmedico: Name the parts. Parts are parts.

Laurie Watson: Are we going to name them with slang? Are we going to name them scientifically? How are we going to? What are we going to use Tony?

Tony Delmedico: Is there a euphemism for nose? Schnoz, nostrils?

Laurie Watson: Yes, see. There’s lots.

Tony Delmedico: I’ve done a little bit of research here. And if you go on WebMD, it will say that the nose is also an erogenous zone. In fact, the nasal passages actually have erectile tissue. When you are aroused things open up and just the nostrils themselves as well. So, it seems like our first nations people are Eskimos. We’re onto something with Eskimo kisses. But you know, even in our episode on kissing, you talked about turning and tilting your head to the side.

Laurie Watson: So, you don’t knock noses.

Tony Delmedico: Yeah. But there is a lot of touching with the nose in addition to the lips and tongues and everything else. So, not overlooking just how sensitive it feels in your own body and in your partners.

Laurie Watson: So, just in terms of the nose as a touch place. Not just as what we use it for our olfactory senses, right?

Tony Delmedico: Yeah. I think it’s in play. I mean, in the whole grand scheme of things, just don’t graze over it.

Laurie Watson: And ear lobes.

Tony Delmedico: Ear lobes are very sensitive. Very sensitive insides of ears, outsides of ears. And again, depending on the person that you’re with and what feels good to them.

Laurie Watson: I have a child though who like, has always had sensitive ears. Don’t touch his ears. You know, growing up I almost said to the girlfriend, don’t ever touch his ears. The hair cutters. Yeah, he didn’t like that. I don’t know. And God willing, I won’t ever know anything more about his ears. But some people are hypersensitive that things we think would be sexy are not so sexy, right?

Tony Delmedico: Oh, for sure. And I think particularly with the couples that come into our consulting rooms, there can be a lot of wounding around one partner wanting to touch a certain part on you. And you having a bad experience from earlier in life and have that really be retraumatizing. And they don’t understand why they can’t grab you and get on top of you if you’ve been pinned down before.

Laurie Watson: Right. Okay. Explain what you mean by wounding? Like how does that wounds? What does that mean?

Tony Delmedico: Well, just like I said, if you were in a situation where you were held down against your will, just the fact that someone is on top of you may trigger that old wound. So, for someone who’s not been held down against their own will, they wouldn’t understand, “Well, what everybody climbs on top. Like, what’s your problem with this? Why do you always have to be on top?”

Laurie Watson: So, their wounding is being rejected?

Tony Delmedico: Yeah, yeah. It’s the wounding of the person that had the old wound.

Laurie Watson: The recreation of a trauma.

Tony Delmedico: And then the person that’s trying to climb on top is going, “Wait, what’s wrong? What am I doing wrong here?” So, he’s feeling shut down. And there’s a second wound that’s being created. And if they can just stop and being to have the conversation that opens up some empathy for what this person is up against. It’s not a simple as, “Wait, you won’t let me on top because you feel uncomfortable. You’ve actually been really mistreated earlier in life. And this is really harder for you.”

Laurie Watson: What happens though? What have you seen when maybe one person really, really, really likes to do something, some act or touch some place? Any other person, no way, that is not acceptable. I mean, that it’s either too sensitive or it doesn’t feel good. You know, one person things its erogenous and sexy and the other person says, “Not for me, thank you very much.”

Tony Delmedico: I think having the conversation outside of the moment. I think, always first and foremost, you have to respect the boundaries that are there whenever they’re put up for whatever reason. So, I think I advocate no is no under any circumstances.

Laurie Watson: Absolutely. Even if you’re married.

Tony Delmedico: Yeah. Especially if you’re married. I mean, well not especially. But just in general. You don’t have a divine right to put yourself in spaces that you’re not welcomed. But I think having the conversation the next day or later on going, you know, what is this for you? Is this just something you haven’t done before? Or is this connected to earlier wounding? And then for that couple, just to have a dialogue around it. And then realize that, you know, you have somebody that has earlier wounding and you’re going to have to have some special care here with her. And get some counseling, get some help if it’s important for both of you. But it actually can be a great gift to that person to say, “I honor that this is hard for you and I’m not going to put you in this uncomfortable position.” It actually creates trust between the two of them. And may open up more intimacy.

Laurie Watson: Right. Well, let’s come back to some of these thoughts and these special places that are erogenous zones next with Foreplay Radio with Tony Delmedico and Laurie Watson. We will be right back.

Commercial: Wanting Sex Again, how to rediscover desire and heal a sexless marriage by certified sex therapist, Laurie Watson. Each chapter is designed to fix one of the problems that caused low libido from early marriage through the childbearing years, even all the way through menopause. I’ve also had men read it and tell me that for them it was the most helpful thing they read about resolving sexual problems. Look for Wanting Sex Again on Amazon.com. You can also talk to Laurie Watson for therapy in person or via Skype. I offer couples counseling and sex therapy and I think about both aspects of the relationship, emotional intimacy, and sexual technique. And that combination together helps marriages be happy. Improve your sex. And improve your relationship with awakening center for couples and intimacy. Find out more at AwakenLoveandSex.com and sign up for their next couples retreat weekend hosted by Laurie Watson. AwakenLoveandSex.com, awaken what’s possible.

Laurie Watson: Okay, welcome back to Foreplay. We are here with Laurie Watson, sex therapist and Tony Delmonico, psychotherapist.

Tony Delmedico: Laurie, today, sorry.

Laurie Watson: Go ahead. No, you go right ahead, Tony.

Tony Delmedico: Today we’re talking about boobs, butts, and bulges.

Laurie Watson: Right, those bulges that I didn’t know what the heck you were talking about.

Tony Delmedico: Not muffin tops.

Laurie Watson: Not muffin tops. We are talking about another bulge, you know. Men often wonder if women observe their bulges. Like do women look?

Tony Delmedico: I think men are looking at other places. I think muffin tops are a woman’s thing. Women are often checking out how women dress far more than men do. I think women dress for women.

Laurie Watson: Yeah, I was saying, I think men wonder if women are looking at the bulge.

Tony Delmedico: Aw, I missed the question. Good question. Do women look at men’s bulges? Not their belly’s and distended livers, right?

Laurie Watson: Right. I essentially think, probably not very openly, unless maybe the woman was very attracted to him and it was a come on. I mean maybe then it’s a sexy look, right? It’s a pointed look so to speak. But I would say most women don’t. Although I’ve had, you know, a few girlfriends who talk about that. That they observed that. But I think men are really self- conscious and they think that they are.

Tony Delmedico: Well, we’ve ventured very quickly into very sensitive male ego territory.

Laurie Watson: Yes.

Tony Delmedico: Does size matter and does the size of the bulge matter? And I think maybe today we’re talking about other erogenous zones. And we should probably leave that for a topic for another day.

Laurie Watson: Okay. We will talk about it.

Tony Delmedico: My sensitive male ego is saying to not swim this way. Inquiring minds do want to know.

Laurie Watson: We need to go somewhere else.

Tony Delmedico: That’s funny.

Laurie Watson: But speaking of the male parts.

Tony Delmedico: The bulge.

Laurie Watson: The bulge. There are a specific parts on the male bulge that are more sensitive and more erogenous than other parts.

Tony Delmedico: This is good information, Laurie. Talk to us.

Laurie Watson: Yeah. Okay. So, I’m going to say some words out loud. But I’m going to use the scientific words. The paramecium, which is actually below the scrotum. This an erogenous because it’s the front side of the prostate gland. And so, sometimes good pressure there can really sort of give him a great erotic feeling. And a lot of women don’t know that. A lot of men don’t know that for that matter.

Tony Delmedico: So, do you mean light pressure or heavy pressure?

Laurie Watson: Pretty firm pressure because it’s through the wall there to get to the prostate gland. But it’s the front side of the prostate gland. And so, when you’re making love that can be helpful. Also vibration for a man right there, it can be a good thing. And then the backside. Sort of at the underside of the helmet of the tip of his penis, it’s called the frenulum. And it’s kind of a little bit of skin that is, where essentially the foreskin was attached if he’s circumcised. Or if he is not circumcised, where it is attached. That little area right there is highly, highly, highly, highly sensitive. So, you know, you can pay attention to that maybe after he’s aroused a little bit too. It might not be the first place to go or to pay close attention in the beginning. But later on, that’s an erogenous zone on his penis itself.

Tony Delmedico: Wonderful. Thank you for that, Laurie. I was also thinking with respect to the man’s body, I know we think about nipples often in terms of the female body, right? But a man’s nipples are, from what I understand, have as many nerve endings as the female nipples as well. And can be very erogenous for a man. And I think it’s a place that’s often overlooked.

Laurie Watson: For some men. And some men have absolutely no feeling. As for the record, some women have very little feeling in their nipples. Which is crazy because we don’t think that, but it is true. And while we’re at really specific parts. I know we’ll go back to sort of other ways to arouse partners. But do you know what the A spot is?

Tony Delmedico: A spot, for men or for women?

Laurie Watson: This isn’t fair on air.

Tony Delmedico: I’m getting scared. I’ve heard of the G spot, Laurie. But I have not heard of the A spot.

Laurie Watson: That’s right. Deep inside the female vagina, like just before the cervix. So, that’s where the cervix is the opening of the uterus, where that connects with the vagina deep inside on the roof of her vagina if she’s on her back. There’s the G spot first and then the A spot. And it’s actually a stretch pressure point that can feel really good with intercourse. It’s possible but not likely to be able to be reached with fingers. Maybe more with, you know, a sex toy or something. But that spot can be really highly sensitive for her. And its often, sometimes people don’t even know about it.

Tony Delmedico: Wow. The A spot, well, we’ve learned something new today on ForeplayRST, for sure. I guess, inquiring minds want to know, has the A spot always been around. We know about the clitoris and the labia.

Laurie Watson: Well, I’m glad you know about the clitoris because it cannot be said enough. But that really is the spot for women in terms of her most nerve endings is right there. But the A spot hasn’t been named until late, this century. But it’s always been there

Tony Delmedico: It’s evolutionary.

Laurie Watson: And the G spot. I just read an article, somebody saying, you know, that the G spot was, you know, all made up. And it’s not. It’s really there.

Tony Delmedico: In fact.

Laurie Watson: It’s kind of the underside of the clitoral structure too. So, maybe that’s what they were trying to say is make a scientific point. But big, big points on the body.

Tony Delmedico: Wonderful points and wonderful information, Laurie. Thinking about other erogenous zones. And I did not know this either, but the belly button is an erogenous zone. According to WebMD, the belly button for a woman is made of the same tissue as the clitoris.

Laurie Watson: Really? I did not know that.

Tony Delmedico: I did not know that either until I did my homework. And touching that or licking it can be stimulating. Maybe too much for a woman because some women don’t like their belly buttons played with. But that’s a bit of information. And a bit of a spot to hang out if your partner likes it.

Laurie Watson: The belly button can have interesting nerves that connect internally inside her. So, that is like, it’s not necessarily the same for every woman, but it does have different nerve endings that kind of hit beyond the actual skin of the belly button. But they hit her deep inside too, which is interesting. Sort of almost connected generally.

Tony Delmedico: Yeah. Wow.

Laurie Watson: Yeah. Nerves are wonderful.

Tony Delmedico: Yeah. The small of a back on a woman, there’s a lot of nerve endings in her sacral spot that laid down into her vagina as well. So, I think a lot of massaging, karate chops, bringing some heat to a woman’s lower back and some pressure, oftentimes for women can feel very pleasurable.

Laurie Watson: Right. And it’s just kind of a sexy touch isn’t it? I mean, if you’re escorting your wife into a theater or something and putting your hand on the small her back. I mean, that’s just very intimate. You know, most men, they would touch on your shoulders maybe give you a hug. But only an intimate really touches the small of your back.

Tony Delmedico: Do you have some other spots, Laurie? Some other erogenous zones?

Laurie Watson: Are there hints?

Tony Delmedico: Not to put you on the pressure? I’m also thinking about feet.

Laurie Watson: Feet. So, many women talk about they love their feet rubs and so relaxing for them. There are so many nerve endings there right. Acupressure.

Tony Delmedico: There’s a whole science of medicine that’s growing.

Laurie Watson: I think there’s one spot on the foot that like can bring orgasm. I’m not really sure what that is. We should flip that up and figure it out.

Tony Delmedico: Bring in a trained professional. But I think for men and some of the reading I’ve done, for men the soles of a man’s feet versus the toes for a woman. So, they were saying if you go over to the third toe on a man and you dropped down, a third of the way on the sole of his feet and apply some pressure there that they call that the bubbling spring. And somehow that’s supposed to bring sexual energy up a man’s legs and into his genitals. And for a woman, it’s more the toes and rolling around or pinching the sides of her big toe oftentimes can have a profound effect on her as well.

Laurie Watson: You can tell me if this is true or not, but I hear men talk about that any touch that their wife or their long term partner gives them. You know, like they can be sitting on the couch and she leans over and puts her hand on his knee like he’s feels that is kind of tingly all over, like this electric kind of feeling. Do you think that a lot of men tell you, or do you feel that sometimes this electric touch, even long into the relationship?

Tony Delmedico: You know, I’m having flashbacks to earlier conversations about kisses. And this idea of ritual kissing versus pleasure kissing. And I think it just depends on the man and the situation. So, if we’re sitting there as mommy and daddy with the kids on Christmas morning, that touch may be interpreted for that man as just nice job, hun. We got through Christmas.

Laurie Watson: Great bikes.

Tony Delmedico: Yeah. We got through the holidays again. You did good. We’re doing good. Yeah, everything’s fine. And I think that’s very different than maybe having a dinner out and having a touch by your partner.

Laurie Watson: Right. I would say that women tell me that the first touches that a man, you know, the first time he laces his fingers in between yours or the first kiss. The first, you know, the first briefest of brushes almost if feels so electric. And they asked me, you know, I don’t ever feel that anymore. Does that mean I’m not attracted to my partner? Or something has shifted? Like they don’t feel that kind of tingly sensation hardly ever on a first touch. Not that they can’t aroused sexually. That’s not what I’m talking about. But I do have men tell me, like, boom, just electric, you know, any touch. And I was just thinking about your foot bubbling spring. I mean, I don’t know if it even takes that for some men.

Tony Delmedico: I think like you’re saying over time everything does shift. And we’ve talked in earlier episodes about how it shifts and changes over time. I’m thinking about the song, A Kiss to Build a Dream On. So, there is that electric first kiss. It can be the moment he kissed me. I knew. Or the moment I kissed her. I knew she was the one. And I don’t think you can ever go back and recreate that kiss as a couple. You can celebrate that kiss and you can talk about it as the thing that just knocked you head over heels. That’s not to say you’re not going to have a lifetime of amazing intimate kisses. But I think in our minds, we built it up. We have some nostalgia for it. That amazing first kiss.

Laurie Watson: But there’s nothing wrong if we don’t feel that every time.

Tony Delmedico: In fact, I don’t think you’re supposed too. And I think as a couple —

Laurie Watson: We look forward to the mountaintops, you know, the peaks of, not just of orgasm, but of those tingling moments, you know, when we’re electric for our spouse or for our partner.

Tony Delmedico: Right. And I think just allowing the sex to be whatever it is at night, if it’s amazing, it’s amazing. If it’s just something to lower your anxiety so you can both go to sleep, that’s wonderful too.

Laurie Watson: So, my tip of the day.

Tony Delmedico: Yeah, you’ve got a tip for the most erogenous zone?

Laurie Watson: His tip is the most sensitive part. You’ve got to remember that.

Tony Delmedico: The tip is the tip from Laurie Watson. I think for me, Laurie, we have not talked about the most erogenous zone on males or females. Completely overlooked. The sexiest spot is your mind. Don’t forget that.

Laurie Watson: Yeah, absolutely. You’re so right. Thank you.

Tony Delmedico: Well, thanks for joining us today on Foreplay Radio, Sex Therapy with psychotherapist, Tony Delmedico.

Laurie Watson: And sex therapist, Laurie Watson.

Tony Delmedico: We’ll see you next time for some more Foreplay.

Laurie Watson: Hey, help us stay on top here at Foreplay. We’d love it if you would subscribe and share it with your friends and please take one sec and rate and review us. Thanks so much.